Eugh horrible situation
Quick back story, terrible upbringing. My father was abusive to my mum mostly verbally but horrible environment. They seperated and he was then the same with his second wife.
Throughout my childhood he was aggressive and would shout and scream in my face as a child. I was scared of him.
Now I’m an adult the relationship is ok, surface level, I can’t bring myself to address what was probably abuse with him so shove it under carpet and we see each other once a month for dinner.
So today I was away on a trip, I have two children and their dad was away on a trip also. We were stuck for a period of 4 hours without a babysitter and children’s father suggested that we ask my dad to look after them. I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea but have never seen any bad interaction between them during the once a month dinners. Thought the grandfather/grand child relationship would be different. It’s 4 hours, what could go so wrong?
Eldest child suspected autism and can be a tricky child. He wanted to take the children out somewhere and she was playing a Lego set in her room and didn’t want to go, she asked if she could be left at home and he said no and was insisting that she left immediately. She calls me from her iPad and straight away I can tell she is upset and then I hear him shouting and screaming at her in the background, not just raised voice but real aggression in his voice. My daughter (as no child should) has never experienced that type of shouting/aggression at her, she has now told me that she sat behind her door to stop him coming in and he forced the door open squashing her behind it. The way he was shouting at her was so aggressive and was massively triggering for me, brought back so many horrible memories and feelings of being terrified as a child.
I completely lost my shit with him, told him to get the fuck out of my house and away from my children. Had to call a neighbour to sit with the children until I got home. My daughter was scared and in floods of tears (she never normally cries and is quite a proud and tough child)
now I feel so guilty for leaving them with him in the first place but I genuinely thought the relationship was different, they aren’t his children, it’s only 4 hours.
I sent him some messages when it was all happening, made him leave the house immediately. Now I’m left feeling so sad and almost guilty. He doesn’t really have anyone else in his life and although the relationship was always superficial to me and definitely underlying anger and resentment towards him on my part. I feel bad cutting him off completely for this. Without doubt despite his terrible behaviour I know that he does love me and I feel guilty for cutting him off.
My daughter is very strong willed and holds grudges. Even if he was to apologise she would never want to be in same room as him after this.
Not sure what I’m asking exactly but maybe just what would you do in this situation?
Goes without saying that he will NEVER be left alone with my children in future. I felt physically sick listening to the aggression in his voice as he was shouting at her.
I have blocked his number in rage for now but I have no doubt that he will reach out… not sure if to apologise exactly but will want to maintain a relationship.