Struggling to know if kids are in the future

[Whatamidoing44]

Looking for some guidance and perspective here.
I'm currently in my mid-30s in my first long term committed relationship with my partner, we bought our first house together last year. Recently we have discussed the possibility of marriage and kids. He is nervous about the idea of children, how they might change things and whether this is a change he/we really want. I have always expected that I would some day have a family, I used to dream of growing up and having a wedding, family and career. However relationships and finding a person to share life with did not come easy and took a lot longer than expected. I am now sure I have found the right person, I’m just no longer sure about the idea of wedding and babies.
On one hand, having kids seems like a natural next step. I find myself unconsciously planning books I’d read and activities I’d do with hypothetical children. I feel more confident now in my 30s and know myself well. I like the idea of nurturing a new human through early life to adulthood.
On the other hand, I have a career that is well established and progressing. I like travelling and time to myself to read, watch tv and enjoy peace. Both my professional and personal time will doubtless be significantly impacted. I worry that if my partner isn’t fully engaged with having kids he will resent it if we do and our relationship would suffer.
Unfortunately at this age I realise time is limited to decide. Friends who have and do not have children powerfully advocate for their choice and it’s hard to know what’s right for us. I lost my Mum 2 years ago and wish more than anything I could discuss with her, instead I come to ask the wise women of Mumsnet if they have any perspective to share.

Well, you sound like you do want children. He is “nervous” but that doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want them - he may just not have thought about it as much as you have.

The main thing I would say though is how have you bought a house with someone last year but only recently discussed the possibility of marriage and children? I can’t imagine getting the stage of buying a house with someone without having discussed those kinds of things.

If he doesn’t want to have any kids and you decide that’s a dealbreaker for you (totally sensible) then it will be a much more difficult process to move on and find someone else to have kids with when you co-own a house with a partner who doesn’t share your long term goals.

I also like reading, freedom, time to myself, and some more adventurous sports which are incompatible with young kids. However I really wanted children, so I was prepared to give these things up for a few years (it's not forever!) to have children. And they are an absolute joy. I didn't ever like other people's children much, but I always knew I wanted my own.

I don't know if that helps! But basically, sacrifices are necessary yes, and your partner needs to be on board with that too.

It often helps me to make a pros and cons list to get things clear in my head. If you do this, think about every life stage and what your lives might be like with/without kids at each stage.

Also think objectively about what you can offer your potential kids. Are you emotionally mature and able to debate/argue with your partner respectfully, for example. Will you provide a stable home.

Had you never discussed this together before now? Before buying a house, deciding what size house etc? I’d say that’s pretty unusual. What happens if you decide you want kids now but he decides he doesn’t? Did you ever discuss what life would look like together as you got older?

I can’t tell if you are leaning more towards having kids or not to be honest. Yes they are likely to impact your career for a while, but if you want kids is say it’s worth it. You get your freedom back more as they get older, and honestly teaching your own little person about the world is so rewarding.

Speaking personally, being a mum has been the most amazing and toughest thing I’ve ever done. It is relentless but also rewarding. The highs are high and the lows are low. DD is potentially ASD/ADHD so that may be clouding things. I love being a mum and I do not regret my decision, however, the world has turned insane in the last few years so I don’t think I would’ve had a child if I’d have known that was going to happen.

Sorry I should have been a bit clearer. We did discuss wedding and kids before buying the house. It’s a 3 bed so we are prepared. I think recently the conversation has sharpened from some vague time in the future to when would we decide to start or if we want to go ahead.
Thank you for the comments so far, it’s definitely giving me food for thought and I definitely hadn’t considered the idea of pros and cons at different life stages so that’s a great idea.

I am really happy having DC but I knew I really wanted them and felt ready in terms of what I had already done in life. Also I think you can involve your DC in the things you like (perhaps not being quiet though) and in travelling and I have had some great experiences with mine - possibly even easier with just one DC (in some ways though mine get on so well and amuse each other). I think my DP regrets it though - he loves them but I think if he could go back he most likely would not make the same choice to have DC whereas if I could go back I would probably choose to have a third. I think it has a huge impact on your relationship - we have no family help so don't get much time to ourselves and it also exposes and amplifies any issues like DP is super disorganised which was slightly irritating pre DC but now it's massively infuriating because I end up with the mental load for everything

Look it is a huge life change, but you are thinking about what you would lose but there is so much you will gain. I can't tell you what these will be as they are different for each of us. We always continued to travel with dc, had fabulous adventures. We continued to eat out, go camping etc it was different but not bad different. Your career is worth thinking about but if you both share then working is do able.

I think unless you really want them, don’t do it.

Me and my partner are mid 30s, been together 19 years and never planned on having kids, I always loved my freedom and couldnt imagine losing that but then we accidently got pregnant in 2021. If we hadn't had an accident I don't think I'd have actively tried to get pregnant but I'm glad it happened, I absolutely love being a mum it's sort of given me a purpose now I have this little boy to raise and love

Its hard to tell others whether to go for it because theres 2 very different sides to parenting - on one hand its the hardest thing I've ever done! Mid 30s running around after a 4 year old with suspected adhd is wild 😅 I have no time to myself, can't even pee alone, no lay ins anymore, youbhave to share all your food, no peace all you hear is "mum, mum, mummy" all day, the tantrums over tiny things are insane, he wrecks everything and I just feel like a slave feeding him, playing with him and tidying after him its so exhausting 🙃 oh and they're expensive!
But...then on the other hand they are so cute! Having this tiny human that needs you for comfort and love is a special feeling! He gives the best cuddles, tells me I'm his best friend and he loves me, we have the best snuggles in bed and you just get this immense sense of pride every time they do/achieve something and I genuinely feel sorry for people who don't get to experience that feeling! I also love that all occasions like birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Halloween etc become so much more special!

