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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive/narcissist mother

15 replies

Spanieljoker · 02/03/2026 09:52

I am wondering if my mother has been/is abusive with me. I know she’s suffering from depression but I don’t know if it is actual abuse I have been suffering from her and if my feelings of hopelessness and anger are justified against her. Here’s a list of a few things she has done :

  • constantly telling me I should lose weight, put me on diets, would look at me from head to toe with disgust and laughing if I was wearing tight revealing clothes. Telling me I’m ugly, that my hair look so bad I look like « Hagrid from Harry Potter » harassing me to cut them short etc
  • She hit me a lot. I have memories of me lying on the floor and her kicking my stomach with her feet, I was 12
  • screaming and shouting anytime I have a different opinion or challenging her
  • I went to uni and she supported me. But I didn’t manage to have a good career. Whenever I struggled and needed help emotionally she was not helping and actually horrible with me, made me shut down and avoiding talking to her about my problems. She’s making me feel she’s ashamed of me all the time because I don’t have an important job.
  • I got married and bought properties. None of them is to her tastes. « Not great and actually awful » « most people are settling better than you at your age » Criticising my husband, « I can tell he doesn’t have loads of money and you are struggling »
  • I’m not raising my daughters properly, and « I’m lucky I didn’t have sons, they would have ended up in jail »

am I unreasonable to think it’s unacceptable? I’m 35 and I’m only questioning this now. Always thought she was just doing her best and not actually abusive. I think now I have daughters it is tormenting me and I don’t know if I should stop seeing her for the sake of my mental health. I’ve been suffering from depression all my life.

thank you in advance for your feedback :(

OP posts:
Motnight · 02/03/2026 09:58

Yes your mother is abusive, Op. Have you considered counselling to help you come to terms with this?

Original poster
Spanieljoker · 02/03/2026 10:34

@Motnight thank you for your reply.. feels insane to me to admit she is abusive for some reason. I am considering counselling yes. I don’t want to hurt my daughters like she has. Also I know she physically abused me and I remember clearly violent episodes but I have also unclear and strange flashbacks and I don’t know what to do with them. I guess I have a lot to process

OP posts:
Endofyear · 02/03/2026 10:59

Her behaviour was/is definitely abusive. Have you had any therapy to deal with this? The first step is understanding and acknowledging your abusive childhood. Then you can move on to how you want to manage the relationship going forward, how much contact/if any and protecting yourself from further abuse.

Fearlesssloth · 02/03/2026 11:08

As other PPs have said she is and always was abusive and toxic. I just don’t understand the mindset of a mother who can treat their child like this. It goes against all the intrinsic biological norms (couldn’t think of a better way to put that!) of a mother when they have a child. She must have always been deeply unhappy and full of self-loathing (not that that’s an excuse of course). You need some professional help to process all this. I think you’d be a lot happier if you cut her out of your life to be honest. Maybe writing her a letter to tell her why you no longer wish to have her in your life would help

Original poster
Spanieljoker · 02/03/2026 11:08

@Endofyear No I never had any therapy. When I confront my mother she keeps telling me she had a violent childhood, much more difficult than mine and basically I need to shut up about it and stop complaining. It’s genuinely only now at 35 that I start to think maybe its not normal :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanieljoker · 02/03/2026 12:02

@Fearlesssloth her obsession is repeating over and over again that she had a traumatic childhood herself and therefore mine was good and I have nothing to complain about :( So yes I’m considering cutting her off. When I speak to her I feel awful and am so unhappy

OP posts:
Yourcousinrachel · 02/03/2026 13:27

Just because her childhood was egregiously traumatic doesnt mean that your childhood didnt do damage to you.... However your mum may never be able to understand what she did wrong or accept it......that can be a hard thing to accept....

It is normal to be confused about whether it is or isnt abuse (such as often felt by people experiencing domestic violence or coercive control experience).
It was normal for your household, you knew nothing different........

