Opinion on if I am doing the right thing keeping my child from the other parent.

[NeedingASafeSpace]

My child’s father is highly absuive. I have offered all possible ways (bar mediation) of being civil and arranging contact and he will not agree. He has threatened me, since, that if I dictate the days he will do XYZ. All sorts of violence.
enough was enough I decided to resort to offering court action and keeping contact to none until there was a court order in place. This has been ongoing for YEARS. I won’t take it any longer.
I do, however, worry my child will resent me for this decision. While I know it is his dad’s choice to use court for contact or not, I somehow feel he will never take those steps. Am I wrong? I do have safeguarding concerns of course otherwise i wouldn’t resort to this. Although I know I am right to stop the contact I wonder is my child going to hate me when they’re older.

You are protecting your child.

Have you been able to get his threats in writing or recorded?

Not all of them but I have a big chunky folder proving a lot.

I think you are acting in your child's and your own best interests. No-one should have to put up with threats of violence. If, in the future, your child questions your decision, you can only give them an age appropriate explanation. Don't second guess yourself, you're not the one in the wrong here.

How is the father with the child? Taking your/his dislike for eachother to one side

How old is the child?

You’re doing exactly what you should be doing and that is protecting your child and yourself from him. I don’t think you’ve said your child’s age unless l missed it, but in my experience, you need to be ready to answer child’s questions as honestly and sensitively (to the child) as you can over time.

I would also be careful in painting your ex in too neutral light or even positive to try to be “fair”, as I found out too late that by doing that I had accidentally invalidated my younger child’s feelings about his dad and made him
feel guilty and anxious as a result. It took a while to repair the damage done. It’s honestly so tricky.

Can you give examples of the father’s behaviour/threats/abuse/safeguarding issues?

Hi, he used to wake my son up quite a lot by shouting at me and switching lights on in the middle of the night/early hours to spite me. He was screaming in front my son scaring him I was begging him to stop but he wouldn’t until I allowed him to record me saying he had never hit me (a lie) on camera he was recording me demanding me to say it (this was the last event before I left when it was safe to do so a day or two after) he smashed up my belongings in front of my child, name called me, degraded me, gave me a black eye when I was pregnant, took my phone off me so I couldn’t ring police during times like these. I left when it was safe to do so and have had no contact with him for months now and always advised to take me to court if he wants access. I never said he can’t. I always said he can have what professionals deem safe.

Hi OP, I’m sorry for not answering more quickly when you answered my question. This sounds really horrific, and I’m so sorry you and your son went through this. Well done for getting out - for your sake and your son’s.

Personally, in this situation, I think you are 100% right not to enable contact with your son. Your ex is abusive and dangerous. In part, your son shouldn’t have to witness your ex treating you that way (or any other poor woman he has partnered with). And there is a high risk of that abusive mess being directed at your son too.

in terms of your son’s resentment when older, I think you just need to be straight with him if he ever asks. I wouldn’t say you stopped the father from seeing him. By my understanding you aren’t. You were worried about your son’s safety, so after failed attempts to facilitate yourself, you asked the dad to go through official channels to make sure it was safe. He never did that. As mum your biggest job is to keep him safe. And unfortunately, his dad wasn’t a safe person. Through life, we have to surround ourselves by people who treat us well. And loads of people love him and treat him well… and you are deeply sorry that one of those is not his bio dad.

id also keep records of anything you have- of the efforts you made to facilitate, of how he treated you. If at some point your grown up son wants to see it all, it will help him see you were protecting him.

well done for getting free.

If he takes you to court, they might not like you keeping dc away from him altogether. It’s often seen as a war between adults and not the best for dc.

As you have said he is highly abusive, why would you even think to let your child be around him unsupervised ? For me it would have to be supervised or nothing. You will find the men will back him up, that he has a right to see his child ..etc. .. but majority of the women will be on your side. This isn't about ego or who can win. You have to put priority For the interests of your child.

After my divorce, my daughters did not want to see their dad, as they did not feel comfortable around him without me there, and I would not be around to defend them. Its sad but it's his fault, not ours.

You have to decide for your child if you think your child will be happy to spend time with him without you there, will he feel comfortable /happy and will he be safe.

If you make the decision that its best be doesn't see his dad, when he's older you will be able to explain why. He wouldn't resent you, he would just need the reasons why you made that decision..

Good luck whatever you decide.

How old is dc?

You need a prohibited steps order to prevent him just taking the child from school. Legally they can't refuse to hand a child over without a court order.

Just want to add that your child will definitely NOT hate you when he's older, he will realise how Very Lucky he was to have you.

There is a very good reason for the law being changed to not allow abusive parents to have unsupervised access to their children. Even if the child was never physically injured, witnessing DA is emotional abuse.

Children have been killed as a way of controlling their divorced/separated mother.

You are doing exactly the right thing for your child's safety and Family Court judges now know that it isn't the case that DA should be viewed separately from parental access.

Abusive parents do NOT have an automatic right to see their children.

2 years old so at an age where they cannot tell me what happens etc..

Thank you for this.
this is the bit I’m struggling with though.
I am being made as though I came like a theif in the night to keep my son from his dad. Well that wasn’t the case. I’d offered things before then and all I got was threats from him. I decided enough was enough it was affecting my MH heavily and therefore my parenting. I asked him to go through the courts. He has not (as of yet) yet somehow he’s screaming that I’m keeping him from his son.