AIBU?

[mummy4029]

Me and my sons father split when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I'll be honest and say I fell pregnant early on in our relationship but together we decided to keep the baby, a month later he left me and I made the decision to go forward with the pregnancy regardless as I was happy to be pregnant and have always wanted children. Throughout my entire pregnancy he was emotionally abusive and I ended up being referred to an IDVA who advised me not to put him on the bc, he originally was banned from the hospital and not allowed to come to the birth. I ended up allowing him to come as my son was born 3 weeks early due to placenta complications. My sons father has only ever contributed £80 towards our child and that was a week after he was born. He also has substance abuse issues and I wasnt aware of the severity until after I became pregnant as he started doing it in front of me after I had asked him not too. He was actually made to leave the hospital by the midwives the day after my son was born via c section as they thought he was going through withdrawal and they did an ss referral. I ended up having to kick him out of my house 2 days post partum due to him not helping with our son, laughing in my face at me crying, mocking me and making comments like is it just your hormones or are you really that stupid? His mum turned up at my door unannounced the next day to try and make excuses for his behaviour which I had none of. Shortly after I registered my sons birth, choose the name I wanted, gave him my surname and chose not to put his dad on the bc down to advice given by my IDVA and ss. Up until last year I kept in contact with my sons dad, showing him the odd photo or telling him how appointments went and we saw him twice before I decided to cut all contact as it was really affecting my mental health. He also pushed me into mediation and during my initial phone call with our mediator I told her all about the abuse and child welfare concerns from ss and was basically told not good enough hes his dad he has rights. I spoke with my IDVA and a lawyer and they both said I was well withing my rights not to do mediation and that I should stick my ground and let a judge decide if hes a fit parent. A week later I recieved another call from mediation saying it wasnt going forward but my sons father would be looking into getting a paternity test so he can try and parental responsibility and put on the bc. That's where I currently am now just waiting to see what happens. Am I being unreasonable for keeping my sons father away?

You’re doing all the right things by seeking legal advice and speaking with social services etc.

If you were really backs into a corner you could always suggest a contact centre for them seeing each other and regular drug testing.

You're not being unreasonable for keeping him away, not at all. But as a father he does have rights. Not putting him on the birth cert only delays the inevitable. He will almost certainly be given some form of contact, so be mentally prepared for that

Hopefully the authorities who have evidence of his abuse can suggest supervised contact only. If he turns up there under the influence it will be logged. And he won't get further than supervised.. Wonder how long he will keep that up? Claim cms. A judge won't base this on money =contact but would be interested in why he hasn't been supporting his dc..

I did apply for cms but after 3 months of waiting for him to pay the dna test fee he asked for via them, I closed it as clearly it wasnt a priority for him

I have been advised itll probably be supervised visitation he ends up getting which I have made peace with because at least I know my son is in a safe controlled environment with someone else present and not at his dads house where drugs could be present

Actually, at this point he has no rights because he was not married to you and is not on the birth certificate. He’s going to have to take it to court. Do you think he has the motivation to do so?

That's what my understanding was as well so when the mediator said that I was thinking no he actually currently has no rights. Hes a very money driven person and works near enough every day, I would be surprised if he took that much time off work to go through court proceedings but on the chance he does, im nervous as hes a very charming manipulative person who only sees things from his view. I do have evidence of my dv referral, the ss referral, a photo he sent me of an email he recieved from the police asking him to come in and get his caution. I also screenshot the messages he would send me which include him saying I dont know what hes capable of doing/thinking, him saying hes nuts, him telling me he has 4 drug charges, him belittling everything I did and also rather offensive comments hes made regarding a certain group of people

You weren’t married. He’s not on the birth certificate. In order to be granted access to your son he has to go to court and it’s a long haul. Does he have the motivation and finances and wherewithal do that ?!
doesn’t sound like it
keep yourself and your child away from him as long as you can. He sounds truly awful.

If he has the money / motivation and sees it through to court then yes he’ll likely get shared care. But that’s a long time away and I would keep him away until ordered by the judge tbh.

You have admitted that you chose to get pregnant early in the relationship which seems unfair to your previous partner who you have chosen not to put on birth certificate.
It seems that he is trying to make some effort in moving forward.
He has every right to want his paternity confirmed and his mum is likely to be upset and acting in the best interest of all.
Your baby needs all the love and support he can get.
I hope his father gets support with his addiction.

Unfortunately I dont believe in picking and choosing when to be a parent. I stepped up, he didnt. Hes had ample opportunities to show me hes prepared and capable of looking after a child and every time its been throwing back in my face. Ive spent thousands of pounds and hes spent £80 because hed rather choose drugs. I made it very clear to him he can either step up or walk away and he chose neither. He chose to emotionally abuse me and make no effort to try and resolve his issues. In terms of his mum, let's just say the apple doesnt fall far from the tree that woman has made no effort to get her son the help he needs and chooses to ignore it

This.
It's important that child's father has contact with his child.
Need to be fair. OP chose to become pregnant early in relationship and obviously planned.

He is awful. I love my son more than anything and my family have been nothing but supportive and welcoming of my little boy. He has truly bought so much joy into our lives. I mourn the fact hes currently not able to have 2 parents but a stable safe environment is worth more than putting him in an unsafe position because of the choices his dad has made

You chose to become a parent OP, you admit that you wanted children.
Was your ex boyfriend part of that?
I would be interested to know.
Addiction is an illness and I hope he gets the help he needs.
Too many times, women blame and shame errant men when in reality, those men have been tricked.
He has made an effort and commitment to get paternity confirmed.
Re his mum, how can you be sure of what she has /hasn't done?
You have only met her once.
I am not saying that your ex partner is without some blame but it's very important to be fair.
In my experience of MN, the man always gets thrown to the wolves.

As I said at the start of my post we made the decision together to keep the baby, in fact he begged me too as he didnt want to in the future think oh I could have a however many years old child now. He knew I wasnt on birth control and yes a silly choice from the both of us was made. Ive held my hands up and said we werent careful and equal to blame but thats not how he sees it. I know addiction is an illness and I tried many times to help him with it but you cant helo someone who doesnt want to be helped. He hasnt made the commitment of getting a paternity test, hes asked for one and not paid the fees. Ive met his mum plenty of times and have had sit down conversations with her regarding his addiction and shes claimed hes clean when I know he wasnt as hed done it in front of me. I know when it comes to making a baby it takes 2 to tango but to beg me to keep his child and then make the choices he has to abuse me, not contribute towards his child, make no effort to help look after his child even though he always would say to me I will do anything for him just say the word and I'll make it happen for him. Hes also older than me and was raised by a single mother, he knows the hardship she would have faced, he knows how it feels to grow up without his dad and he still chose to throw every opportunity I gave him to be a decent father back in my face. Now im not perfect but I know that im doing everything I can to be a good mum