..to feel like the world's worst POS?

[Valeyard15]

DP's mum died six months ago. DD is poorly and is needing a lot of time with the paediatrician.

And all I can think about is how miserable I am. I want to be a rock and support everyone and be selfless, but am finding it so hard. I haven't slept in my own bed for 4 months. My job is ridiculously busy and I don't have any friends to speak to. I feel like there's no joy and nothing to look forward to, but most of all feel like a selfish piece of for thinking this way.

Sorry it's so hard right now. Everything passes, but right this moment it sounds really rough.

You aren’t. You are someone who’s running on empty and struggling.

Remember you can’t keep it up indefinitely if you don’t look after yourself. You need to put your own oxygen mask on first. That isn’t selfish, it’s pragmatic.

You don't sound selfish at all. It sounds as if you are doing everything you possibly can to take care of everyone. Its not selfish to find this hard, you must be exhausted.

It's so horrible cos I feel resentful, and I know I shouldn't. Just feel so tired. Am very privileged compared to others so feel like a fraud for feeling like this.

It’s absolutely ok to feel resentful of being the one who has to cope, who is picking up the pieces, who is ‘the strong one’.
I know other people aren’t deliberately relying on you and leaving you to it, but the impact on you is the same. It’s ok to notice that. You are stepping up- you don’t have to step up AND be cheerful!

Firstly, you're not a selfish POS so stop that now!

Secondly, why can't you sleep in your own bed? If it's a small thing that would help, then do it.

Thirdly, how is your H handling his grief? I've lost a parent and can well understand the pain, and it is all so personal and individual of course, but if he's still on the floor six months out he needs professional help. He should at least be functional and helping practically.

Fourth, can you speak to your employers and see if something like a sabbatical or a break is possible in the circumstances, even for a month? I don't know if financially it would work for you, but could be worth considering.

Try and use microwave meals. Or easy ones that just need heated up. Some of them are actually really good. One thing less to do.
Perhaps you could take some time off ?
And look after YOU. Good luck X

DP is co-sleeping with DD, so I sleep elsewhere - because I have to be up first each morning that is the least worst option.

DP is doing OK, but FIL is more of a worry. I have been cooking for him to ease the pressure.

A sabbatical or similar isn't on the cards - I am a service manager and need to be there for my team, but we are also restructuring and everyone says I am in line for a promotion (which i don't want but would be a game changing amount of money for us).

How old is DD? Is it necessary for DP to co-sleep with her?

If it is, could they not co-sleep in her room?

I think you need to have a serious chat with DP and say you can't go on doing all this. It's kind of you to cook for FIL but you can't do that forever and right now you need to lighten the load.

Dd just gets a better sleep with one of us next to her. I have to get up so much earlier than DP it just makes more sense to do it that way.

I've voted YABU because YABU to think so badly of yourself.

It sounds like you've had and are having a really tough time OP. You're probably experiencing burnout which ime can make you feel how you describe. It's like you go into survival mode because you have so little left to give.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You need to prioritise your own physical and mental health in order to be able to properly help others xx

How old is she though? Is she of an age where she should really be in her own bed? If it's a must, is there no way DP can sleep in her room and you can sleep in your own bed? Could you take it in turns?

You mentioned it in the OP so clearly it plays on your mind. And of course it does, you've been kicked out of your own bed for four months. Nicely, stop thinking about what's "more sense" (for other people - I'm sure you getting up early worked just fine before) and start thinking about what you would like.

You are actually being far too selfLESS, OP. You actually have to be a bit more selfish, because right now you're running on empty because you have given and given and given. Please stop thinking badly of yourself.

Did MIL die of old age?

FIL needs to sort out delivered meals from Cook or similar. Fine to cook for him for a few weeks but 6 months is ridiculous.

www.cookfood.net/?srsltid=AfmBOoqori1i5NAUYlrddzliwxDIaYG21GSRgrZdwRnblUcL-Xok8LYd

Dd is unwell. It doesn't matter how old she is, if she needs to be with a parent to sleep, that's what needs to happen.

@Valeyard15 could you afford to get a more comfortable bed for yourself? Can you make your current sleeping space better?

You're not a pos, you're understandably exhausted.

Any chance FIL might actually be better off feeling needed? Could you possibly ask him to do some family meals? Or anything else you lighten your load? Really explain how you need his help?

DD is 14.

Just feel very lonely.