To want to change everything?

[richteabiscwits]

I will try and make this as short as possible. Name changed as could be outing.

3.5 years ago we moved out of London to start a new life close to where I am originally from (me, DH and 2 DCs at the time aged 10 and 6). In London we had a pretty good life, both doing well work-wise, financially comfortable, great community of friends, and kids doing well at school. We had reasons for moving, mainly to be closer to family but thought it would also be nice for the kids to have some more freedom and for us to have more space at home.

Fast forward to now. DCs are 10 (year 6) and 14 (year 9). We are miserable. DH is self employed and things have been really difficult ever since we moved tbh. He is not happy, always frustrated, snappy and worries constantly about work issues and money which he brings home and to be honest he isn’t pleasant to be around a lot of the time. My youngest DC isn’t doing that well socially - partly due to some low-level bullying from a couple of really awful girls in her class which has been on and off since we moved. My eldest has made some bad friend choices at school and she is getting into trouble at school and it’s affecting her grades. She has been involved in some risky behaviour and is truly awful at home for 80% of the time (she is being assessed for ADHD). She argues constantly about everything and so rude and disrespectful to us. That leads to her and DH butting heads often.

I feel like I am battling to hold everything together on my own, and this gets me down sometimes. I feel like I am drowning, I have lost interest in a lot of things and can barely even muster the energy to make dinner some nights. I have cut my hours down to give me more respite and a bit of time to myself but I am finding it difficult to motivate myself to do things I want to do. I have also struggled to make like-minded friends here and feel a bit cut off socially.

We clearly can’t go on like this.

Does anyone have experience of similar? I want to make some positive changes but I just don’t know where to start. Do we take a gradual approach, taking one problem at a time and try to resolve them? Where do we even start? Or is it better to just do something drastic? In my mind the answer is moving back to London but that’s going to be very difficult and of course there are no guarantees that things will be better anyway - its not like we can just slot back into our previous life there as if we haven’t been away and will have to start again from scratch. I just feel overwhelmed with it all at the moment and would appreciate some practical advice if anyone has any.

I think it might help to separate out the issues. It sounds like you've latched onto the idea that all your problems have been caused by moving and would be solved by moving back. But that almost certainly isn't the case and you'd be taking the problems back with you along with the added upheaval and stress of moving the DC again. Your DD will still be a teenager with ADHD, for example. So, some questions to think about. Did moving solve the original problems of wanting to be closer to family and wanting more space? Is that extended family supportive? Could your DH change his job where you are? What else is making him unhappy? What support does your eldest need and is there a different school option that you could explore? I think some important family conversations need to happen.

Also, where are your friends? It sounds like all of you are struggling with that. If they are all back in London for all of you that is a big factor, I think. I am only getting through parenting teens because of my friends - it's a brutal time.

You drove the move from London…. Yes?

We moved back to the city from an unhappy move to the country and it was definitely the right move for us. That said, I think the hankering to come back was in part rose tinted glasses and a desire to move back in time to a point where life had been easier for us. Things are better for us now but lots of that is due to the passing of time and problems resolving themselves naturally.

Can I suggest that you and your husband make a 12 month plan. List all the things that are making you unhappy and then make a plan of things you can do to improve every area. Little things, bigger things, really transformative things and then set deadlines, actions related to all of them. Set a list for the first week then have a get together to see how it's gone. What you did, what improved, are you happier, is life easier.

Keep doing this. If things get better then that's great, if in 12 months things are still no good then hopefully you'll have done a lot of good things and can move back then.

Not exactly. I drove the location because it was close to my family but everyone was on board and wanted to go.

I have cut my hours down to give me more respite and a bit of time to myself
how much did you cut your hours and salary? Can you afford to ? Can you afford for your husband to do same?

which is strange given the children were very young and also happy and settled at their schools.

He is not happy, always frustrated, snappy and worries constantly about work issues and money

so you reducing your hours can’t have been warmly received

want to make some positive changes but I just don’t know where to start.
maybe go back to full time work? That’ll give you some order and structure to your day, and by all increasing your income that will release some of the responsibility and stress for your husband?

My hours reduction is not relevant to our finances/situation and I’m not bringing in less money. I’ve only been in a position to do this over the last few months and he was fully onboard. He doesn’t have to contribute more money to the family/bills because of me working less hours and he’s not making up any shortfall.

But @richteabiscwits you’ve said above he worries constantly about work issues and money which he brings home.
is he being irrational? Does he agree alls ok? Can he cut hours to give him respite from stress?

I think your story has a moral. If you and yours have a good community and good friends, don't move. A bigger house can't make up for lost friends and community.

Do you think you can make friends where you are? Do you think your kids can?

Why can't you, the adults at least, slot back into your old life in London, in terms of friends at least. Perhaps the kids could too?

Could your H get employed work in London and so feel less stressed?

How would the eldest child cope with the move back?

I want a job where reducing my hrs doesn’t reduce my income 😀

@Pepeshortstocking my eldest would be my main worry. I don’t think she would want to move at all.

So is it your husband who wants to move?

I work 4 days a week so definitely have structure and routine. I’m also going to be helping out with his business more to take some of the pressure off. I do think he puts a lot of pressure on himself though.

@SundayBells thank you. I really like your idea ☺️

@FigAboutTheRules I think you’re right. I have latched onto moving as the cause of all this. Yes there are some definite positive changes to moving here. Thank you for reminding me to look at those.

can you afford to move back to London? Given the your DH is struggling g with self employment and you have reduced your hours?

I think you need to think carefully about another move and how it would impact your child who is yr 9 and due to do GCSEs in finish school in 2-3 yrs.

the housing market/moving and house chains add considerable stress?

OP, you mention feeling overwhelmed, losing interest in things, a lack of energy and not being able to motivate yourself to do things you'd like. Do you think you're depressed?

I very much doubt that you would be able to move back to London. You And your family seem so have had such a good life there - seems to strange to have moved. Maybe you’re looking back on London with rose tinted specs?