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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be hurt that my brother won't take my side

55 replies

estrogone · 01/03/2026 12:22

We were raised in a home with an unstable, alcoholic mother, lots of domestic violence, suicide attempts. I was subject to some physical abuse from my father and an enormous barrage of verbal and emotional abuse from my drunk mother. I was SA as a 6 year old on one of their benders by the teenage daughter of one of their friends. I told them about this year's later and they ignored me, later welcoming that person into their home.

I bore the brunt. So I am not in contact with my parents. My brother just pretends nothing is wrong. He goes about his business as if it was all normal. AIBU to feel hurt that he has never had the balls to call this out? I dont expect him to go NC or even say anything to my parents at all, but he could at least acknowledge it to me. I know he knows. He told me once in a single sentence, that he remembers.

I haven't said anything to him, but this is starting to burn a hole in my brain. I feel hurt and irrational. It feels like he is taking sides just by his lack of anything. I tried talking him about it and ever since he has been distant.

EDIT to fix autocorrect.

OP posts:
estrogone · 02/03/2026 10:21

bigdogpaws · 02/03/2026 08:33

I don't have any answers as to why, OP, but I understand how you feel about people who witnessed your abuse trying to rewrite history. My older brother was a nasty, abusive narcissist who was mentally and physically abusive to me, our parents and (although less so, as the rest of us tried to protect him) my younger brother. He was also abusive towards his wife and girlfriends (there was always at least one 'on the side'). At the time, our parents acknowledged that his behaviour was not right but expected me to keep quiet to avoid 'provoking' him and making it worse. When I left home I eventually went NC with older brother and our parents and my younger brother were outraged. They, and older brother, claimed not to understand why. Examples of shitty behaviour that I gave were either denied or bushed off as 'all children fight sometimes' (despite the fact that at the time he was a fully grown adult and I was a child being punched and kicked). Excuses were made for behaviour that couldn't be denied (eg. of course he cheated on his wife, she didn't keep the house clean enough! Police had to be called to stop him hitting mum because 'he was under a lot ogf stress'). Older brother became and alcoholic (in my view because he found that 'I was drunk' made people more likely to accept or even laugh about his awful behaviour) and passed away. I am still seen as the difficult one, told how awful it was that I didn't support older brother when he was ill, accused of lying for attention etc. Younger brother and parents talk of older brother as though he was a saint, and younger brother even named his child after him. I've been through self doubt (have I somehow imagined things?), upset, anger and now I've realised I need to distance myself from them all.

This sounds so truly horrific. I am so sorry you suffered so terribly.

OP posts:
bigdogpaws · 02/03/2026 10:39

@estrogone Thank you. I know many people had much worse childhoods than mine and I am lucky enough to have an amazing DH, DC and MIL who support me fully. But I suppose the point of my post was I understand why you feel let down and confused that someone who witnessed what happened and was probably traumatised himself seems happy to pretend it was all lovely and not support you when you try to call it out. But ultimately the best thing for you may be counselling and distance from them all.

Hankunamatata · 02/03/2026 11:01

Do you think henis in survival mode. Bury is deep, pretend it didn't happen then you dont have to face it?

estrogone · 02/03/2026 11:30

This thread has really made me see that I need proper help.

I am going to step back from this thread now as I think revisiting this is becoming unhealthy in the absence of a professional to help me. I have skated the surface for too long - I should have recognised decades ago that I need to prioritise getting proper help.

Thank you all for being kind and respectful.

OP posts:
LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 02/03/2026 18:10

estrogone · 02/03/2026 11:30

This thread has really made me see that I need proper help.

I am going to step back from this thread now as I think revisiting this is becoming unhealthy in the absence of a professional to help me. I have skated the surface for too long - I should have recognised decades ago that I need to prioritise getting proper help.

Thank you all for being kind and respectful.

Edited

Good luck, OP. I hope you find peace.

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