Teenage son bad at school, not at home. Aibu to be struggling how to cope with him?

[Hurryupsummer84]

My son is nearly 15 and is very very bad at school. But at home we never have any issues. This makes it harder in some ways . He is like two different people.
School are very supportive and understanding but he takes the mickey. If he was taught one to one he would be fine but he struggles in a classroom. He has now ended up in bottom sets for everything so there are other children around him who also struggle and they feed off each other's bad behaviour and work each other up.
As times going on hes getting worse. He just wants to lark around and not do any work.hes late for all his lessons as he messes around with mates in the corridor. He gets given detentions every day and is sent to isolation. At the rate hes going he wont pass his gcses. He has things he wants to do after leaving school but no chance of doing it as wont get the grades.
When I was at school I was sensible, followed the rules, I was head girl, and I despised people like my son.
When he is at home he is so lovely , he is nice to be around. Isn't a trouble maker outside of school. He has nice friends and they are sensible when they are together. Do the usual stuff biking, football, cinema, gym etc. He has curfews and always sticks to them. Follows all of our rules. Is respectful.

I can't understand why he is so different at school. Every morning I ask him to behave, he promises he will. Then the app updates through the day with all the bad things he has done. It has really started to affect my mental health and my husband and I argue about him alot. Weve been into the school for meetings, are fully supportive of school. We have consequences for him. Everyday he gets worse.
Im really struggling now as our home life with him is lovely, but it is massively effected by his school day as we then have to punish him etc. I dont know what to do. Any advice from people who have been through similar?
I am honestly ashamed of him and think his behaviour is disgusting.

We will take phone away and console as a consequence. He isnt bothered. He does have his phone if all is ok.
He doesnt go to a regular high school. They do all work in school and there is no homework. But they do longer days.

I would tell him when he gets kicked out of school, he will be expected to get a full time job which will probably be very boring and low paid. And his life will feel pretty crap as you will not be providing anything except 3 meals a day and a bed to sleep in. Alternatively, he can knuckle down, get some gcses and open up opportunities for himself. What does he want to do? Can you research further education opportunities together so he can see the entry requirements? I would honestly be clamping down on him at home & removing all tech including tv every day that he misbehaves in school. I'd provide books for him to read and that's it.

Weve told him multiple times we will not financially support him if he doesnt make any effort.

He just tells me every day he hates school and doesnt want to be there. And that he doesnt care.
We dont understand why he wants people thinking bad of him and having to come home to then be in trouble with us on a daily basis. When he has a good day we praise him to the hilt, and so do the teachers

I don't know why you think employers who have 'boring, low paid' vacancies would wish to offer them to school drop outs with empty CVs. There's plenty of perfectly capable adults with years of experience who'd be happy to do a 'boring low paid' job if they need to feed their children. So I doubt he'd get a look in.

What does he like doing and put effort into?

Ive seen many kids who really struggle in secondary school. Has school suggested anything at all?
As foster carers we've had children who can fully cope in 1:1, small group work but totally unable to cope within a class situation especially when other things are happening, others kicking off.
One of ours would behave in a way so he was purposely sent out of class, especially when others were kicking off/loud/aggressive, he just couldn't cope with it. School recognised this although initially saud it was choice and behaviour and I got so fed up when bloody class charts would 'ping'. On a positive he went to college and finds it much better than School.
One was assessed by the Occupational therapist and was found to have several issues that made learning in class very difficult. School then had to bring in some basic outines/support to help within classroom situations.

Hes hoping to learn some kind of trade at college so we really want him to pass maths and english as that will get him onto it.
He says he hates school but he actually likes going he loves the social side. He has never asked for a day off and goes willingly each day .
But he seems to have some sort of compulsion to act like a fool when there. The teachers all say its attention seeking and to impress the others. But we dont know why he feels the need to do that . He is loved and has always had attention and he has lots of friends. There is no reason for him to feel insecure.

oh god I really feel for you. mine are only at primary but the dread of the school app pinging with bad news is universal! it sounds absolutely exhausting.

tbh it sounds like he is just trying to survive the social hierarchy of the bottom sets. if he is lovely at home, follows curfews and is respectful, you have clearly done a brilliant job parenting him. the school environment just isn't working for him right now, and the peer pressure in those sets is brutal. they all feed off each other.

please try not to be ashamed. teenagers are wired so weirdly. have they ever checked him for mild adhd or anything? sometimes the kids who mask well at home and are sensible just completely lose focus with classroom distractions.

sending so much solidarity. you are not a bad mum at all, you're just navigating a really rubbish system.

What is it he hates about school? Is it or could it be that he isn’t academic or is struggling to keep up with the teaching in his lessons and playing the fool and behaving badly creates a diversion and draws attention away from that, so he can appear naughty rather than stupid to his peers, which he finds preferable?

Has he visited any colleges in preparation for post-GCSEs? They’ll be very clear about what they expect from students and that he’s jeopardising a college place if he fails to get basic GCSE grades.

You are describing my son.

For many reasons I took him out of school in Y8. It then transpired he was way out of his depth academically. Primary had over-stated his academic achievements, so he was actually working at a lower level in Y8 than primary claimed at the end of Y6. It was an unholy mess and I spent much of the 18 months I was homeschooling just filling in the gaps and strengthening the basics.

While he was still in school I was getting phone calls every day about his behaviour and he would frequently climb the fence at school and run off. But he would come home, curl up with his blanket and put fairly childish DVDs on.

It was like two different people. A teenage mutant ninja monster at school, but a much younger child at home.

Aged 20 he was diagnosed with ASD and put on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment (23 now and still waiting).

