Slightly dramatic title, let me explain.
Single mum to two year old DD. Live close to my parents who see her every day and are very involved in caring for her. DD also sees her dad multiple times a week but he's basically a glorified babysitter.
We are in the trenches of terrible 2s – she is strong willed and clever and throws tantrums frequently. Usually I can avoid them, re-direct etc but sometimes they aren't avoidable and that's life. My parents give into her tantrums too easily, imo. She screams and shouts and magically the thing she wanted appears. I, on the other hand, am happy to let her scream and shout whilst offering her an alternative. Again, this isn't always my approach but for example where she's screaming she wants chocolate, I am not going to just give her chocolate. Or if she's screaming she wants a certain thing that isn't as unhealthy, I will often say sit down and be calm and you can have X thing. I only do this when she is screaming about it, when she asks for things nicely she gets it (except for chocolate lol – that’s only special occasions).
My parents disagree entirely. They think any time a child cries it’s a failure, that tantrums should be solved as quickly as possible and appeasement is the way to go. And I am getting vivid flashbacks to my own childhood where yes, they were very permissive in many areas I as an adult wouldn't be. I am naturally quite calm, I didn't lose my sh*t a lot as a kid but my elder brother was a different story. Very challenging, ADHD (before that was widely diagnosed) raft of issues, they appeased him his entire life. He's now in his early 40s and is estranged from them because, at 41, they told him they had to cut his allowance. Yes, my grown arse brother was still living off our parents. And no, I do not get an allowance (though I am very grateful for their time and help with DD).
I'm probably projecting but I see so much of my brother in DD. This is generally a good thing – she is bright, funny, opinionated, creative, sociable, confident. But she is also naturally boundary pushing, reckless and sensitive. Am I wrong for wanting to parent her differently to how my parents parented me and my brother? Am I being too harsh? I just feel strongly that I'm absolutely fine to put up with 5 minutes of screeching and when she calms down, we have a little chat about it and she learns that tantrums don't = result. My parents think letting her cry at all is borderline abusive.