To wonder whether people who ghost ever feel bad about it?

[OneKhakiSwan]

I don’t mean situations involving abuse, toxicity or a natural drift. I mean friendships where nothing obvious was wrong and one person just stops replying and disappears, leaving the other hurt and confused. Do people who ghost like that reflect on it later? Or does it just feel easier than having an uncomfortable conversation?

AIBU to find that kind of silence harder than an honest ending?

How can you tell someone who is perfectly nice and you’ve had some nice times together than you don’t want to carry on socialising with them because honestly, they’re boring. With one of my friends. I always lead the convo, laughed along, made suggestions to do things and she just coasted along with it & didn’t make me laugh or feel happy to see her, she didn’t interest me because she wasn’t interesting. I’d end up spending £60 on a meal out with her only to feel exhausted after from steering the ship all night, might as well have stayed at home. You can’t say that to someone though.. so ghosting is easier.

I ghosted a guy I was dating after he took me back to his house and the entire place - including the bed - was so disgusting that actually ghosting him was kinder than telling him the truth. And also easier for me, if I'm honest. Why should I put myself through an uncomfortable conversation to explain to an able-bodied, functioning adult that there's a bare minimum.

There's a lot of discourse generally about what the ghosted person is 'owed', but the flipside of that is the cost to the other person and whether that should be theirs to bear.

Not everyone who ghosts has a ‘darn good reason’. Unreasonableness, mental instability, and unkindness are distributed throughout the population. I have felt very guilty about the 2 people I distanced myself from without explanation. I didn’t know how to explain that I didn’t really like them very much,, but I do feel bad about it.

I ghosted a friend l loved because l realised l thought much more of her than she did of me and l was making a fool of myself.

People who are ghosted for no reason are very much like family members who are shocked at someone going no contact.

There is always a reason you just won’t admit it to yourself.

I’ve ghosted and cut off family members no regret. No remorse. They deserved it.

"Unreasonableness, mental instability, and unkindness" are as equally distributed among the ghosted too - I'm not setting myself on fire to keep someone who's being unreasonable warm! I'm generally a considerate person but it's not my (or anyone's) job to tiptoe around people who can't extend the same level of consideration in return.

I'm pointing out to the many posters who say that people always have a good reason to ghost... that's sometimes, but not always, true. Sometimes the reason is the ghoster's own 'unreasonableness, mental instability, or unkindness'. Sometimes it is the ghostee who is unreasonable, unstable, or unkind.

Of course this is not particularly insightful, but posters tend to be heavily influenced by personal experience, and think only one of these sets of people is at fault.

If the pattern of ghosting or being ghosted recurs many times, there is a clue in that, though it will be painful to examine.

Sometimes the reason is the ghoster's own problems, and has nothing to do with the ghostee. I know someone who has dumped all the members of her family, at least 6 sets of friends, 4 careers, two countries, 3 belief systems, and several people who have given her practical assistance at difficult moments of her life.

People don't generally ghost without good reason. Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking "yup, it's a great way to ghost Mary...or should I ghost Susan, which should it be?" It's usually a last resort and a whole host of reasons or past behaviours involved on both sides. I have reflected on it many times when I have done it and reflection has confirmed it was the right thing to do. I'm not sure why you think an honest conversation has the capacity to solve every issue. People like to think that ghosting is cruel and it shouldn't be done but if you really think about it, the signs that things are not working are usually there and people are usually deluding themselves that they don't know the reason.

I had a really good friend who I had known since school who did this to me and still to this day I have no idea what I did or said wrong to make her stop talking to me. We had some great memories together and now when I think about them I feel sad. I did reach out to her a couple of times when I could see on social media that she was going through a hard time and was met with radio silence. I like to think I’m a good friend and was always the one inviting her to things or texting first.

‘Where nothing obvious was wrong’ - I expect you would ge different opinions on whether this was the case from each side. I ghosted a friend many years ago for several reasons, I expect she thought nothing was wrong but in some ways that was the issue, the friendship was all about her and there was no room for my needs. I existed to her to make her feel better about herself when there was no one else cooler available. She used to say she liked me because I let it slide when she was being a bitch, after a while I realised I was just her punching bag and the only one that would put up with it. Anyway to answer your question, no I don’t feel bad about it. I feel sad because there were lots of good times too. But it was the right decision for me.

