to "dump" a friend

[redwhiteandblue]

am a regular mnetter but have namechanged because I feel a bit pathetic posting, like a 15 year old. But it's really bugging me
An old and (I thought) very close friend from uni lives near me. I have two small dds she has three dcs - all roughly the same age. When we moved to same area I was chuffed and thought we'd see a lot of each other and she certainly made chuffed noises too.
But recently we hardly ever see each other. Whenever I call/text to see if she's about she either isn't or - more often I just hear nothing for days. I'd have thought, as you all may tell me, that she is trying to dump me and I am being thick about it but then I bumped into her the other day and she was all over me, so pleased to see me etc, etc, we must put a date in the diary to get girls together and she sounded/behaved completely genuinely.
So I said I'd text her later with some dates I'm around (I work pt so not about that much). Texted and she never got back to me. Three days later I called, saying shall we try to fix something up before we all go away for the summer. Radio silence.
She's always been a little bit like this, ie flaky, tendency to blow you out at last minute when she can't be bothered. But for some reason this is really bugging me. Basically I feel like I'm stalking her and I would rather just throw in the towel and not contact her any more (though I'd miss her) then forever be trying to arrange to meet up and feeling humiliated when she doesn't reply. But then I will inevitably bump into her, we have friends in common so I will see her around and it will all be very odd to not make "we only live down the road from each other why don't we meet up" noises
Anyway, as I said, I know I sound a bit teenage but am very down generally at the moment and would really love to be seeing more of old friends - not to vent but just to be cheered up, so I guess I'm extra sensitive to these issues. Anyway, what do wise mnetters think?

maybe she has ishoooos Seriously though, maybe she has stuff going on at home? So when it seems she cant be bothered then maybe she has to deal with things or is feeling shitty?

I would feel the same as you, and it might well be that she has moved on. I have a friend like this, my best friend from school,it took me a long time but i have distanced myself. This woman did nothing whatsoever for my self esteem and basically only wanted to spend time with me when her other, more trendy friends, weren't around.

If she is a good friend, you could ask her outright, look, you often seem distant, have i done something, have you got some problems? You can always talk to me, bla bla bla - balls in her court then.

how long have you both been in the area? was she there first? did she have her kids first? i wonder if she has a very full week - school run etc that fills her time?

if so, she may well have her time mapped out and is not very flexible - would she be free to go out in the evenings? I guess if that is the case she has just moved on a bit - she may still like you very much so stay polite as you are going to bump in to each other, or have kids at the same school etc

lucyellensmum is right IMO, ask her if you have done something, I bet she says no. She is prob so busy with her DC's especially if she has 3. Don't dwell on her, some people are better at coping with things and maybe she doesn't want to sound miserable if she has stuff going on in her life.

Can't you go out without the kids just you two? Isn't it hard to talk with kids around anyway?

maybe she's just a bit crap with getting organised. I am .

if someone texts me and says, "let's go out nest week" I think, "yeah, brilliant" and then time catches up with me and it's nest week already and we never go and I feel crap. but if someone says "let's do lunch on weds at 12.30" I'll either confirm or make a new date then and there.

Stay polite but stop bothering. It's never worth having a big 'honest' scene with people: the one on the receiving end feels backed into a corner and may well say hurtful things that he/she doesn't mean, and there's no real going back, whereas if you just leave it then you may well be able to pick up the friendship again later.
She's probably just too busy and finds time gets away from her, there may come a point when she has more time and you can be friends again, but that won't happen so easily if there's been the big 'Friend! You have been a Bad Friend and I hereby Spurn You' type scene.

Oh I have friends like this. Known one in particular since we were kids. I've since moved but am home regularly. DD just turned two a couple of weeks ago so it's practiaclly 2 years to the day that she's seen her!