I think you should definitely see if you can get some counselling. Sometimes this might be available through your employer ( do they have an EAP helpline).

Also i think you will be able to use your own relationship with your daughters to be the best mum within your power. That doesnt mean material things at all, but having a close relationship, building up your daughters self esteem, encouraging independence and equipping them to be resilient and having good boundaries. You sound thoughtful and aware, op, as you've already said you dont want to hurt your daughters like she hurt you).
Try to limit contact with your mum if its helping you feel better. I too learned about my family and realised some things at 36!! When you look back, you think why did i not see a pattern earlier?

I wonder if you might also be helped by reading and understanding more about the dynamic. Theres a lot available, such as "mothers who cant love, a healing guide for daughters"

Or online articles
heysigmund.com/toxic-parent/

There are many of us, too many, but your daughters are not going to be saying that about you xx

thepariscrimefiles · 02/03/2026 13:34

She sounds like a monster. She was incredibly abusive to you, mentally and physically and she would probably have been prosecuted and you would have been removed from her care if your abuse had been reported to the police and social services at the time.

Please keep her away from your children. She isn't a safe person to be around them. Don't feel any obligation to support or care for her in her old age. I would probably go no-contact with her.

Motnight · 02/03/2026 13:36

Spanieljoker · 02/03/2026 12:02

@Fearlesssloth her obsession is repeating over and over again that she had a traumatic childhood herself and therefore mine was good and I have nothing to complain about :( So yes I’m considering cutting her off. When I speak to her I feel awful and am so unhappy

That is a good enough reason to go no contact, Op.

LittleGreenDragons · 02/03/2026 14:31

Spanieljoker · 02/03/2026 12:02

@Fearlesssloth her obsession is repeating over and over again that she had a traumatic childhood herself and therefore mine was good and I have nothing to complain about :( So yes I’m considering cutting her off. When I speak to her I feel awful and am so unhappy

Excuse the language here.

Your mother, as a child, ate sandwiches filled with 90% shit.
You, as a child, ate sandwiches filled with 30% shit.

Yes she had a shittier upbringing than you but that doesn't mean yours wasn't shitty either.

Look up DARVO as that will help explain her deflections a bit more, but I agree with others please seek counselling and think about going LC for a while.

Redrobinrose · 02/03/2026 17:08

She's 100percent abusive

Don't feel guilty cut ties, she's the cuas eof your depression, do not let her poison your children or turn them against you with her manipulation.

Basically run for your life good luck op

Amira83 · 02/03/2026 17:22

I do not speak or see my dad. my children have not met him because of this. He was abusive to my mum in front of me and my brother throughout our childhood years and mentally abusive to me and my brother. My brother left home and when I was 16 I left aswel. My mum does still speak to me although we don't have a proper relationship it's just surface level hello how are you, as she is still with my dad. The point of telling you this is, my mum has always told me I have to see him 'becos he's my dad' but I refused, so our relationship isn't close at all. In the years I haven't seen my dad my life has been happy . Its sad that he hasn't seen me for years and I have grown up without a dad, and he hasn't seen my children but we are better off. Think of yourself, think of your children. What you have said to me is abuse. Physical and mental abuse. Its important that you tell your mum the reason you do not want to see her. She needs to understand the blame is not with You.

Even though she is your mum you need to stand up for yourself, do not let her treat you badly. Confide in your husband so he can emotionally support you.

Original poster
Spanieljoker · 02/03/2026 20:09

@Amira83I have written a long text to her explaining that I do not wish to talk to her or see her again - and why. I know she has read it but she’s not replying. She probably never will I suppose. Time for me to start some kind a therapy now… Thank you for telling me your story. I don’t speak to my dad…. aswell. My parents are divorced and my dad didn’t really care for me when I was a child as he re married and his second wife didn’t want him to have a relationship with me.. Anyway. After cutting off my dad I have to do the same with my mum and it’s very painful. I will talk to my husband like you suggested, when I’m ready. He has no idea I’ve been through this journey these last weeks

OP posts:
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