Ah yes, the "they're their own worst enemy" people. Whenever something goes wrong, it's always the other person's fault. Or life's, or the universe at large. It's never their fault, and they probably will never pause to reflect that they are the common denominator in the shitstorm that is their life.

I've been ghosted by a friend. I think she just tends to be friends to people in her immediate sphere, as she moved away and ignored me, then came back and was as pally as if she'd never gone. Then she moved away again, and... silence. I expect it'll be permanent now. I don't think I did anything offensive, I think she just moves on and leaves friends behind, makes new ones in the new place.

This. ^

And I don't buy into this 'the ghoster is quite often the problem - and the one with all the issues' trope, and think anyone who keeps saying this has clearly been ghosted a number of times, and cannot fathom for the life of them, why. Ya know - can't imagine what they have done 'wrong.'

As you (and I and several others have said,) no-one ghosts someone for no reason, it is often the last and final straw, and an 'honest conversation'with them is not going to fix the problem(s!) And as I said earlier, the woman I ghosted was OK when I met her, but didn't take long to show her true, catty, toxic, spiteful, jealous, bitter colours. The way she behaved when I ghosted her, proved I had made the right choice to ghost her. She turned 4 people (mutual friends) against me who I classed as friends, by painting herself as the victim, and me as the bad guy. I said nothing to anyone about her. I just quietly ghosted her.

3 women started snubbing me and pretending they hadn't seen me, and gave me a wide berth within around 4-6 months of me ghosting this woman (I'll call her Val.) The 4th woman (Liz) who was also a mutual friend kept seeing me/talking to me, but kept asking about this ghosted friend, and constantly poking and prodding, wanting to know what was going on, and 'how come you haven't seen or spoke to Val for a while? She says you've not been in touch.'

I kept steering the subject away and saying 'we just have nothing in common that's all. Got on OK with her when we first met, but nothing lasts forever. Anyway Liz, I've come to see you not talk about Val.'

Then 'Liz' would have a face like... >>> 😐Then I would talk for a few minutes about something else, then she would say 'I was going to ask Val around for a coffee tomorrow, I haven't seen her for a few weeks. It will be nice to see her.' I thought 'what the fuck? why are you telling me this?'

So even though I went to see Liz, and tried to steer the topic off Val, Liz kept steering it back. Val had clearly been banging on about me. If I had told Liz how I felt, and that I disliked Val and didn't want her in my life, she would have tried to 'fix' things. I wanted nothing FIXED. I didn't want anything to do with Val.

One of the other 3 women (before she started giving me a wide berth/pretending she hadn't seen me) marched up to me in the street this one time and said 'Hello BatchCookBabe, how's Val?!' (She knew I hadn't seen Val for about 4-5 months, and I knew Val had been bitching about me to her too.) I was like I said 'I dunno. You live closer to her than I do. Why don't you pop in and ask her.' She was like She never spoke to me again.

Not long afterwards, Liz started to ignore me too. I did as I often did, I phoned Liz and left an answerphone message saying 'Hi Liz, it would be nice to catch up and have a coffee together.. Give me a ring and we will arrange something for next week.' Dozens of times I had done this over the 5 or 6 years we had been friends, and she had always called me back. Sometimes she would be the one to call me.

But she didn't call back this one time. I rang a few days later too and left another message. Nothing. I dropped an Easter card through her letterbox (a week later) with a message in it 'please give me a ring Liz. Would be lovely to have a coffee or pub lunch together...' on the offchance she had not got my phone messages. Nothing. She had cut me off too. I suspected she may have said 'let's see how she likes it shall we Val?' I don't know....

I mean I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit hurt by it, because it wasn't them I had ghosted, I had known them and been friends with them about 2-3 years longer than Val had, and I felt angry that Val had turned them against me. But it did prove that they can't have been really good friends to start with. And I have plenty of other friends and acquaintances who are friendly and kind and who I get on with, including about half a dozen of the neighbours in my street.

This was all over 2022 to 2023, (that I 'ghosted' Val, and the 4 women cut me off over 4-6 months or to....) and 2 of these 4 mutual friends have left the area now. They both left 4 months apart in late 2024. (One of them was Liz.) I don't ever see the other 2. I rarely see Val only occasionally in the local town, and several times she has attempted to get my attention. I have ignored her, and walked off quickly. She can fuck off.

