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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling confused and guilty?

13 replies

ToeSucker · 28/02/2026 22:58

I caught up with an old school friend the other night. We hadn't seen each other in years and randomly re-connected over something on Facebook so we met up.

We ended up talking about school. The conversation of her not getting prefect came up and how I had sort of led a campaign for people not to vote for her even though she probably deserved to be prefect. Again this was years ago.
I was apologetic and explained I had been going through a difficult time (parents divorced) and I think I had been driven by jealousy as she always had everything together, had both parents around, had a comfortable home life etc.

That's when the conversation turned awkward. She was looking at me confused and said "My dad died when I was 10. Are you thinking of someone else?"

Turns out she had a really broken family and a difficult upbringing and was still perfect anyway. I was so embarrassed because I realised I didn't have anything to back up my statement and I never knew anything about her family at all. I must have just assumed. I can't believe I was so rude and self-absorbed about it. I was actually convinced she was lying to me but I looked up the obituary and newspaper article later online.

I know this is probably a minor thing but I feel silly and like my brain has played a trick on me. I feel like I looked like a twat. She was nice about it but I feel stupid.

AIBU to feel like an idiot?

OP posts:
UnhappyHobbit · 28/02/2026 23:05

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel confused. But in all honesty, it doesn’t sound like you were friends back then if you didn’t know about her family situation. Perhaps she’s holding on to childhood stuff and decided to meet up with you to air this prefect thing because it still bothers her. she needs to move on from it. I can’t imagine trying to meet up with someone I went to school with and then make them feel bad for something they did when they were younger.

Miloarmadillo2 · 28/02/2026 23:06

I think if you’ve now apologised and she was nice about it move on. You made incorrect assumptions and behaved badly back then but if you’ve admitted it and said sorry then you are clearly not a t**t now.

takealettermsjones · 28/02/2026 23:07

I think it's something to look back on with regret no matter what her home life was like, so I don't think this revelation would make any difference to me in terms of how I felt about it. But you can't do anything about it now other than apologise.

MayWelland · 28/02/2026 23:09

@ToeSucker can you say a bit more about what you mean by a ‘campaign for people not to vote for her’?

Original poster
ToeSucker · 28/02/2026 23:23

UnhappyHobbit · 28/02/2026 23:05

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel confused. But in all honesty, it doesn’t sound like you were friends back then if you didn’t know about her family situation. Perhaps she’s holding on to childhood stuff and decided to meet up with you to air this prefect thing because it still bothers her. she needs to move on from it. I can’t imagine trying to meet up with someone I went to school with and then make them feel bad for something they did when they were younger.

It was actually me who brought it up 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
ToeSucker · 28/02/2026 23:25

MayWelland · 28/02/2026 23:09

@ToeSucker can you say a bit more about what you mean by a ‘campaign for people not to vote for her’?

I went around one by one convincing people not to vote for her. I mainly said she wanted it too much and would use it to control us/ lord it over us. I told her shortly afterwards that I did it, so she knew when we met up. At the time I was truthful with her too - I thought she'd enjoy it too much. So she did know. She just didn't know I thought she deserved less nice things.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToeSucker · 28/02/2026 23:27

UnhappyHobbit · 28/02/2026 23:05

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel confused. But in all honesty, it doesn’t sound like you were friends back then if you didn’t know about her family situation. Perhaps she’s holding on to childhood stuff and decided to meet up with you to air this prefect thing because it still bothers her. she needs to move on from it. I can’t imagine trying to meet up with someone I went to school with and then make them feel bad for something they did when they were younger.

We really were very good friends. I think she just didn't talk about home much at all so I didn't know.

OP posts:
MayWelland · 28/02/2026 23:34

I mean this kindly, but that sounds like bullying to me @ToeSucker. And while I hear PP saying that people do silly things when they are younger, prefects are awarded at what, 15/16? I think that’s old enough to know better.

Maybe I’m just being a bit Pollyanna about it and people will say I’m too harsh but tbh I’m glad you are reflecting on your behaviour, because whether or not her family was ‘perfect’, it was still a shitty thing to do.

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 23:40

In my experience girls can be horrible to one another even if they are friends but every close friend I had at high school - I knew whether their parents were together or not. One of my close friends - her dad was an alcoholic - you can't just assume - some people have crap home lives and put a face on

Hopefully you can move past it. Of the six of us that were friends when I went to school from recollection three were prefects and three weren't - I wasn't. It never bothered me. I think it's a bit ridiculous anyway. Giving some pupils power over others. One of my pals was school captain and her brother was before her too. There was definitely favouritism at my school as to who got prefect and who didn't - pretty sure the teachers got the final say anyway

I would never have dreamed of telling folk not to vote for someone

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 23:41

MayWelland · 28/02/2026 23:34

I mean this kindly, but that sounds like bullying to me @ToeSucker. And while I hear PP saying that people do silly things when they are younger, prefects are awarded at what, 15/16? I think that’s old enough to know better.

Maybe I’m just being a bit Pollyanna about it and people will say I’m too harsh but tbh I’m glad you are reflecting on your behaviour, because whether or not her family was ‘perfect’, it was still a shitty thing to do.

Yeah. 16 at my school

SnobblyBobbly · 28/02/2026 23:43

Well you’re brave to meet up with her when it sounds a bit like you bullied her so I’m not surprised you feel guilty, I would too. But I understand feeling jealousy as a teen when others had seemingly perfect lives.

Although with age comes wisdom. It all seems so simple when you’re young, and we know now that actually no one and no life is ‘perfect’ but we don’t know that when we’re young.

learning lessons is what life is all about so don’t beat yourself up too much x

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 23:53

A girl at my school kicked my head in three years after she was expelled. On a night out. I wasn't with her but her ex asked me out and I said no and she got me outside. Pulled me onto the ground by my hair and booted me unconscious

She was never my pal though but some people are misguided and some are plain evil - no point in beating yourself up about it

Triskels · 01/03/2026 00:40

The odd thing about this isn’t that you didn’t know her father had died, but that you don’t seem to have realised when you agreed to meet this woman that you were meeting up with your bullying victim.

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