Black DD (8) exposed to racist language at school – advice please

[AmyJahabee]

Hi all,
Im looking for some advice and perspective from other parents, particularly those with Black children.
My daughter is 8. Last night, just before bed, she asked me what the “N word” means. When I asked where she’d heard it, she told me a boy in her class said it while standing next to her and her friend, and another child then called him out for saying it.
She had absolutely no idea what the word meant. I explained, in an age-appropriate way, that it’s a racist slur used to hurt and degrade Black people. Since then, she’s been upset.
I feel shaken that she’s been exposed to this at 8 years old. On one hand, I know children sometimes repeat things without understanding. On the other, this isn’t just “rude language” it’s a word with a deeply painful history. I can’t stop thinking about what this means in terms of what she may face as she gets older.
For those with older Black children, when did you start having more direct conversations about racism? Is 8 already late? How worried should I be at this stage?
I’d really value honest experiences. I want to protect her, but I also don’t want to frighten her unnecessarily.
I have emailed the class teacher to raise my concerns.
Thank you

My children have been told about slavery, racism, and about the N word and why we never, ever use it.
The youngest is 7.
I think the discussions started around Black History Month.
I think 7 is about right to start.
Also I think its a personal choice- this was ours, it might not be right for you.

I’m answering this as a child rearing question, because of a mistake I made with my (white) DC. I was so keen to make sure they never bullied anyone and were always polite and kind, that I accidentally taught them to be seriously upset by other people’s nastiness. As I started to see the impact it had, I adjusted it and taught them how to have boundaries that protected them from other people’s nastiness. That someone who would say that horrible thing was someone whose opinion we don’t care about.

Your Dc needs to know the history of the word, along with all the good stuff and the bad stuff- in age appropriate ways. What she needs most of all is to be confident and secure in who she is, and to know that other people’s nastiness is their shame not hers. People show themselves up for ignorant shits, sometimes.

Sorry to hear this happened to your daughter and I would expect the school to take this very seriously indeed. Our eldest was accused of saying this word to another classmate and school called us immediately and investigated. The witnesses all said she didn't say this at all, which didn't surprise me, not least because she didn't actually know this word and didn't even know what school meant when she was asked had she used 'the N word'. Of course we then had to try to explain it all to her. She was about 8 or 9 at the time so it sounds like that is the sort of age children might hear it at school, sadly. I hope the school deal with it quickly, I have to say I was impressed with how our school dealt with it even though the accusation was against my own child.

Very sorry for your DD. Report it and make a fuss.

I'd urge you to get this moved to the Black MNers forum because on here you may be told that Jamie Foxx and assorted rap stars use the word, so everybody can.

We had this at our school, probably around year 4. (Then again in year 5). School took it seriously and did a lot of work with a child who had used the word, away from class.
I would have preferred the school did not expose the children to the word at all, but they did include it in their lesson to let them know why the incident of someone in the class using it was unacceptable & some background learning on racism.

This meant all the year group knew the word which lead to a second incident a year later.
School will take it really seriously but I’m not sure if there is really a positive outcome. It seemed to cause some tension and an awkward divide that was never there before. I’m not sure our school handled it well - or if there is a good way it can be handled. But they’ll investigate & probably follow a protocol.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this, OP. Your dd should not have to learn about this stuff. Please do report the behaviour to the school and ask them what they will do to address the issue.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I am from a mixed White and Asian family. I struggle with these questions. We live in a very predominantly white area and friends' children have experienced exactly this at a similar age to your child.

DS experiences anxiety about his skin colour a bit differently due to Autism. I got this book as a conversation starter https://www.amazon.co.uk/racism-Lift-Flap-Questions-Answers/dp/1474995799/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=2GIP9F53EWTEK&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.eXhzYyuAxQ2e4evHZ8uFykoPnaqcW66ONm3AFxF6TPqUpOs2Zl4-jNG5UifcwN4y_DmL32AkXpuzICqi_0kx8I0Gl_QwTc1ZvGqo-bYCTXOW_Tj3W3daJM3okaiXFoCJa9vx8vPI7uRI7ShNaIsrNcrYzADeHR2l9Gn_R6enmRDlA_XG8VFEdlbYNYfk69aJ-ymRWCzvw5oskriMACXU6w.xtj3Kv5xWWFkFXKj89HILNG2GWuHkcCnCS4X4o6gUlI&dib_tag=se&keywords=what+is+racism+children+book&qid=1772291438&sprefix=what+is+ra%2Caps%2C334&sr=8-1

We started very early on with our kids but we're in the US.

That said, time to have those talks.

I'd urge you to get this moved to the Black MNers forum because on here you may be told that Jamie Foxx and assorted rap stars use the word, so everybody can.

I think this is good advice.

I’m sorry you and your family have experienced this. I’ve always told my children that you never say that word and the reasons why. Then during one conversation they told me that a girl in his class had called a black child in her class that word. I asked what happened, and he said she was told off very badly. I said good and rightfully so. Unfortunately racism is on the rise thanks to reform and the flag shaggers thinking it’s totally ok now to be openly racist and undoubtedly children will hear their parents talking and repeat things.
Obviously the school need to be informed and all the children need to be spoken to very seriously.

It’s never too late.

I am Jewish. Alongside teaching my children about their religion and culture, I drip-fed them with learning about antisemitism and the Holocaust from about 5y old. They began learning about racism even earlier, because my pre-schooler asked me questions about his black classmates at nursery. Just as their learning about antisemitism began with learning about being Jewish in a positive way, their learning about racism began with learning about equality and diversity.

When it came to teaching my dc about racial or religious slurs, I used the actual words. I would also explain the contexts in which some may be considered acceptable, and that it’s not up to one group (eg Jewish people) to decide what is acceptable to another group (eg black people).

