Hi Guys,
Ive had to move back into my mums house over the last couple of years because my dad needs care and to cut a long story short my mum won’t care for him or give up her job to look after him. This is not the question up for debate but ultimately this is going on in the background.
both my children have Autism but my son has high needs and doesn’t say many words and comes home from school often so I work part time. So considering my dad requires care I thought we’d move in an help with my dad. Also our landlord sold the property and it’s hard finding other places we can afford in the area so it seems like a good solution.
Living with my parents has been challenging one of the biggest challenge which has seen me searching for other housing alternatives is my mother spoiling my daughter and judging / getting involved in my parenting. As a person I actually believe it’s helpful to have an older perspective when it comes to handling issues and I’m not the kind of person who completely blocks out other people’s parenting views . I like to hear them and if I like it I will tweak my approach. My mothers parenting however in my opinion is really poor and it’s been becoming more and more evident the longer I am here . It’s been 2 years so far. The issues in the house have been a slow simmer but it feels like we are at boiling point.
Background to help understand the family dynamic:
When growing up I didn’t get much of anything I wanted and honestly that was very upsetting at the time and it took awhile for me to move on as I grew up. My mums saying is that if you love someone you give them things so I used to feel unloved as I never got anything. I have learnt that this is a very flawed statement and I’ve moved on from that.
My brother on the other hand got anything he wanted all of the time and this is still an on going theme. ( which in my mind based on my mum’s ideology that means she loves him and not me) It’s not that my mother didn’t try and discipline him but that she gave in everytime he put up a fight. My brother was diagnosed with ADHD but was unmedicated for most of his growing up life because mum didn’t like how he looked like a zombie. That’s using her words. They never tried any other medication. My brother growing up used to torture me and unfortunately I am not over exaggerating. He would spend everyday and all day targeting me by following me around the house , pinching ,punching , banging , stealing and breaking my toys 🧸. Just so many things my childhood was very traumatic and I would sit in front of my bedroom door while he endlessly kept trying to bash the door down to get in. I would beg my parents for a lock on my door but they wouldn’t get me one because they were worried that when I grow up I might bring boys home and have sex in my room. (This still bothers me. I was eight or nine when I first started asking for a lock and my brother is two years younger) They never openly mentioned sex to me but as I grew up I figured that’s what they meant by they didn’t want me being locked in my room with boys. They never supported me or reprimanded my brother for his behaviour. Now when my brother couldn’t get his way he would divert his attention off me and do the same things to my mother until she gave in to his demands.
Now:
20 years later my brother is 28 and still living with my mum and is still controlling her life and judging what everyone else does. He won’t cook,won’t clean , will openly moan about how disgusting the house is all the time . He doesn’t pay for anything apart from use his own money for fancy watches he collects and holidays abroad. He doesn’t buy his own food, my mum pays for his phone, she pays for his car insurance,mot,tire replacements, petrol ect. He want wash his clothes and he will not contribute to any of the house work at all and if you ask he goes nuts shouting and swearing and slamming doors . Otherwise he stays in his room away from everyone.
he dictates my mum’s life he will call her and tell her she needs to come home and make him dinner and he will be really nasty on the phone if she doesn’t instantly agree to do that . He doesn’t like her going on holiday and if she does she has to batch cook food for him and do all his laundary .
Just to put into perspective how bad it is. My parents house was in extremely poor condition when we moved into it. The floor in the bathroom had collapsed and the bathroom wall was falling down. The kitchen floor had started collapsing and most of the kitchen cabinets were either broken or fallen off the wall. My husband and I have worked really hard fixing their home and spent a lot of money because they didn’t have it to make it liveable. My brother has been living with them like this for absolute years and has never once supported them in anyway not with labour or financially. In fact he lives in their house rent free and I pay rent. Its disgusts me that he will walk around the house calling it a 💩 hole yet he did nothing to prevent what it became before we moved in. He also still will not contribute in anyway.
Now to my daughter 7 years:
She has been diagnosed with autism and is awaiting her ADHD assessment however in her autism assessment they said it’s highly likely she does also have ADHD. She screams, punches ,pulls hair and goes crazy if she cannot get what she wants. Something she never did before we moved back into my parents house. She used to be a very lovely and sweet girl who was very hyperactive and smart. Now she uses her smarts to get what she wants going behind peoples back but when manipulation doesn’t work she gets violent.
I will not give into her negotiations or her violent behaviour however like my mum did with my brother she folds and gets her everything she wants from her. I’m finding when I stand firm and say no to things my daughter will go to my mother to get that thing. I’ve told my mum that her giving into my daughter might make her turn out like my brother. My mother says I’m horrible rude and disrespectful towards her and that I don’t show my daughter any love ( because I don’t shower her with gifts or hugs). I have never been a hugger , my mum hated that and used to say as a child I didn’t show her love. I do hug my daughter but when the moment calls for it . I’m autistic myself and hugs are a sensory no no but I still hug. I know it’s important for children. But mum doesn’t understand she says I’m a harsh horrible mother and that I favour her brother.
