Partner’s dream

[Kathleen995]

Okay bear with me as I know this sounds utterly ridiculous. However! I (36f) and my
partner (37m) have been together for 12 years. We have two young kids (1 and 3) and recently our relationship has definitely become more “platonic” as the kids and work have basically taken over our lives (who knew!?).

Anyway.

My partner turned to me this morning and said “I had a dream you dumped me last night.” I said “aw, were you gutted?” And he said “no, not really. Kind of thought it was a shame for the kids.”

I actually feel really gutted!! Am I blowing this totally out of proportion?

Over the weekend we heard his best friend and wife were getting divorced (they’d been having issues for a while) and his friend didn’t seem too bothered about it himself, so perhaps this is the reason but still? I’ve had dreams my partner was cheating on me and I was absolutely distraught in the dream!

Am I being crazy about this?

Sounds to me like he was testing your reaction.

Was that his reaction in the dream, or how he would react in real life?

Two very different things

That’s what he said his reaction was in the dream. But dreams are always so real to me and my reactions are the same as in real life. I just feel really sad! I guess background context too is that I feel our relationship is not really prioritised and he doesn’t ever really do special or thoughtful things for me or arrange date nights etc. In fairness I don’t do a lot of this either as we both work full time, have two very young kids and money is quite tight. However I try to say nice things to him and I never really hear him say anything nice to me. He finds it hard to verbalise his emotions but we’ve been together so long it’s become quite an obstacle, though he does acknowledge it’s a problem.

First of all, your partner sounds like he has the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon to think that you wouldn't be hurt by this description of the dream.

Secondly, yes, I think he is probably just being overly simplistic and detached about what a dream contained. Not everyone has emotional investments in what dreams feel like to them.

Time to get together on the same page.

Don't panic about your relationship taking a bit of a nosedive with such little kids. It's common, and it doesn't spell failure or inevitable break up. But do take your noticing it as a sign to invest in it now, even if it's difficult. Everything is difficult with little kids – money, eating right, exercise, sex, quality time, friendships. But you really just have to carve out your basic needs for the long term, even if they take somewhat of a backseat for a few years.

What else is going on in your life? I had a dream once that I won the lottery and I woke up and was so close to telling my husband at the time to pack his bags. I’ve won the lottery. Where are we going? I’m not going anywhere you are. Type of thing
He was having an affair and it was literally my brain’s way of unscrambling the events going on around me that I didn’t consciously know but subconsciously I definitely did.
The brain works in mysterious ways

What he said was horribly insensitive and I’m not surprised that it stung to hear it. But it sounds like your real fear is maybe that there’s some truth in it? That you’ve lost connection and are mainly just functioning as coparents right now? That’s definitely not unusual at this stage of life, but maybe this could be a good opportunity to open up a conversation about the relationship.

If you felt hurt you could let him now that and let him know that you do sometimes feel a bit unseen and unimportant to him. He may feel the same. If you both want to strengthen the relationship and stay together try to keep the focus on what would help each of you feel more connected and cared for in this busy time.

OK.

Is it possible he's been trying to find a way to broach the subject and this seemed like a low stakes indirect way of doing it?

You seem to have have had a very strong emotional response to a dream and describe similar responses to your own dreams and in real life. That's fine and everyone is different but this does suggest to me that your real life emotional responses might be equally strong and a lot of people find highly emotional responses difficult to handle. Which is also fine.

You're both in your 30s and describe your relationship as 'platonic', which I'm assuming means you no longer have sex? 30something is very young to have a sexless relationship and sexless relationships do generally come to an end not just because of the lack of sex but because of the emotional distance and lack of connection that usually accompanies it because that makes it a lot harder to get back into the sex when you're ready!

It's not unusual, as you acknowledge, with very young children but I do think it's important to connect as a couple (that doesn't mean jump straight back into having sex!) But maybe this would be time to have an open and honest conversation about how you both feel and how you can prioritise you as a couple and the relationship again.

You say he doesn't plan stuff and you don't either. I'd probably start by saying that what he said about his dream upset you because it made you reflect on the relationship. And you'd like to talk about it to improve things. Don't necessarily have the conversation there and then. Maybe introduce it at a time when you can't talk there and then to reduce a fear or expectation of walking straight into a heavy conversation and that gives you both time to organise your thoughts and approach it in a calm and considered way later.

You'll get loads of people calling him all sorts and they might not be completely wrong, but that isn't going to resolve the issue, either.