School mum friends - when and how did you make yours?

[Mumfriendquestion]

I have a question- my son is in year 2 and while I talk to lots of mums on the school gates and have had play dates / the occasional meal on a two-family basis / larger nights out as a group, I wouldn’t say I was firm friends with any one. My son was friends with one boy in reception so I spent a lot of time with her but they’re not really friends any more and while I still speak to her, it’s only really on the school gates. A few of the mums’ children went to nursery together so they were good friends to start with and everyone is friendly but I was wondering when and how you became good friends with mums on the gates? Is it even possible now we’re 3 years into school? Is it too late? For some reason I’ve had a pang of feeling left out tonight. Any tips or insights welcome!

AIBU - you’re too late, you should have been making those relationships in R
AINBU - still time!

who do you want to be friends with is the fist question? Is it a general big group or a few individuals? For the big group - plan something! Or speak to the person who has organised the last thing and make a plan to do it again.
if it’s individuals - make the first move. You’ll quickly find if they’re receptive. Suggest taking the kids to an event or on a day out and once that’s successful try to build the friendship momentum. It won’t happen without effort.

Thanks - individuals I think. We do go out in a larger group but I’m more on the periphery. I guess it’s probably because I’m in a different town from where I grew up (and different from university too) so don’t have any close friends nearby (and lots of my old school/university friends don’t have children which makes it a different sort of friendship).

Hopeful bump…

My best mum friends have come about through shared after-school activities and sharing lifts to get there.....

I think if you haven't made a friend/s by Year 3 then it might be too late. Year 6 onwards you're no longer part of their school world so the chances really diminish.
Offer to do some school pick ups for another mother, or join the PTA.

do you have a class WhatsApp? Keep inviting everyone to what you’re going to eg playground Sunday afternoon- anyone about to come and join? We’ve booked this theater show row c seats 15-20 - anyone want to join us? Or do it to individuals if you are only open to friendships wit some. it’s not a play date you have to host or fund, just an invite to join in your plans. This is what I’ve done with nursery mums and have a couple of 1-1 friends now.
any single mums would be especially grateful for messages like this as they can get lonely at weekends. Check what their coparenting schedule is and invite on that mums weekend.
you could also host a wine and cheese night amd
open invite to all the class mums to join in.

Why do you have to be more than you are? I maintained a friendly enough relationship with various, able to speak happily at gates or football sidelines, occasionally be in a social situation, pals on Facebook but otherwise wasn’t hung up on being firm friends with any. It worked out well for me compared to others because it didn’t matter if my kids were or weren’t pals with their kids whereas I saw so may mum friends fall out due to the state of the kids’ relationship.

Also, do you disclose about yourself or are you a closed book? You have to be a little vulnerable and open up for people to feel they have bonded with you

Pick your victims and just go up and talk to them, that's what I did. I identified some people who looked like 'my type' of person and introduced myself, this was at the start of reception. We're now also in y2 and it's become a group of about 10 or 11 mums, and the kids all mostly get on great, which is fab.

I'm a very outgoing person and would absolutely welcome someone just joining in the chat at drop off etc.

Another easy way is to put an activity in the class WhatsApp if you have one (ie 'We're heading over to Local Park this afternoon if anyone wants to join/ will anyone be at Soft Play this half term?) And just see if you have any takers.

You can go for people who look fun or be strategic and just choose DCs mates mums.

But if you like specific individuals, invite them for a coffee? Be proactive. I didn’t take to anyone at DS’s first primary, and I seldom did pick ups and drop offs, but I’m still good friends with a group from his second, where he transferred mid-year when we moved house, who were his friendship groups’ parents. The DC are all at different secondaries now, but we all still see one another..

I chat to one mum a bit but our boys went to nursery together in 2019 and have been in the same class since (now Y2) so we have been on nodding terms for years. We spoke properly when they went into reception. We aren't "friends" though. To be honest a lot of them are younger than me or are already in smaller groups of two and three from the same country with the same first language. I actually find the dads easier to talk to as our boys go to the same rugby/football clubs.