No, I am not sorry I ghosted her. It cost me the friendships of 4 women, but as I said, they can't have been very good friends to start with if they cut me off based on what Val said. And I had to cut off Val/ghost her for the sake of my mental health and well-being.

.

I'm wondering something

I've had a lot of friends disappear, but they sort of vanished into the busyness of marriage and children, I don't know what they would say, possibly they'd say they lost touch with me.

Are people counting that as ghosting?

I stepped away from being the one that always got in contact, always remembered birthdays and anniversaries, always visited when nearby etc after noticing that I seemed to be the only one that made the effort.

It was a shame that all but 2 of my friends didn't notice. It was useful feedback that we weren't as close friends as I had thought.

All I can say to that @EmeraldRoulette is that you definitely know when you've been ghosted!

You have no idea what’s going on in the other person’s life. Sometimes people just can’t sustain contact.

Just because someone enters your life doesn’t mean they’re obliged to be there forever.

It is a bit hurtful isn't it, when you are always the one to make the contact, and then you stop and think 'sod this shit, I will wait for them to contact me!'

And they don't.

There's usually something wrong though. I ghosted someone who I couldn't explain the numerous issues to - she would never have acknowledged her unreasonable behaviour, nor would she have seen things the way I did. My best option was to ghost - I don't owe an explanation to someone too selfish to see their own faults.

Do you though?

I had one friend who disappeared, always claiming busyness before, and I just gave up on her. About eight months later, I got a birthday message. I appreciate eight months doesn't seem like a huge amount of time to many on here. But she hadn't replied to messages for about a year prior to the eight month gap. (I didn't send many, maybe two just to check she was okay). She had previously got annoyed with me because I had been concerned when she has gone "off the radar" as she calls it. So after being periodically off the radar for months at a time, for years.... she was then off radar for nearly a full year, I think, can't recall exactly- then I got a birthday message.

I never replied to it because I just couldn't be bothered. I was out at the time I got the message, forgot about it when I got home was a bit tiddly to be fair. Then woke up the next day and just thought "why bother replying?"

So I wonder if she thinks I ghosted her!

she does know I'm a great believer that friends keep in touch. Nobody is that busy! I'm not asking for a message every week

Though I'm old enough to remember a telephone conversation every week would've been pretty normal... but so is she.

in my experience- the person being ghosted should know why they’ve been ghosted, and if they don’t, that lack of self awareness is probably why the ghoster couldn’t be bothered with the argument.

I’ve ghosted someone, I could have sat her down and told her why, what aspects of her character and many small bad behaviours had made me realise she wasn’t someone I wanted to spend my free time with, but what would that have achieved? She wasn’t someone who could take criticism, she wouldn’t change. She’d have just had an argument with me and the result would be the same, we wouldn’t talk anymore.

If she was someone I loved or someone in my family I was stuck with, then it might have been worth it for me to try to change her, but a just a friend- nope - it’s not my fight, not my job.

I have been on both ends.

It sucks being ghosted. I always tend to assume I must have done something, but not knowing exactly what and not getting the closure can play on my mind. But people have their reasons and all you can do is do a bit of self reflection and move on. Life is a long road and sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last forever so it is what it is.

I suppose in some ways it’s preferable to having some huge drama that results in a friendship ending in tears. It’s easy for people to say they’d rather people be honest with them, but let’s face it when it comes down to it, a lot of people including myself aren’t always great at taking criticism and dealing with things in a civil way and I understand why people don’t want to do that.

I’ve also ghosted a handful of times over the years, mostly men when I was younger to be honest. It has never felt good but it was what I needed to do at the time.

I should add, the example I've given - she's complained to me about being ghosted by several friends.

I've had people lose touch (and then ignore me when I've tried to get in contact, though I suspect they would say they were really busy and missed my message or call). Those are the ones who I say just disappeared or drifted away.

I have broken off friendships but I've had the awkward conversation. It's only happened twice. I've not ghosted them.

I suppose the fact that so many posters are replying shows it is something that plays on people's minds whether thats the person who ghosted or the person who was ghosted.

Well not really.... People are responding and posting about their experiences of ghosting people, in answer to a thread posted where someone is asking about peoples experiences. The fact I ghosted toxic, catty, jealous Val doens't 'play on my mind.'

I am merely speaking about it because that's what the thread is about.