Gi and me. Did I get it all wrong?

[GreatJoyForAnotherDay]

So this is a bit of a weird one. 12 years ago I had my first baby around the same time as Giovanna Fletcher. I wasn't really aware who she was but I saw that wedding video and then followed her on instagram as we were expecting babies around the same time.

In the following couple of years I became a SAHM to my son for a few years as DH's more senior job involved a lot of travel and my job involved a commute to London which was no longer possible with a baby.

Meanwhile over this time she started to become famous with first her book then her podcast Happy Mum Happy Baby. The premise of these were about how much your life changes with a child. Yet her Instagram used to constantly show her at events, parties, writing books, travelling to watch McFly. Although she always seemed a decent person and someone who I'd like to be friends with, I used to feel this irrational RAGE towards her. The fact she was writing these parenting books for people like me when I was with my baby ALL DAY EVERY DAY rarely ever going out and her life still seemed like so much fun. She had no clue what it was actually like. How could she speak for me? At one point I even got so crazy as to try and track her likely hours spent with her child versus mine! Clearly all day every day with a baby/ toddler wasnt good for me and looking back I can see this was insane. Anyway I used to console myself with the fact that at least I was putting in so much time and energy with my baby/toddler, never sharing him on social media nor using stories of him to make money. I would have the last laugh!

Anyway I recently saw a video where she is now celebrating 10 years of the Happy Mum Happy Baby podcast. It talks about how many mums she has helped in this time which I have no doubt is correct. She still seems to be loving life and that DS now performs on a West end stage. Meanwhile my DS is wonderful but unhappy, he's really struggled with the transition to secondary and he's quite lonely all day at school. He only has one good friend in his school and noone in his class. He feels like he's invisible by the world and although I've been back at work for a number of years I don't have a career as such.

I think I was always brought up to think that the amount of time and effort you put into something would largely correlate to success but I'm now realising this doesn't happen when it comes to bringing up kids. Every decision I made for years was with my kids at the forefront whereas she made hers with launching her career front and centre. But ultimately she's done something brilliant and her kids must be so proud of her. Mine wouldn't feel the same.

AIBU now to think that Gi had the right idea not me? When it comes to raising kids less is probably more and I got it all wrong prioritising them above all else?

This is why comparison is a thief of joy OP. But you couldn’t have lived a similar life to her, she has a completely different set of circumstances. Not everyone can become an influencer.

It’s not a case of whether she was right and you were wrong. It’s your life and you have your own journey to follow. Social media can be useful of it can be destructive for mental health reasons.

Please try not to compare your life to the life she portrays through social media. It is very likely that she paints a wonderful picture of her life so the rest of the world are envious and buy her book to be more like her. Her reality will be much different - even if she goes out as much as she portrays, that will have a left her missing important milestones in her kids’ lives and will have affected their closeness and bond no matter what she peddles on Instagram.

You’ve dedicated your life to a very lucky boy, secondary school is always a big transition and he will get there, make friends and find his place in the world and he will do it all safe and secure that his mum loves him and gave up a lot to make sure he had the happiest childhood possible!

This is quite an obsessive story.
Did you miss the fact that by doing a podcast and writing books that she was actually a working mum? Yet you stalked her to tot up how much time she spent with her children vs you as some sort of crazy metric?

The amount of effort you put into something never directly correlated to success, some people try very hard and are just shit at things.

I don’t even think you can say you out your children at the forefront and she put her career front and centre. You have no idea what her life is like, what her priorities are or anything else.
Not sure why you think you can be in competition with a total stranger?

You need to let it go.

Nonsense. Why do some women feel the need to do this? She’s missed milestones and therefore has sacrificed the bond and closeness with her children?
Why be downright nasty to someone else’s mothering in order to feel better?

Some people don’t want to hear it but some people do just have a much better life. Her podcast and writing probably allows her to work at a greatly reduced schedule, probably largely from home and be incredibly present in her children’s lives all while having a nice home, a handsome husband, shit loads of money in the bank and a career for herself. You don’t need to take away from someone to make your own life feel better.

This is a really weird story. And it shows that time isn’t the only thing kids need. If this super obsessive side shows in your life then it will affect your son. Stop following this woman and focus on your one life.

Excuse me? I didn’t put anyone down, I cautioned the OP against taking Instagram as an accurate depiction of someone’s reality. Also, the likelihood is that constantly travelling to follow her husband round the world and partying and having a full on career and social media presence took time away from her being with her children. That’s just a fact.

This is why social media is so dangerous 😳 you're a grown woman and you're comparing your life to a celebrity mum based on her Instagram posts! It's weirdly obsessive and unhealthy.

Thanks for the responses. It's a good point that I've managed to be there for all the milestones and I wouldn't swap that for the world.