I hate how my mum says I favour her brother. I do have a completely different approach with my son to my daughter because he has completely different needs to my daughter and is more disabled. Where my son will get cuddles and a lot of patience. My daughter and I used to go out exploring because she loves adventure that’s how I show I love her we go out and do things together and we used to colour together and do science experiments and watch science stuff. I know it’s sounds like I’m pushing this but I wasn’t . My daughter has always has a fascination with science and attends science club after school and my mum doesn’t understand that I didn’t push that on her she has that interest all by herself so my mum thinks I’m trying to turn her into a cold robot. My daughters interests have changed since being with my mum who tells her she’s not a girl if she doesn’t like princesses and wear beautiful dresses and hug and kiss everything etc. My daughter now doesn’t want to go exploring she wants to go to nail and hair appointments etc . I understand children’s interests change over time that’s fine but I can’t help but wonder if my mum’s directing it.
My daughter diet was already restrictive because of her ASD before we moved in but since we moved in , she gives my daughter sweets everyday , crisps , take out , constantly comes home with toys and clothes for her. My daughter has started running to her grandmother everytime I tell her she can’t do or have something and sometimes my mum will phone me and tell me off over the phone and ask me to justify my decision and beg me to change my mind because she doesn’t think it’s fair that my daughter hit and punch her to get something that I should be giving her. I have had multiple screaming matches with my mum. My daughter laughs and thinks it’s funny something that’s baffled me. How could you want to see two adults fighting like that or is it nervous laughing?
My relationship with my mother which I worked hard to repair over years is gone completely shattered. My relationship with my daughter is badly strained and probably very poor at this point. I am at my breaking point so admitly I’m probably getting harsher quicker because I’m tired of the cycle. My dad refuses to get involved and my husband is on the fence. He works 60 hours a week and isn’t often around To see what I’m dealing with but he feels I’m too harsh (he usually only sees me at breaking point). I don’t think I’ve always been harsh but maybe I am now. I’m quite snappy lately. I feel like I’m going insane with zero support caring for both my son and my dad and having to keep the house tidy as well as do the general maintenance a house needs ie deep cleaning machines like oven,washing machine,dishwasher and shower etc . Now don’t get me wrong my husband does and is willing to help with cleaning and he does often help . It’s just that he isn’t home often. My mother will not do any house work other than ironing . My dads disabled and god forbid I even suggest my brother support in anyway I hear about how he doesn’t use the ‘public’ spaces and he is studying a masters and needs to be left alone. Mum agrees with this.
my daughter absolutely ruined our Disneyland holiday crying and throwing tantrums when we wanted to do things we or her brother wanted to do. I feel like my 7 year old is trying to control me and my husband thinks it’s literally just her adhd and autism and I need to be more sensitive. She was never this way before and I feel like I could stop it again if my husband wouldn’t fight me when I’m telling my daughter to suck it up. It seems like even we aren’t on the same page because he isn’t around to understand how bad it is and he won’t believe me when I try and say how bad it is. He says I’m misunderstanding things and that I’m polrobably overly anxious and what’s he’s seeing isn’t that bad. She behaves better with her dad so it’s never as bad as when he isn’t there. Maybe I am a little harsh then when he is around but when he is around I’m usually really tired and on a short fuse.
I really don’t know what to think , I’m tired, I’m overwhelmed and I’m sick of always having to answer to someone about my choices. I also don’t think it’s healthy in a family to have all your decisions dictated by a 7 year old . We can’t just do anything nice as a family it always has to please my daughter or she will go out of her way to make the experience miserable. She wanted Disneyland but cried the whole time and complained about wanting to be at the hotel. I swear my 7 year old doesn’t act like a seven year old. Am I being harsh, am I over thinking things?
I love my daughter and all I want is the best for her. It’s not beneficial at all for her future to think she can get anything and everything she wants without putting any work into it and I’m extremely worried about her health. She’s putting on weight and I’m scared she isn’t getting the nutrients she needs and my family has a history of heart disease and diabetes.
im sorry if this is too brief please feel free to ask questions and i will expand anything. I love my family despite all the struggles. I am thinking we have to move out , it breaks my heart because my mum won’t care for my dad . She has old school opinions and can be rather abusive towards him telling him he’s useless because she believes the man should support her and him being disabled means he can’t work mum and she now needs to pick up her work hours to cover his loss in wage . She keeps going on about how men are supposed to provide and she only works as a hobby but now it doesn’t feel like a hobby because he’s not working.
ultimately am I going crazy? Am I being unreasonable?