Really struggling with ex h 10 years on after leaving - aibu

[Sustainbrain]

Hi all
I am just really down about trying to co parent with exh 10 years on. Left due to all the abuses and still in therapy. I have a stable home partner and stable business I run and support the family. DC are 11 and 15 and exs behaviour has always been abusive and erratic and I know it impacts on them. Recently things have got worse - no mattress for my dd since it broke before Xmas, screaming at my son on a daily basis (I have escalated safeguarding concerns) while my son is actually fairly responsible he has no idea where he is or who he is with (just at a sleepover nothing untoward but still) and today he has told my son to come off life360 as he doesn't want me tracking him, my ex h, which is just bizarre.

I have been throgh courts , cafcass and social care ( he hit my dd repeatedly occasions finally leaving a very visible mark before she came home to me and I escalated to police and social care about 4 years ago it was extremely traumatic) and they say 50 50 or there is emotional harm to the children. But I can see the strain on both of them. I am so so tired of trying to undo all the stress they go though at his (he has a younger dd full time from another partner that my DD does a great deal for when she is there, I can see my son is quiet snd withdrawn from the screaming and shouting). When does it end? Is there any hope they will both turn round and just say they want to live with me? Both children go to independent school and I pay both their fees be pays me no maintenance and never has not that makes any difference but for context if that helps anyone give me any advice.

I feel so utterly ground down by the difficulties with him every single week about every single thing - even though we have a court order saying he must drop their belongings to us , he refuses so we have to do the journey a 40 minute round trip to make sure they have what they need.
I keep saying to my partner by the time DD is 16 surely this will be over ds will be 21 they will be living full time at either mine or his by their own choice? Or should I fight to try to get them here with us for the majority at least of the week? I feel the courts default to 50 50 no matter what so it just isn't worth the stress and distress to the children as they will find it so upsetting . Any advice or experience hugely welcomed.

Ds is 15 and year 11 dd is 11 and year 6 if that makes my list a bit more understandable !

Your 15 year old is definitely old enough to decide where she wants to live. Your 11 year old would probably also have a voice in this. You will probably have to go to court though to get this done if he resists, but it's obviously worth it since he's abusing your children, especially DD by the sounds of it.

Your children need to start voting with their feet and saying what they want. It is utterly exhausting and it sounds like you have done everything you can but now your children are getting old enough to call the shots and they cannot be forced. I just hope they aren’t terrified of him.

Thank you so much for responding.

Yes they are terrified of him I think. He has no partner living with him no friends and 3 children. He is stressed and angry all the time. I think they try to make him happy but of course fail and I think that coercive control emotional abusive hold is the worst as I don't think they would ever vote with their feet for fear of his reaction .

Both your children are old enough to make their own decisions. Empower them to do so.

How do I do that without seeming to be turning them against him? Isn't that unreasonable behaviour? I am just so worn down I seem to be saying things like it's not right and you're not responsible and so on but how do I fully say if you don't want to go, dont?

How is he entitled to 50/50 if he pays no maintenance?
how is he entitled to any access if he is a violent angry abusive man ?!
the mind boggles
surely you should just have full custody ?!!
I’m not a lawyer -it just seems so unjust for you and your children !

@Abd80 of course you would think this it's absolutely logical! But the family courts and the CMS are not logical and this is my life and all the other women who have separated. It's horrendous

Bumping for any advice

I would say to my children
‘would you like to live here in the week and see daddy every other weekend instead?’ Or ask them what they reallly would like if they weren’t worried about offending.

if they agree tell then that they can think about it and then you’ll write to dad to tell him the new schedule.

write to dad tell him this is what kids have decided, you agree it’s in their best interest well-being wise, you’re happy to go to mediation to discuss. But from now on they’re with you through the week.

let him take you to court for enforcement. He won’t get far at their age if your kids tell csfcsss their views.,

be brave. They only get one childhood. Fight for their wellbeing. What’s the worst that can happen they can’t take kids off you at that age when they’re settled in a school near your home, worst case is you get a slap on the wrist.

I’m in a fathers rights group and mums do what I have just advised all the time and the dads are often advised not to fight it at teenage age as the vote with their feet.

Sorry just to add onto my advice, make it clear it’s for safety and welfare concerns that you’re making this change.

If you break the court order you won’t be arrested if it’s for safety and welfare reasons especially.

Pps if you can get your children to tell school adults what their dad does or write it down for you and you show to them, this will helP create a paper trail if needed. But you shouldn’t their age

Literally just say if you want to stay here with me that son I won’t force you to go I’ll let dad know for you.
even if you WERE turning them against dad, so what? It won’t mean they’ll send them to his more than you?

My DD is 14, she’s old enough to decide. Her dad is difficult/ volatile but she wants a relationship with him. I have been working with her to have it on her terms, to establish boundaries etc.

My 11 year old (yr7) is also imo old enough but courts might not agree…

My daughter had issues with her father that were not nearly as bad and ultimately the courts backed her choice. They took her views very seriously at sub 10. If your children, either of them, don’t want to go to his house, they cannot be forced.

…. But yes, I understand your frustration. In English law there’s a very high burden on proving someone is a genuinely terrible parent and totally inconsistent before a child is removed from them. And fundamentally I think this is a good thing in some ways but when you’re on the receiving end of it and dealing with a very difficult ex , who you can see is creating problems for your children, It’s very difficult to stomach.
Your 15-year-old is old enough that he can make up his own mind. You’re 11-year-old is pretty much there too.

This.

Thank you for all comments I really appreciate it. I am going to speak with them frankly and say look I can't do much more about it it really is up to you - if you want to stay here I won't make you go back and it will all be ok. However because of his emotional manipulation I think they will both feel they 'should' as he is alone as sole carer to his younger dd who is thre full time. Dd has therapy and seems a bit empowered and has told me I need to step in and stop ex screaming at ds daily. I've contacted designated safeguarding lead at both schools to tell them my concerns but not directky referred myself. In all honestly the nightmare we had with cs when my daughter was assaulted was very traumatising for both.
My son is very shut down and also 3 months from GCSEs so I am loath to rock the boat and I have said to him - look of course you know you can choose now right where you want to live? And he brushed it off but I think he might just say ok fine that's enough now. I can only pray tbh as something has to give the situation really is intolerable.

Been split from my ex for 10 years also. My 15y old has not been to his dads for 7 weeks. His choice due to emotional trauma caused by his dad - things his dad said. My son said he is not going. They still text one another, however my son says ‘no’ when asked to go. My eldest has daddy issues and goes back and forth, she says she will go no contact when she is older (more to unpick/support here), however when she was a younger teen 12-14y she had long stints of not going.

Gosh @HVPRN very brave empoweres and insightful kids there - neither of mine are any where near refusing contact. Both terrified of displeasing him. Does ex h not kick up a fuss when they don't go and threaten court etc?

I realise writing this that we are all still terrified of him as he really makes life difficult and is very unstable.