To go full on petty for divorce?

[Cantgetausername87]

Hi wise women of mumsnet. Posting on AIBU for traffic and unbiased opinions
I left DH over a year ago for DA.
I was struggling financially and begged him for a divorce (he enjoyed the power) he's now dropped on me he's ready for a no fault divorce but reluctant to complete the financial settlement.
Initially, I just wanted rid of him. But now I feel like going full on petty and trying to get as much out of the divorce as possible.

When I was feeling weak and vulnerable after the police involvement and trying to claw back my life I thought a "no fault" divorce would be fine. Given that I let him go and keep his "good guy" reputation (few people know what he did and his arrest etc)
I now feel that I want the divorce to be formalised around his behaviour. I imagine it'll cost more on fees, and we didn't own a house so there's no real assets to sort out.
But should I anyway? Just to make a point or is that a new level of pettiness?
My family and close friends think its time to stand up and make a point of it, and I'm thinking that's a fair idea but wanted opinions and experiences - does it really matter what grounds the divorce was made on?

All divorces are classed as no fault now. Hugely irritating when it is the behaviour of one party that has caused it, but unfortunately it makes no difference and won’t even be registered any longer.

I'd do whatever is cheapest and easiest for you. He's caused you enough misery. The cleaner and quicker you can get rid the better. I hope you have a wonderful future without him

I'd just go for quick and easy.
The best revenge is living well. Those that matter know what he's like/has done.
Move on with your head held high.

I would think about what’s more important to you - a bit more money (maybe) and more stress/cost to both of you or a clean break and proper distance from your abuser.

If it were me, in the absence of proper assets and money worth fighting for, I would just get him out of my life as soon as possible and focus on moving onward and upward

Yeah I have been thinking the same. And yes I've managed to really pull myself together and live happily (with a tonne of therapy and a good support network) I just worry he's won the euromillions and suddenly urgently requiring a quick and quiet divorce.
But yes, the best revenge is always going to be living happily. But I only get to divorce him once, so maybe make it a little painful for him?!

Getting a fair financial settlement isn’t petty. I would definitely prioritise that. If you think that telling him you intend to be honest about why you’re splitting up unless he’s prepared to sort the finances out quickly would help I’d do it but TBH it sounds to me as though it will just add to the animosity and draw things out.

All divorces are no fault.

you need to get a fair financial settlement which depending on whether you have children means the starting point should be 50/50 with pensions included and meeting both parties housing needs.

if one of you has less earning capacity, perhaps because of childcare then they could potentially get more.

More likely he’s lined up his next victim so being divorced has become a priority 🙄

Agree on the finances. But I wouldn't give him any reason as he sounds like the type to then try and argue or withhold. Don't give your motivation away. Just say you want to be secure financially and not rush through the details. If he's in a hurry he may be more likely to agree.

This. Then go and live an awesome life withour him.

Get a fair financial settlement, but also, make it cheap and easy for yourself. Then get revenge by moving swiftly on and living your best life in whatever way that is.

I've watched a friend at work turn nasty and bitter over a marriage breakdown to the point I don't consider him a friend anymore as he's turned into a selfish arsehole. I'm going through a divorce myself and trying to take the higher ground. It's also going through as a nonfault, but in reality, he lied and cheated, turns out he's gay and had been lying from day 1 of our relationship. We've 2 small children and I am beyond devastated at the deception.

But, I am coming out of this knowing I am a better person than he is and that someday our kids will find out the truth too. Currently still living together, coming up to 10 months of that and its fucking torture. But in less than 6 weeks I'll have my own place. It cannot come soon enough!!

I am not sure you get money for him being a git, but get your solicitor to go for the max you can

Yeah it all feels like a trick. Most likely he's got a new gf (I will never meet her, I'll always point her to clares law and he knows it) but a clean break sounds nice too. Its very much what I want now the trauma bond has gone. But it just seems a little too easy for him?

Maybe it's more a thread aimed towards how DV perpetrators just get to walk away easy peasy rather than the divorce itself.
Perhaps it's this crazy country where I was told if I ever lived with him again my children could get taken away from me, and yet a divorce process wasn't automatic and he was able to control that process too!

@IsThisLifeNow wishing you all the best that sounds truly bloody awful!
Theres something to be said about taking the higher ground and I can't even imagine having to live together through that x

@Cantgetausername87 thank you. I think I've been like a boiled frog, haven't realised how bad things are until now, we're civil on the surface, but I would happily not piss on him if he was on fire.

I'm sorry for what you are going through and maybe I'm just kidding myself on and will end up with a superiority complex, but I honestly feel like I'm so much of a better person than him right.

And you are right. Its insane that you are being warned off living with him, but he still gets to call the shots in the divorce!

Are they his DC?

Great advice and you are heroic. You are a better person, you’ll go onto have a wonderful life and he will always be the selfish shit he is at his core. If it makes you feel any better I don’t know you or him but I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire either.

The divorce is the easy bit. That's quick, straightforward and relatively cheap.

The financial separation is not only vital but exceptionally tricky. You can get divorced and make a claim for finances afterwards but the advice is to do them both concurrently.

'Fault' has never been recorded in divorce legal records (well, certainly in the last 20 years) so the only real benefit to 'getting in first' was it being on the original application as to who did what and from the applicant's perspective.

Do what is cheapest and easiest and leaves you holding the moral high ground. Be the person you want to be going forward. Be assertive, but don't waste energy and money (it will be both of your money getting wasted) on this man.

It is so hard to rise above and not be petty. But honestly in the long run you will be happier that way.
It eats you up inside the fighting and the bickering. You can just grey rock and do not engage. As long you have enough money oht of it to get what you need. So what if he has a lottery win ... it wont make him a nicer person.

I don’t think you can go petty, his abuse won’t be factored into the divorce at all. Starting point for finances is 50:50 that’s not petty, that’s what you’re entitled to. Not much else involved to be honest. Well done on getting away