To not spend more time with DM

[QueenStevie]

My DM is 70. She can drive. She has some slight arthritis in her hands but is generally in good health, besides the usual aches and pains.

Her husband (my step father) left her a few years ago (a v.long back story not really relevant) so she now lives alone. She has a couple of hobby groups that she attends each week.

I work full time (in a school in a leadership role so long, full on days not just the standard 9-5).My DH has a similar role but also has a long commute. By the time the weekend comes, we have the usual life admin, shopping, washing etc to do, plus it's nice to just have some down time. We generally both do work on Sundays so really only have Saturdays.
I usually see DM once a week at the weekend when she will pop in for a coffee and a chat. In the school holidays, we will generally go out for lunch etc.

Every time I see DM she makes me feel guilty for not doing more with her. She will tell me how she hasn't been anywhere, seen anyone, done anything. She does have a close friend that she usually sees once a week. She has other friends as well that she catches up with every so often.

The trouble is that she could do more if she initiated it. She has cousins that she could meet up with for lunch. She could even do things by herself but she says she doesn't want to do things alone. I think this is where we differ. I will happily go to the cinema etc on my own if no one I know wants to see the same thing. I will go to the gym or for a coffee on my own. I am aware it is different for me that I am choosing to do things alone and I have company with DH when I get back home.

I keep making suggestions of things she could do but she just pulls a face. I feel like she just wants me to entertain her more but I just don't have the capacity. I feel she could take the initiative more and ask her friends to meet up more frequently or to go somewhere with her that she would like to go. She is just waiting for someone to ask her to do things and then moaning about it. She used to have a cat who sadly died so DD and I are trying to persuade her to get another as a bit of company for her at home but, again, she pulls a face and says no.

Meeting up with her is becoming harder and harder and actually making me want to see her less bit more because she is just so negative but I am wracked with guilt that I am not doing more with her. I am an only child. She has a sister but is NC. After she retired, she had a lot to do caring for her parents but they have both now passed so I think she doesn't know how to fill the void but is it my job to do that for her?

What was your childhood like? What’s she been like as a mother to you?

I would pass the buck back to her. You've already made all the suggestions.

"Yes, mum, you do need to expand your social circle. What's your plan?"

I think if her health is reasonable and she has a car then it’s not your responsibility to do more than suggest …volunteering, WI, join an exercise class, book club… (anything you think she might be interested in to fill her time and meet more people)

Once a week is quite a lot!

I’d just keep encouraging her to do more herself. She has plenty of options. It is tough when the time you do have is overtaken by endless moaning about why it’s not more… DHs mum started to do the same thing, and he barely sees them now. That’s not the only reason, but he found it so draining.

I think you need to be much firmer with her.

Stop feeling guilty and tell her that her attitude is making you want to see her less and she needs to understand other people have other demands on their time too.

Next time she gets moody, get up and leave. She will soon realise that grumpiness has the consequence of making you leave.

You have to fill the space with your own worries, first. I was in a similar position and found that when I stopped listening and be8ng sympathetic to her woes and started complaining myself, she found it much easier.

In her head, I was enjoying my life surrounded by with purpose and people. She needed to hear me worrying about DH’s health, that I was having tests to be sure my iron was right as I was so tired, that I hadn’t been able to get a hair cut because the car needed servicing/cat vet/dripping tap etc. She’d forgotten that busy for her was ‘two things on the same day’. Busy for me was ‘can I eat and have a shower?’.

What’s that got to do with it? Op works full time and sees DM once a week. What more can she do?

Because of the childhood and relationship was shit, I wouldn’t see her once a week.

So you can calm down now!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all but then I’m in a very similar position.

I have sent her links to the U3A which she has now refused to even look into. She is telling me she is overwhelmed with everything she had to do (admin stuff e.g. insurance etc) but she seems to make everything more difficult and I'm not quite sure how because she is a competent person.

I think the top and bottom of it is that she is lonely and she is upset that her husband left her but she seems to think she is the only person who is on their own at her age. I have pointed out people we both know whose husbands have died suddenly etc and how they are living a full life but she just seems to be so negative about everything. She absolutely does not want to consider another relationship. I just cannot fill the void that she has but because I am an only child, I feel responsible. The worrying thing is that I also have an only and I never want her to feel this way about me.

With regards to my childhood, she and my dad got divorced when I was very young. She then took up with this other man who she was with for most of my childhood, who didn't really seem to like children, seemed to see me as a massive inconvenience and used to get in the most almighty sulks and give us the silent treatment if I had done something 'wrong' or if he felt like DM had not punished me sufficiently. Then we had to walk on eggshells do as not to upset him. He used to refer to me as 'it' and, at one point, put a bolt on my bedroom door and would lock me in if I'd been 'naughty'. I do have a lot of unresolved issues around this time and it is not something DM and I would ever discuss. I think she liked him because he was exciting.

Then, in my teens, they eventually, finally split up for good (there had been many threats of this over the years). She got together with a lovely man (my stepfather) but there were issues connected with his business which meant he ended up losing a lot of money and their house which tainted their relationship (he didn't do anything wrong btw, he just made some bad decisions and was ineffectual in other matters which meant he was taken advantage of massively). DM never really got over this and held it against him and I think he just got fed up. I am still in contact with him and still seem him every six weeks or so. She does not know this as she hates him. She knows we have some contact with him as he is basically the grandad that my DD has known but I don't think she knows how often. I think she assumes Christmas and birthdays.

Not many people know this history IRL, in fact really only DH knows it all. Anyway, I don't really know where that all came from as I don't usually talk about it but I think it gives some context.

That sounds so similar to my mum and my childhood OP, it feels so unfair that we had to put up with their choice of man when we were young and vulnerable and now they are older we’re supposed to just forgive and forget. It’s very difficult isn’t it. My mum genuinely can’t see she ever did anything wrong and now tries to play the helpless old lady and expects me to just go along with it.

Seems like your DM has quite a transactional.approach to relationships. But more to the point it appears she absolutely did not put you first when you were a child.

Not only do you not need to feel guilty, you need to not feel guilty, iyswim

If you can't manage to tell her straight "im too busy mum" (like I have occasionally told my own mum, who accepts this) - or of course, if she can't hear you say that, then perhaps you need some support to protect yourself.

Good God, the stepdad sounds awful. I wouldn't be able to forgive her for putting me through that in your shoes.

Agree that once a week is a lot. My mum is on her own and also expects me to entertain her. I see her most weekends but some I skip because I'm busy. She does make me feel guilty for it but she needs to not rely on me so much.

She does make me feel guilty for it but she needs to not rely on me so much

I would reframe this as “she tries to make me feel guilty for it, but I’m not falling for that.”