It is important to learn these things.

When one of my dc was ‘dirty Jewed’ and ‘Sieg Heiled’ by classmates in Y8, he ignored them and reported to his Head of Year. The School came down so hard on the perpetrators - who turned out not to have any idea what they were doing! They thought it was just a funny insult for Jews, equivalent to ‘dirty boy’.

Whatever our ethnic origin, we owe it to our dc to explicitly teach the slurs. If our children don’t recognise them, how will they know what a healthy boundary is and how to protect it? How will they know how to behave respectfully themselves?

it’s not too late. Go ahead and teach your dc about the positives as well as the negatives.

Popping back to add, that must have been really upsetting for you, I’m sorry. First time through I was focusing on your question and your DD. But that was hard for you too.

Also Jewish. And also started talking about it around age 5. So when my daughter was bullied for being Jewish at age 9 she knew it was wrong and knew she should tell me. I’m so sorry this happened, but it sounds like you are being proactive with the school. They should take this very seriously indeed.

There are loads of amazing books for children - the mighty girl website is wonderful and you can find age appropriate, positive options as well as more serious books.

Report it to the school etc and see what they say

But as a pp said, your DD needs to retaliate rather than passively not replying.

What kind of shit should she put up with? Some kid calling her that??

No. Just no.

My sons are mixed white/indian, ds1 was 5 the first time we had to talk about it when he was called a slur. There have been lots of conversations since.

he now has a black girlfriend, which apparently the racists really don’t like, report to the school. It really is heartbreaking to deal with isn’t it.

The school should report incidences of racism to the Local Authority so please do report it to them and make sure that they follow it up. This should be treated extremely seriously by the school.

Well done @PrizedPickledPopcornfor all that whitesplaining.

It is a horrible experience @OP,as a black woman with three children, it is painful. And sadly those who are have not experienced systemic historical oppression will try to quickly silence you with their thin and paltry experiences of being the only X in China/ Tanzania etc; they might also gaslight you into you being the problem, that your frustration and anger is disproportionate to the incident, and therefore you (and your blackness) are the problem. They’ve never had any problems before or the other one black kid in the school / club/ church has never said anything. Well, we know what is being said at home at the perpetrator’s house, what jokes are being said on a Friday night after a few drinks, what is being said after poor parking or driving and seeing the black car owner. You get my drift? If it happens again, find out the parents and specifically speak to them alone. You don’t need an audience and they will turn it on you and start to cry and say that you are aggressive . Yep, I’ve been there already. Speak to them and tell them where you stand on the insult and how it affects your daughter. And they will bring about a change out of sheer shame. You don’t need to move school, that is what they want. Explain to your daughter that she is black, and she is loved exactly how she is. Her blackness was part of God’s plan, and others will always have a problem with her skin colour. Remind her everyday that she is beautiful, and that there are thousands of young and old black men and women who also have to go through this, along with our Jewish brothers and sisters. We won’t go away, and we won’t give up thriving.

you can do it. You know that you can and you have to.

If you’re referring to my post, I didn’t mean to retaliate. I meant to know, thoroughly, that other people’s words are about them and who they are. I’d taught them that bullying is appalling and a terrible thing (it is), when what they needed was to be tefloned against the little shits that throw slurs and insults around. Not to give them any power, or take on what they heard, but to recognise them as pathetic losers trying to bug themselves up. They may have pushed back as well. That was separate from learning not to be shocked by other people’s nastiness because your mum had groomed you to be a little sweetheart. More fool me.

Thank you everyone for your responses,

I grew up in Africa and didn’t experience racism personally, so I never felt “less than” because of my skin colour. my children are born in the UK, now that we live in a predominantly white area in the UK, I do want to make sure my children understand what racism is and how to respond if they encounter it.

At the same time, I worry about them feeling singled out or internalising the idea that they’re somehow “less than” because of their skin colour. I want to approach this in a way that empowers her, builds pride in who she is, and gives her tools to deal with unfair behaviour without frightening her or making her feel burdened.

Can you please share simple responses you’ve helped your children prepare in advance?
thank you

I'm white, and I'm not sure how to advise but just wanted to say I'm really sorry that happened to your DD, and I hope the school deal with it appropriately.

This is so sad, OP. I'm sorry your child has experienced this.

I hope you raise it with the school, I'm sure they'll take it seriously.

Bypass the class teacher and get straight on the phone to the head on Monday morning. Racist incidents have to be recorded and reported to the local authority. Ask DD for the boy’s name so you can give it to the head. This needs to be dealt with seriously and quickly.

Im a white male who grew up in a very racist area in the 70s and 80s

Firstly this child definitely knew what they were saying was wrong.

Secondly, explain, as you have that this is a word to put people down with and is completely wrong to say these days, thankfully. Also tell her that some black people use the word between themselves to lesson it's impact, but that most black and white and in fact all people consider it a nasty word that shouldn't be used.

I would also explain that everyone is different. Some are tall, some short. They come in all shapes and sizes and colours and that to pick on what someone looks like is wrong and what that boy said was wrong.

I would also be in to school Monday and nicely kick right off...he knew, he knew

Please don't bypass the teacher completely.
By this I don't mean don't go to the head etc.
But if they are not aware of this happening they won't know to look out for it.

You are not ‘less than’! The bullies who chose to make other people feel small in order to feel big themselves, they are ‘less than’. They are the small-minded idiots.

Having grown up in an African country, embedded within a black culture, you must have so much history and culture to offer your dc. Do not diminish yourself.

I'm white and just wanted to say what on earth is wrong with the 17% who think YABU? I think I started to have age appropriate discussions about racism with my child when they were about 6 or 7, I really wanted them to know how utterly wrong and profoundly hurtful this sort of language is.