Do you genuinely WANT children, or just assume "it's what couples do" and want to go along with social expectations, fit in and feel approval from others?

A lot of women don't really think about it, they just follow the typical life script and assume everything will work out. Sometimes it doesn't...

How would you deal with a severely disabled child?
If your partner left, would you want to be a single mother?
Are there any genetic issues in either family that might be passed on (such as autism)? Have you ever thought about it?

I could never have imagined a life without children, I always knew I wanted to be a mother. But I absolutely respect the decision of people who don't want them. It's a massive investment of your time and energy and yes it can impact your career and your freedom to do what you want when you want. Only you can make the decision ultimately and you're right that you don't have a huge amount of time to play with.

My children are all adults now and my greatest joy and my favourite people to spend time with ☺️ I love my husband very much but I'll be honest, nothing comes close to the fierce, all-encompassing love for your children.

You sound like you want chidlren. A career will end and I doubt you’ll be sitting around in retirement happy to have chosen that over having your own family. Your fella hasn’t said no, he is raising legitimate concerns and truths. Your life you have now will change and it won’t always feel for the better. But it is. I love my kids and wouldn’t swap it. I think that’s the biggest factor. The people advocating for their choice of not having children only have one perspective whilst a person with kids have both. They have pre kids and post kids knowledge. You need to have a frank discussion, because even if he says he doesn’t want them you have a big decision to make and quickly.

i don’t want to worry you but the time is sooner rather than later. I have friends who waited and are now in their 40’s without 2 failed ivf treatments. The drs have put it down to her being to old

It sounds like you want children. Think about it and don't give up on what you want for a partner. He can get a new woman who is 28 and have kids at any moment, you can't change your mind after a certain age.

Children are amazing, fun, gives you a lot of joy, life changing, boring alot of the time, groundhog day too, exhausted, they teach you so much about you and tbh they change you more than you guide them. It's about learning about them more than nurturing them. However sounds like your boyfriend isn't totally on that page. You need to think if that's what you want. Good luck in whatever way you decide.

You need to decide whether you want children. Having a child is not some project with pros and cons (there are a lot of cons). You have to sit down and be very honest with yourself.

If you do want children, then that's non-negotiable really. You have to be very clear and honest with your partner and be prepared to walk away to find someone to have children with.

Personally, I would not have given up my wish to have a child over a man. And if he's dragging his feet or just doesn't want them, you will resent him big time and the relationship is doomed anyway. You can't give up something as important as having a family for a man and think you will stay together. It's too fundamental.

Also, the early years can be BRUTAL. It certainly has been for me. But it's not forever, they grow faster than you think.

I was like you pre kids!
I still love to travel and take my son with me. It’s not reading but it’s refreshing and fun.
I love reading story books to him! My own books are now just audio books while driving but that’s not forever. Once he can read we’ll go on coffee dates to read our own books.
I don’t have a partner but have very helpful parents. Would yours help eg take turns doing early mornings?

You might want to try counselling about this decision- your local ifv clinic should be able to recommend a good ‘decision making counseellor’

I’d discuss stopping contraception with your partner and then let fate decide. You could just have one, it’s a massive life change, especially the newborn phase but unless you have multiples you can still do things you used to do.

Having children does change your life. No, you can't do what you want/when, if you have children and that has to be accepted. Of course your relationship changes, it won't be just you and your husband any longer. Your husband will no longer be the centre of your attention, and your child will come before him, especially when very young. You'll both be tired, leisurely lay-ins will be a thing of the past!!

However, as children get older, they become more independent. You don't have to give up your career, you could go back after your maternity leave or stay at home (if finances allow) until your child is say 3, and starts nursery, you then go back to work.

What I will say, is that you and your husband need to be on the same page. Bringing a child into the world, where one person is only going through the motions because of the other person, will end in disaster. You both need to be completely honest with each other. Being nervous about being a parent is normal - I was terrified, once I became pregnant!

I spent most of my adult life not being particularly bothered if I had children or not. I met my husband, we married and had the attitude of 'if children happen, they happen, if the don't, then they don't'. We were relaxed about it. I've never had a raging biological clock. We did decide to have a baby...our son is now 15. I adore being his Mum, and wouldn't change our decision, if I got to choose again. However, if we had decided to not have a child, I'm confident we'd have equally been fine without.

Honestly, having a child has a very profound impact on your life for the first five years, a profound impact on your free time (but you have adjusted by then) for the next five, and you can start getting back to any additional bits you miss of how you were (but with a third person in the house) once they finish primary.

So you aren't trashing your entire future ability to do anything or be yourselves, but it is a significant, lifestyle-changing buy-in for the next decade+ And expensive.