Friend or foe?

[jackflaps]

A friend that you met when you were very young, who you met through an old boyfriend that was physically abusive and they knew he’d been abusive to a girlfriend before.
The excuse being that her husband was very good friends with him so she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
A friend that you spent a lot of time with over the years, you were her bridesmaid etc but as you get older you question whether this is really a true friendship based on the past.

would you forget the past and continue the friendship or class them as not a friend?

How old were you when you met?

Do you still like her and enjoy her company? That's the best reason for staying friends.

22

I do which is why it’s difficult but I’ve been in therapy and it’s thrown up a lot of questions

What did you expect/want from her? What exactly is she responsible for? (I'm sure that you've been through that in counselling).

For her to tell me that the guy I was about to get into a relationship with / get engaged to had been abusive in the past

Would you have believed her? Would you have dumped him?

Yes

and even if I hadn’t, I’d like to think as a decent human I’d tell somebody if I knew that and at least let them make their own decision

It's a really tricky one because yes, you'd understandably want her to tell you but no, I don't think most of us would believe information without concrete undeniable proof. And even in the event of undeniable proof being available, most of us don't believe things like that about the person we are in love with and try to come up with a rational reason to excuse past behaviour. It's just human nature.
Ultimately, your friend is not responsible for your ex and based on your ages at the time (I didn't make the best decisions in my youth either) and the fact that she's been (presumably) a good friend to you over the years, I'd not rush to end the friendship.

My best friend used to be my school bully. She's been apologising to me for that for the last 30 years. Unnecessary because I've long moved on from that and certainly can't even remember any details of the offences that she still feels guilty about.

So she’s essentially saying maintaining her and her DH’s relationship with your ex was a priority over warning you (her friend) about getting into a relationship with an abuser? It’s an odd excuse...
maybe she thought you wouldn’t believe her but that’s not what she’s saying. I’d pull back personally. Not sure she’s someone you can trust to come through for you.

That’s a big ask from a friend you met through him. Cut her some slack.

As someone who told (at great risk to myself), wasn’t believed , got dropped and then got 10 years later “why didn’t you properly tell me?”…. YABU.

Also, did she know the exact/full details , or a watered down version from her then bf?

wow I’m quite shocked at these responses, this is why I asked though, I like to get different views
I must admit, I thought it was a no brainer that you’d warn someone about an abusive man

She knew
When I told her he’d hit me she said “oh he always had a temper, he did the same to XYZ”

Would you have believed her?

I think of Mel B when she got together and with Stephen Belafonte. I remember reading a tell all from his ex girlfriend saying he was abusive and had a suspended sentence for domestic violence, Mel knew but still married him.

I understand it's a complicated issue, that has deep roots and far reaching branches. I hope you find peace, with or without your friend.

I think when you’re 22, you’re not yet really friends (if you met through him) then I don't think it’s a no-brainer.

Absolutely. If she said to me “he beat his ex up” I’d have listened.