Anyone parenting with an ex, please help me, am I doing the right thing?

[Justtsay]

Me and ex have a son age 3, almost 4.

Without giving you war and peace on the relationship, we met late thirties and both (I thought) were explicit about wanting a family and settling down. After a rather drunken long weekend I was pregnant. Ex was extremely contradictory in his response to this, one moment saying he was overjoyed, the next saying I had planned it myself. I hadn’t. I found these comments very hurtful as I had been honest about wanting a family soon but would never do that and in any case we were using condoms so he had full awareness of contraception as much as I did.

Anyway we ended up splitting up as I couldn’t take the nasty comments and up and down attitude. I moved out of his house and bought my own property. He barely saw ds after he was born but over time the bond grew. Then he took a job five hours away and only saw ds at weekends when he would drive up.

Here’s where it got messy. I initially was open to him staying over at the house when he came
up at weekends. Part of me wanted to give things another go and being honest part of me needed the help as I worked full time too and it meant I could get jobs done. We started a relationship again and talked about another child and how we would make arrangements to move in together before ds started school. Another year or two passed and he kept delaying trying for a second and there was no movement on living together.

I had agreed by now to move several hours away to where he had got a fixed contract in a brilliant job. I worked remotely so all ok on that front.

Despite me agreeing to compromise to this extent, he continued to delay. It got to the point where I said if we don’t ttc now then I will miss the boat getting older and he would say ‘but it’s not stable, the house isn’t sorted for you to move, this is classic you wanting things your way.’ And lots of nasty comments would follow.

Last November I turned 39 and I had had enough. I ended things and said no more staying at my home and being a family one day and disappearing the next. He earns a lot of money so has the means to check into hotels when it suits and so that’s what he’s been doing ever since. At first I let him into the house at weekends to say goodnight to ds and do his bath etc so he could read books but he’s started to be incredibly unkind to me saying i was the reason we weren’t a fsmily and I have to have things my way… when I asked him why he didn’t just sort DS’s bedroom and ttc as planned and get on with moving in, there’s a load of excuses and he’s says I’m demanding and unreasonable and ‘one day ds will know what im like’ and ‘he know what i did’ … I assume this is the original accusation that i magically became pregnant on purpose.

For this reason ive just been so hurt that ive said i will drop ds off to him at a local car park and pick ds up in future so he doesn’t need to come to the house. He’s telling me this is me alienating him from his son. I’ve said he can see our son whenever he likes and have him overnight but he says obviously he can’t do that as he works so far away and I’m trying to come between him and Ds.

Sorry this is so long. Im exhausted. I feel constantly either guilty, confused or hurt. Mostly I want ds to be ok. Am I doing the right thing? Im worried as ds gets older he will
start telling him horrible things about me which I have never ever done to him. I’ve always supported their relationship but my life feels on hold if he’s in and out of my house and I already feel he’s messed me around for so many years.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds horrific the way he has messed you about and playing mind games to make you feel you're the one in the wrong.

From what you've said, it sounds like you have done everything you can to try and make sure that your son has a relationship with his dad. You've every right to keep him out of your house and I don't think anyone would think that's unreasonable. He's perfectly capable of providing his son with a place to sleep and could spend more time with him if he chose to. You are not standing in his way but asserting a very reasonable boundary that you don't want him in your home.

He certainly sounds like the kind of petty unreasonable man who could say nasty things about you to your child. I think if your child starts showing signs that he's heard upsetting things from his dad, you'll have to deal with it as it comes up. I don't think there's anything wrong with explaining in an age appropriate way 'Daddy's wrong about that. I've always tried to make sure that you can spend as much time with Daddy as you can' etc. It's horrible that you may have to manage this but the alternative is to not contradict his dad at all and I don't think that would be a good thing for your son.

Surely he could (and should) try to move closer to where you and your son live? I get it, fixed contract and brilliant job but I know my exH would definitely turn that down to stay near our children.

In the meantime, you could do the car park thing (and people do) but it seemed like a nice arrangement for your son to have his dad there to put him to bed etc. but totally understand that you do not want your ex in your house all the time he's saying these horrible things. He is obviously resentful and his ego is bruised because you ended things.

You sound locked in a stalemate situation and a cycle of he said/she said. I would try to communicate to him (I'm sure you have already) that you both need to put your own feelings aside and prioritise your son. Or maybe take the opportunity of going out while ex is at your house with your son (I know people will say why should you but the reason is your son is your priority, obviously)?

Edited to add:
Ignore the stuff he threatens to say to your son about you. That will ultimately not go well for him if he does one day criticise you to your son when he is taller and stronger than his father!