I'm not obsessive I promise although I probably was a bit back then in the toddler years. I think I just really wanted someone who understood how much life had changed and although she kept saying it had and even wrote a book about it, it didn't reflect my reality.

I have barely thought of her in the intervening years but something caught my eye about this anniversary episode and just made me reflect on it all and how things turned out for each of us since (probably not helped by DS having such a bad time recently!)

You say she "started to become famous" but she has never been a normal average woman, not since her teens. She went to Sylvia Young/Rose Bruford and was acting alongside Tom Hiddleston in her early 20s. That's how she met a famous boyfriend in the first place. It comes with its own challenges (but also with the money for a nanny).

Agree and I’m not sure her dc are as happy in themselves as you seem to believe. In fact I think she has been open about some of the difficulties. The eldest is already performing too.

It does sound an obsessive tbh. They will have staff like a nanny, PA, housekeeper etc and of course unlimited funds. we could all do lovely things like write books and do podcasts (if we wanted to) if we had this level of support and money to fund it all.
Also you don’t actually truly know what goes on in her house. Are her DCs all NT, happy and doing well at school? I did read something I’m sure it was her, that one of their DS has PDA or some kind of school avoidance?
She does sound very down to earth I think and quite normal with the usual DC issues so I don’t think you’ve got it wrong OP.

I thought this was a post about your gastrointestinal tract, which would probably be more interesting than Giovanna Fletcher.

You seem to think that it’s very black and white and that she, by having a successful career, didn’t prioritise her kids as much as you did. I don’t believe that’s true for a second. I mean, I have little idea who she is but you can absolutely prioritise your children and have them at the front and centre of your world AND make decisions which give you a successful career. She hasn’t put less effort into being a parent than you have.

This does sound a bit disturbing op.,please stop focusing on this woman.

I think this is the point I'm trying to make and what I'm seeing now. And if I had my time again how I would do things differently. Back then I mistakenly thought "time served" and day to day effort "hours focused" equated to being a better and more successful parent. But with hindsight actually I think I would have done better for my kids by focusing on myself and being a better role model.

I honestly dont have any type of obsession with her - she just represents someone for me who was in the same stage of parenting at that time and I was critical of her parenting choices but with retrospect I now think that I think she had it right!

I don’t think it is good for you and others to compare yourself to celebs . And as we all know social media usually only portrays a snapshot of someone’s lives and what they edit / want us to see . Even if it is ; “warts and all “ - as surely it won’t portray all the awful bits .

I think a lot of us would be ( more ) amazing parents if we were able to farm out the boring / difficult bits .

I would certainly love for someone to do the food prep / cooking and the nagging / chivying to get kids moving / to bed / dressed / showered etc , etc .

I think the problem is when we farm out the bad bits we will inevitably lose some of the good bits , with our kids too .We can only do our best with our own circumstances and have bills to pay / rent / mortgage etc .

A lot of us will find the juggling of career / relationships / kids impossible to get everything right . I know I do . I can beat myself up for unwise choices I made re my career etc . others may have other things that don’t think they got right . We will all feel that mum / parental guilt because we can’t do all aspects perfectly .

None of us are perfect and neither are our children . We all have our own quirks / weaknesses / strengths .

I don’t really know that celeb , but if both she and her father are from the entertainment fields , it is more likely that her children may follow in these footsteps and perhaps have more confidence / have contacts / money to throw at it . We also know that the children who follow in these footsteps may have nepo baby accusations thrown at them and it won’t always end well .

So please don’t beat yourself up . Take the wins that you can, when you can . Take care .

I’m not sure where you are getting her children are happy, I’m sure she has a child that refuses to go to school and she has been open about this.
Just think tho, you said your dc is unhappy, imagine being unhappy but your mum plastering all of your issues over social media.
I don’t know her DS personally but I know personal info about him because she refuses to keep it confidential. I for one would not envy her poor DS’s life

At 11/12 it's too early to tell how your DC will turn out. Personally I wouldn't want my child on the stage at that age (while being completely aware what a great achievement it is) and Gi's fame is not all positive, there's no privacy for one thing. Enjoy your own life, and take ownership of your decisions and their consequences. No path in life is without negatives.

I don’t think you can say with any certainty that if you had done things differently your child would be different now. At the end of the day you’ve done what you thought was best at the time and nobody knows whether doing anything differently would have had different outcomes for you. It’s the age old nature vs nurture argument.

I’m sure there are plenty of examples of all scenarios with working/non working parents with children turning out with and without issues.

Parenting goes a long way, but children are born with their own personality, strengths and weaknesses. Two people could parent in exactly the same way and have two completely different children. What's to say your DC wouldn't have struggled even more without having you home as much? What's to say that you would have managed well in a career and not ended up burning out and having poor mental health and worse outcomes? You will never know, so having regrets and getting yourself down thinking you did it wrong is pointless. Maybe you did exactly what was right for your family.