Should I walk away?

[TVGTI]

My boyfriend’s father died last year. He is obviously very upset and I’ve been doing my best to support him in any way possible.

His mother is also very unwell and requires a lot of support, as she is extremely forgetful and sometimes a danger to herself. My BF has effectively moved in with his DM and I barely see or hear from him. I’ve made loads of effort to stay in touch and offer support but I appreciate that, as a family they’ve been through a lot recently.

Unfortunately his DM won’t accept any outside help. I have suggested cleaners and/or carers but apparently they need to deal with this as a family.

However (and this is my AIBU) I am feeling like his family is pushing me out. If I ring him, either his DM appears within five minutes and asks for something or his sibling makes some comment. I rang him last night and we weren’t on the phone for five minutes before his DM was texting him. Then she shouted for him and he went to see what she wanted. His sibling then appeared and I heard them say to my BF, that his DM needed something and he was to ‘get her (me) off the phone right now’.

I am somewhat upset by this. My BF didn’t speak up for me and I feel like I’m being an inconvenience.

I am getting to the point where I just feel like I ought to cut my losses and leave them to it. I understand and accept that this is a difficult time and am more than happy to support and take a bit of a back seat but I am not going to be treated like I’m being unreasonable for asking for a few minutes conversation per day to stay in touch.

AIBU?

How long have you been with him and does he live with you usually?

Personally I wouldn't be interested in anyone whose family didn't accept me. I couldn't be doing with all that drama.

I'd say nothing until he got back in touch, then say that he needs to focus on his family, so you're setting him free. He's acting as though he's single anyway, though.

We’ve been together for a few years but have never lived together. But we do see each other regularly (or used to).

I feel like his family resent my existence.

I'd walk away.

He's making no effort to keep in touch with you and is clearly preoccupied with what's going on with his family. That's his choice, but I'd make mine and agree with @TFImBackIn entirely.

Don't get in touch and then when/if he does simply tell him that he's obviously got too much on his plate and you want a relationship with someone that has time for you. And do end it. There's no point hanging around being bottom of his priority list.

Might be time to cut your losses. Sorry OP

If you’ve been together for a few years, I’d talk to him about how you’re feeling. Do you see each other at all? Ask him to meet you for a coffee or a drink and explain how you’re feeling.

They obviously need him and see you as a distraction that is taking him away. It’s not his fault but he does need to set boundaries. Maybe wait for him to get in touch with you. I do feel a bit sorry for him, sounds like he’s been through a lot and is struggling to keep everyone happy.
His sibling was incredibly rude though I wouldn’t be letting that one go.

Before anything else tell him how you feel.

I think it's time to cut your losses - if he can't spare a few minutes to chat to you without interruption then he's obviously not that bothered. If he wanted to see you, he would make time. Even if his mother needs 24 hr care, he and his siblings could share the load.

Unfortunately this is a boyfriend issue. He's the one who needs to say where the bear shits and until he does is just let him get on with it.

He knows that this whole thing isn’t normal and he knows that I am slightly upset by the whole thing. But he won’t upset his family. So I am not sure if I will bother trying to explain myself any further. I’m going to take a few days to think on it.

i think what hurts the most is that he didnt speak up for me - he just said ok im coming. If any of my family had spoken to him or about him like that id have been having words.

thanks everyone

We had a phone conversation a few days ago where he was interrupted three times in twenty minutes. I never stay on the phone more than 30 mins per day so I hardly think
im asking for a lot.

There's nothing you can do to force him to care about you more than he does his mum. And they're both recently bereaved so he's not in the right space to give you what you need.

Just split up amicably and try and find someone who can give you equal effort.

If you have been together for a few years but still aren’t living together then it doesn’t feel like you’re the priority.
Its a really difficult situation once elderly DPs start becoming needy and you have to be really strong to not cave in, in his case sounds like he actually wants to be living with his DM so you can’t fight that.

This. It’s not working for you.

Looking past your initial reaction, don't you think it odd that the siblings are also there but your bf has to deal with mother.

Is he the only one providing care. If so perhaps you need to talk about fairness and balance in his family and that he had the right and need to have time away.

Is he being bullied into this situation is what I am asking

Do his siblings live with his mother as well? Surely between them they can arrange a rota. Expecting one person to take it all on is unsustainable.

That all said, he's the one that needs to set boundaries. I strongly suspect it's a cultural thing and that it's unlikely to happen.

Just a bit of an update - I had to go away with work for five days and hadn’t spoken to him in nearly a week on the telephone (just a few short texts). I rang him when I got back and we hadn’t been on the phone five minutes when his DM was shouting about ‘who on earth is on the phone’ when he explained it was me she asked ‘why is she ringing EVERY morning?!’

I tried to speak to him and he just told me that he couldn’t be responsible for their behaviour and that they didn’t care that I could hear them being so rude about me.

It is making me really anxious to ring him - I don’t want to cause trouble for him or feel like I’m intruding - so I haven’t nor have I messaged him and I haven’t heard from him. So I guess there is my answer! I’ve tried - tried to stay in touch, tried to be there etc but I am being treated with rudeness by his family and it’s really upsetting me.

Im not asking him to care about me more than his DM - I completely accept that she has needs and that he loves her and needs to spend time with her. I just want to feel like he cares about me at all. I get that they are all going through a difficult time and I have been trying to help. I’m going through my own stuff with an elderly parent and he doesn’t ask or seem to care.

Im going to wait for him to get in touch (if he does) and tell him he clearly doesn’t have the capacity for a gf right now. It’s a shame but I suspect they’ll be happier in their family bubble.