All this to say - it's not unusual and not the best way to make friends just because you happened to give birth at the same time in the same town. My better friends are one from NCT and from work.

I have 3 good school mum friends now, 30 years down the line. We got friendly from very early on due to the kids’ friendship and sport ( sharing lifts etc is a good bond). Also my first DC was in a quiet social year group and we had lots of gatherings over the years. Back in the day I was probably friendly with about 6- 8 mums, and the friendships started in nursery/ early primary school.

Never nearly as friendly with DC2 year group although child had plenty of friends, maybe I didn’t need but they gelled less as a group.

I never did really. My kids went to parties etc but we often used afterschool club and childminders so the opportunity never really came up.

I think I might has avoided it a bit because I felt it had the potential to be awkward when the kids inevitably fell out.

I’m probably a bit of a closed book to be honest, which may be part of the problem.

Thanks for all of the comments everyone.

just chatting in the playground and at activities dd goes too. I work until 2.30 so it's always a rush re collection. Alot from playgroups. I'm from a totally different area to where I now live but have got several mum friends groups including some close ones. You do have to put yourself out and I've mostly meet nice people. Good luck op. Start by asking a mum who smiles at you in the playground silly little thing like hope it doesn't rain, dreading world book day but think found something in dc dressing up bag/box that might do ..etc. Scary I know x

I have made a few ‘mum’ friends from school but very few have come from my kids classes. I would focus on joining things in and around where you live - for yourself and maybe not your children. I’ve made who I think are lifelong friends through the PTA. We’re not cliquey but we’ve just gelled and would welcome others to join and include them.

Ours was like a rolling snowball met some at playgroup then we started school and met more. Now we’re a large group of about 20 and do lots of stuff all the time. Our older kids are at uni and mostly are no longer friends with each other!

We were all quite new in town so lots of like minded people looking for new connections

I so agree with this and abhor the cult of school mum friends. Accept and enjoy how things are but try to widen your outlook, even if that is only in small ways. Genuine friendships happen where they happen and most of these school mum friendships will fall by the wayside when your child enters senior school. Which will be in the blink of an eye.

Ours have gone from strength to strength. Most of my local friends were pregnant when we met - those babies are doing their A levels! It’s like every life stage why is it any different from friends met at school / work?

What if like me you work in a profession of boring squares? Through having children I’ve met women in the creative industries who are a million times more fun!

I realised part way through reception that it didn't matter if my friends weren't the parents of my son's friends. The church opposite my children school used to do an after school thing once a month with crafts and a story, a bit like toddler group but for older ones. I made friends going to that.

Thanks again for all of the helpful comments. I think I just need to put myself out there a bit more. I’m okay at general chit chat on the gates but it’s taking it to the next step I need to work on. My son does some clubs but people generally sit in silence whilst waiting!

My kids are in secondary now and most of the mum friends I have are ones that I shared interests with, not the ones that were particularly close to my children. In DD1's primary class, all her friends were younger siblings and while their parents were all nice, they weren't particularly interested in making more friends. So I just went for coffeesv and walks with people I liked, and got to know other folk. I've only kept in touch with one parent really from Dd1's class, but have a few friends from dd2's year. Agree that PTA was good for meeting people.

My eldest is in Y6 and I’d say I’ve put a bit more energy into friendships in last couple of years. I’ve done a few more coffees and got a new running buddy

not sure how much will stick but worth putting yourself out there

I’ve got a friend on the school run because we were on every single one together, both love to arrive early, dread being late, and mutually recognised we both find it all a bit awkward, with the massive bonus being when we realised a mutual love of books, we enjoy a regular chat about books a great deal. Our children are friendly but both have others they are friendlier with, but this mum feels like my most genuine friend 🥰

Agree with others though that primarily it’s about the children’s friendships, and being on friendly terms and having a bit of pleasant chit chat is enough and less awkward if friendships change between the children.

I’ve always wanted mine to find their own friends freely, so I’ve made the effort to both host and accept play date invitations from my eldest’s closest friend, despite rarely seeing his mum and her being a much more closed book generally. The close, and priority, friendship is between our boys, so I support that.