I understand why posters on here are suggesting tough measures, but frankly I could have implemented all the toughest measures in the world, but it wouldn't have changed the situation. He was out of his depth, not coping and very unhappy in school.

As I have said many times on here, he has no GCSE's but is employed, had been with his employer for over 2years, has his own responsibilities, had small promotions. His manager had a troubled youth and has no qualifications either, and that hasn't held his manager back.

Obviously it's better to have qualifications but it isn't the end of civilization if someone leaves school without any.

Just a thought, could the big praise for a good day actually be adding pressure?

For some people, praise can feel like 'right, now I have to keep that up'. Then a good day feels like a standard they have to meet. Saying 'I don’t care' can be a way of protecting themselves from that pressure.

Sometimes dialling down the reaction to both the good and bad days can take some of that pressure away.

Might be totally off, but just a thought. I was like this as a child (especially as a teenager) and praise actually felt like pressure and made me go the other way. I didn’t realise that at the time though, so I couldn’t articulate or explain why I reacted the way I did.

He is struggling massively with gcse pressure. Added to that him missing more learning by choosing to get sent out then he misses that lesson. When he does his mocks I think it will be a shock to him as hes got his head buried in the sand at the moment. He thinks he can pass without putting in any effort. And tries to reassure us that hes doing ok with the work but teachers telling us he isnt. He doesnt understand what hes doing half the time. Which is fine. We cant all be academic. But its how hes handling it is the problem.
I cant homeschool him as we both need to work and have other kids. Just counting down the next 18 months hoping he doesnt get expelled

Have you both looked ahead at the trade colleges? Looked at their website? Their open days? They will probably make him resit maths and English language if he doesn't get them at school.

He probably wants out of the classes now because he is so far behind it feels like an impossible task to catch up and the lower sets are usually where all the messing around takes place.

I am surprised he has had so many chances at school with detentions and isolation. At my son's school he would have been removed and sent to their in house alternative provision, away from mates, smaller classes, more work on behaviour. It is not seen as a punishment but a way to engage them in learning. Does your school have anything like this? With most cases they come back to the main school.

Have you and the school discussed alternative provision? A pupil referral unit or day release to alternative settings such as college? Many young people who struggle with the school environment can flourish in that sort of setting, where there are smaller classes and teachers who are specifically trained to manage and redirect pupils whose academic struggles manifest as poor behaviour and refusal to engage with study. An endless cycle of detentions and exclusion isn’t going to be doing him any good either educationally or for his self esteem.

Ex teacher

this sort of behaviour is often a response to him not understanding and not being able to keep up in class.

school can be very very boring if you really struggle to understand what the teacher is talking about, and the peer pressure in bottom sets is immense.

if he can behave at home then it’s not a general behaviour issue.

threats are unlikely to help if the issue is that he is way behind academically.

honestly once you hit this sort of situation either changing schools or looking for some kind of alternative provision is probably the way to go.

I’m a really strict parent and would normally be saying be firm, take every away etc but, honestly it sounds like the school (and I almost NEVER say that). It really does sound like there’s some sort of send going on and school are neither recognising it or meeting the need. Is it possible there’s some undiagnosed dyslexia? Or ADHD. A lot of people with adhd (or asd) will “act up” in environments that are too stimulating or demanding.

Id look at getting an educational psychologist report and potentially moving schools because this one isn’t working.

Have a look to see if there’s a University Technical College near you. They can work very well for kids who want to go on a more practical, apprenticeship route and start from
14

All behaviour is communication. What is he feeling that he’s unable to express verbally? He’s possibly anxious, possibly struggling academically, possibly struggling to concentrate?

im suprised a teacher would say ‘attention seeking’. My view is that there is no such thing. Attention -needing, yes. What attention does he need?

Weve been through cahms twice with him trying to get an adhd assessment , first because his primary school referred and second time the high school referred because they thought he had adhd as thats how he presents in school. Cahms say and spoke to him for about 3 hours each time , and we had questionnairs to fill in etc. Both times were rejected because he doesnt present that way outside of school. Its all been very frustrating.
Hes quite small amd wears glasses and has said alot of times hes scared of being bullied so I think he acts this way as a protective measure. Obviously he doesn't need to act like that at home . He has a different circle of friends outside of school that he feels comfortable with.
I dont think there is an alternative provision at his school unfortunately. There is an isolation room which he says is like being down in the basement. He spends alot of time there

My son had detention every day of seconday and the dubious honour of only receiving one merit in five years and that was because a friend stole his planner and had hers put in his instead. He was an absolute joy at home, at his clubs, his Saturday job anywhere other than school. He just found school tedious and so entertained himself instead.
I didn't punish him further, he did the detentions in good spirits because like your son's school detention was much like a social gathering and if he wanted to leave early he'd start debating with the Duty Manager who oversaw them and she would send him home so as to stop him leading a revolt.
There was never a chance he wouldn't pass his GCSEs but he was determined that he wouldn't cram for the benefit of his teachers reasoning he'd pusue his interests instead. Anyway he went on to sixth form, behaved better, attended less so found it more bearable regardless he was offered a place at Cambridge which he turned down as he was sick of education.
He went to work at 18 and they funded his degree and Masters later on, he left when he no longer had to repay the cost. He has a very successful business now, he has always loved to work it occupies his mind better. Incidentally one of his senior staff who son respects greatly left school at 16, he's 26 now and son expects to have to pay him £100k salary by the time he is 30 if he wants to keep him.
I'd say protect your relationship, talk to him, get him to focus on where he wants to be and what he needs to do to get to the next stage. You say he wants to learn a trade, can you call in favours and get him some work experience or a Saturday job so that he can experience what his future might look like to give him something to aim for?