Stepson causing stress in our relationship

[InspiringSiren]

Not actually stepson!

Tldr; we have custody of his brother, 16 nearly 17 and he's causing real issues, feel fobbed off by everyone

My partner lived with his dad and stepmum from a young age, his bio mum is an addict but he had supervised contact with her and when he was about 15 his brother was born, he wasn't automatically taken at birth. I think he got taken just after he turned 1.

His brother is now 16 and he's not diagnosed with anything but if she took drugs whilst pregnant/if she breastfed I think that could've had an affect. He didn't get so lucky with foster carers, with him being young I'm not sure why they didn't have him adopted instead but I'm sure they had their reasons. He had about 4 foster homes in total, the last one was when he was 12 broke down due to issues that weren't his fault (they had given up fostering) and he briefly moved to a new set of carers and ran away and went missing overnight he was found by a dog walker (he was hiding in some woods) freezing but still adamant he wasn't going back, he said he’d rather die.

The carers then ended it as they couldn't be sure they could keep him safe and from running away again and he was taken to a childrens home. I was living with DP at the time and in the end we agreed to foster him, it was being pushed to dp quite a bit as we/dp are his only family and I feel dp may have felt slightly guilty in a way as although his mum is an addict, he had a stable home with his dad but his brother didn't have that choice.

Dp did most the caring for him and I think the first few years pulled us into a false sense of security as we had no problems really, he did need dp with him to sit with him so he could fall asleep for a few years and a lot of reassurance but apart from that it was fine, there was no behaviour issues and he was happy, dp spent plenty of time with him 1:1 and he began calling him dad which was never forced

When he was 14 I gave birth to our son, it was an unplanned pregnancy but that's when issues started, he began to wet the bed (it started when I was pregnant actually I think) obviously concerned we took him to the gp etc and it was ruled there was nothing medically going on like a UTI and it did seem a lot like attention seeking as dp would change his bed and reassure him. We also stayed with dp’s dad as there was a housing issue and during that time he didn't wet the bed once but as soon as we were back into our own house he would so it did seem like it was on purpose

We didn't shout and perhaps we (dp) were too soft as he never changed his owl bed or washed his own clothes or anything. We got a referral to camhs, useless. We then got him couselling via gaming but still he wouldn't engage, he clearly doesn't have a lot of trust in anyone

His behaviour also worsened at school and he was refusing to go, we asked for help but we received non from anyone, we have asked many many times if they suspect anything else because at the very least there is attachment issues but we've been fobbed off. I feel like they think it's us and we are to blame as he was fine when he came here

He drinks whatever he gets his hands on etc, we barely see him during the day as he's in his room.
Our child is now 2, and he's obsessed with him being taken away, if he has a tantrum he tells him he's going to be taken away which we have told him to stop as it also makes the tantrum worse and it's a horrible thing to say

He has no real friends but he hangs around with boys that cause trouble locally and are into drugs etc. Last night he was brought home by police as he was throwing stones with them they aren't taking it further but have said they will if he's there again

Partner snapped at him for the first time and shouted at him that he's not going to abandon him but he won't be able to stop the police arresting him if he carries on

I'm exhausted, I haven't included everything as this post is very long but it's causing us real stress and issues. He's 17 soon and while he isn't the size of a grown man I'm still worried about his behaviour esculating especially as he's shown violence in the past and a few nights ago he grabbed the cat by his neck (he said to hold him) which we obviously told him to stop straight away

OP that’s so tough. Do you think he’s open to help?

If he is then I would go back to the GP and say he needs mental health support.

I agree that whilst things like wetting the bed shouldn’t be shamed, he should be encouraged to strip his own sheets put them in the wash and then make his own bed. It should be neutral and not a big deal but not responded to with lots of attention.

It is hard as he is at an age where he doesn’t need your permission to go out really. Is there anything he’s interested in? Could you get him into a club/sport/hobby?

I don't think he would accept help as he has little trust in anyone and I've started thinking why did I agree to this

I agree about not shaming him even though I am certain it's about control/attention from dp as he doesn't seem embarrassed how an almost 17yo would be if it was an “accident”. It isn't every night anymore but it is still often and dp still changes his bed even after ive said surely he's older enough to do it himself. His room is also a tip in other ways with empty Pepsi cans etc all over the floor and his excuse is its his roomso we cant tell him what to do

just For reassurance my 17 year old sons
room is a tip too, he wouldn’t lift a finger if we didn’t make him (and to be honest we don’t make him do much) . This kids been through the wringer, would he get a part time job to keep him busy and give him some confidence etc? Box some sheets up and show him how to put a wash in as a start x

No one wets the bed on purpose, ever!

You say he drinks whatever he gets his hands on… I’m assuming you mean alcohol. The nights he drinks alcohol could be the nights he bed wets. He’s comatose. Also Pepsi is a diuretic so these won’t help either.

Was he drinking either alcohol or copious amount of Pepsi whilst at your Dads?

Just keep reassuring him that he’s part of the family, he’ll settle down over the next few years and he’ll be eternally grateful you and DP were there for him.

You’ve done a nice / great thing for a young lad that had no one. Ride the wave. Good luck.

He wasn't drinking alcohol at 14 when he started wetting the bed and he hadn't wet for the 2 years previously. It only started when I was pregnant / had baby but if we're on holiday or something it doesn't happen

Initially, we took him to the gp and they tested for a uti and also diabetes but both were normal. It feels like a way to get dp's attention

He enjoys gaming and tbh that's the only thing he does. He used to love drawing and he’d make his own comics but he just isn't interested anymore

Bump

Hi Op,

This sounds really tough.

I saw this article the other day and your post made me think of it - especially when you mentioned he hangs around with druggy crowd.

Could it be possible he’s using Ketamine?

www.theguardian.com/society/2026/feb/18/ketamine-addiction-making-teenagers-wet-the-bed-uk-first-specialist-clinic

As the above poster says, I’m sure he wouldn’t be wetting the bed to spite you - it must be a physical or psychological cause.

how’s his relationship with your DH?

Trauma can make children/ young adults wet the bed at times.
You falling pregnant and having a baby will cause lots of mixed up emotions, including demanding his brothers attention, reassurance he isnt forgotten about. However he could also be concerned about the baby being taken away like he was, repeatedly, reliving the trauma.
As a foster carer we have had a raft of strange situations which actually when broken down comes from their trauma/chaotic lifestyle.
I know he isnt willing to engage with professionals, we often have this issue, but have you contacted SS? They often have a therapeutic service who can offer support and insight to yourselves . He should have the same opportunities as someone fostered but not by family.
Dont assume he can control everything and its choices . Weve had children who will.do something unexpected with no reasoning and understanding as to why they would and that is when weve found the therapy really useful to help us understand.
Fingers crossed for you all x x

At 16 he is old enough to wash his own bed.
No stigma attached to that,of course. Teach him how to be more independent as soon he will want to leave.

Help him shop and cook healthy meals, how to manage his budget and help him to learn to drive.
Once your SBIL is happily learning some skills, your both should insist that your home is alcohol free.

He is below drinking age and you should just help him by not drinking.
Keep trying to get professional assistance and engage with employment officers.

Does he like any trades?

I don't know if he could be using any drugs himself self as the bedwetting started at 14 and he wasn't hanging around with that group then as during that time he only left the house to go to school and with dp/us

They do have a good relationship and he calls dp dad and they used to do a lot together like play on the playstation, watch films, go bowling etc etc and he often would open up when they were on his PlayStation but he now has a PC and doesn't want him in his room and dp works long hours and he obviously wants to spend time with our toddler too at weekends