To struggle when a loved one pulls away during a hard time and then reappears later?

[OneUniquePlumBird]

Has anyone experienced a close friend or family member being distant when you really needed support, only to reconnect once time has passed or things had improved?

Did you forgive and move on, keep them at arm’s length or feel something had permanently shifted? I’m trying to understand whether this is something people genuinely get past or whether trust quietly changes.

Sometimes people show you who they are. Keep at arm’s length.

To add, the person who did this to me repeated the behaviour over and over. I felt and still feel very let down.

They're fair weather family or friends and now you know they're not to be counted on. So yeah, that changes things.

I had a really good friend who did that and then wanted to continue the friendship a year later. I just couldnt see her again. I felt betrayed.

I think you re evaluate the relationship or rather, the person. You know more about them now. I don’t think you necessarily blame them or want to hold them accountable, but you now know they don’t step up when things are tough.

What you may not know, is what else was going on for them at the time. People don’t always understand themselves even. Sometimes an old loss or trauma resurfaces which makes it harder for them to be there for you. And sometimes they are just selfish gits. We never really know!

Yes OP. I've kept the friendship but seen this side to them now.

I thought about cutting them off completely but after 22 years of friendship decided long term I might regret it. So now I rely on other friends and in the meantime they have stepped up a bit better. But I don't see the same way for being selfish and not showing up.

I think I would look at the reasons why. Have they generally been there for me in my life, except for this one time? Was there something else going in their life that made them less available? Was there something about the thing I was struggling with that was triggering for them, which meant they found it hard to be around that particular thing? I would take these things into consideration before passing judgement.

Yes I would wonder what was going on for them at the time, were they facing their own struggles?

If it’s someone whose company you enjoy and whose opinion you value, I’d give them the benefit of the doubt. Some people just don’t know what to do. With others, you don’t know what else they’re going through. I’m part of a friendship group where one person has a miscarriage and was open about it and how upset she was. I know she didn’t feel supported by a couple of the others in our group at the time but she also wasn’t aware that one of those had just suffered her third miscarriage in two years and another was undergoing IVF. They felt for her but weren’t in a position to give her as much support as she felt they should.

I think it depends on how frequently you need their support. There are two people in my immediate family who are constantly either “exhausted and ill” or having some kind of crisis and I’m tired of both of them. They ask about my life as an afterthought or in the build up to requesting something. It’s tiresome.

There’s so many variables. Did they know you needed support, how often do you need support. Do you also support them? A lot of factors would determine my decision.

What @PurpleCoo, @Lostearrings and @Overtheatlantic said.

This

@PrizedPickledPopcorn I agree that reevaluating the relationship is a sensible approach. My DH’s family (parents and siblings) don’t step up for us in crises (death of a parent, illness, etc.) I was v. hurt the first time it happened but then I reevaluated and realized that there’s no point expecting something that they’re just not going to give. I have close friends who are there for me instead.

It’s also a good life lesson to behave differently yourself if someone turns to you for support.

I have a friend who would probably say I did this. I became frustrated with her getting into scrapes of her own making and wanting endless support and sympathy. What broke it for me was her getting done for drink driving and trying to make excuses for it. Her adult ND daughter, who is rather a madam, had got drunk and had a row with her BF and called friend demanding a lift home. Daughter can be verbally abusive when she doesn't get what she wants, and/or threatens self harm. Friend knew she was over the limit and drove anyway, then expected sympathy when she got caught and banned and how horrid the judge was not to recognise she's a poor single mum and a carer. I had to say I'm sorry, I can't support you with this situation, because I can't bear to see you setting yourself on fire to keep her warm any more, and not recognising that you risk harming others in the process. She was very angry for a while, but after having some therapy, we've been able to move on from it.

I don't ever respect friends who ghost though. If someone has a problem with something I've said or done, or doesn't feel able to offer support at a difficult time because of their own stuff, then be an adult and communicate. Disappearing then wanting to reconnect when convenient is cowardly.