Now we still keep in contact etc, she's just home from a year in Oz and before she got back I had all the usual "Oh we should meet up when I'm back and you're home!" texts and I thought "oh lovely". Was talking to another friend about her the other day. Will be down home week after next and said it might be nice to meet up with friend A (let's call her 'Flakey') and friend B (let's call her... Jane) said "yeahhhhh......" and I said by meet up I mean we'll walk down the street, bump into Flakey, do all the noises, arrange to meet up at the weekend, she'll cancel and we'll move on with our lives for another six months safe in the knowledge that we're all still friends but just not that friendly any more because we're all older now and have moved on with our lives...

I'd say take it as it comes. If you meet her you do, and if you don't you don't. I'm sure your life is just fine with or without her, she doesn't complete you but it's nice that she's around.

well she made you feel as tho she genuinely wanted to cathup, and you have reciprocated and tried to organise soemthing, before it goes on too long again.

tbh I would leave it now. Evenif shehas issues, as an old friend, and also if she was a worthwhile freind, she should/could just say it's difficult for me at the moment.

thats the least she could say/do imo.

don't beat yourself up.

yo have tried . If you se her out again, just say hi and that. Just leave it at that tho. If she says it again, just say, yes yada yada, give me a call.

then see what happens.

I was in a similar situation with my friend. I got into quite a state - totally paranoid and completely down on myself (I was in a bad place generally). I had a chat with her and she was really gobsmacked I felt the way I did. I'm glad I brought it up as she is a really good friend and I'd have missed her loads if I'd not talked to her again (as I was tempted to do).

My friend is just like that - she doesn't actually think of inviting me out/organising stuff, but on the other hand I can be a bit behind with that stuff when I'm busy too.

I second LEM's advice - ask her outright. At least you'll know. And if she is trying to dump you (which I doubt) - well, it's her loss!

I agree with madamez (and LOL at 'Friend! You have been a Bad Friend and I hereby Spurn You').

redwhite - ask yourself this: if you weren't a bit down at the moment, would this be playing on your mind? If the answer's 'no', then just leave it. Don't contact her, but be polite and friendly if you see her or if she contacts you. Meanwhile, try to get out there and make some other mates (easier said than done when you're feeling down, I know).

I have a couple of friends like this but I just let them contact me when they 'eventually' can. I just concentrate on my regular friends as I know the lesser spotted ones still care, they just don't keep in contact as regularly.

You're not being silly as it can niggle away if you let it. I really wouldn't bother confronting her about it but that's up to you at the end of the day?

Thanks for your brilliant words so far. Very reassuring to know others have felt niggled by similar situations. I can't believe how much this is getting to me.
Basically, I'm pretty sure that she has any ishoos either with herself or with me - we have enough mutual friends that I'd have heard if she did. Nor can I believe that I've been harassing her, we're talking a text a week or so not every couple of days. Nor is she that caught up in the school run etc, she has a smallish baby which I would normally think was a good excuse but she doesn't work and has a full-time nanny (!) so she's got half the work load of every other mum I know.
But as I said before, she's always had a tendency to be like this. When she worked she used to be incredibly rude if you called her in the office when she was busy ie no "I'm busy" slam. Ring tone. Rather than "Sorry, it's not a good time I'll call you back" which is what everyone else would have done. I guess we're different, I put an incredibly high priority on friends, perhaps she doesn't. I know she's offended others recently by not rsvping to party invitations etc so I am by no means alone.
My main problem is how to deal with it. I tend to agree with those who say don't confront because I don't think there is a subtext I'm missing and we may end up with kids at school together and it would be hideous to go through the next however many years embarrassed at the big fall out. But you've helped me decide I'll no longer pursue things and therefore salvage some pride. Still, it's sad because she was one of my - say - top five friends for 15 years or so and in answer to your good question, policy, I think however I was feeling right now I'd still be freaked out. Amazing how much your friends mean to you (or do to me, anyway), you don't realise it usually because they don't give you the same grief dhs or dcs do but they can upset you just as much on occasion

RW&B, Try not to take it to heart. I get like this when I get stressed or depressed;-I cut myself off from the world. Maybe this has happened to her. If she really didnt like you she'd make it more obvious I think.

If I were you i'd give her some space and wait for her to surface

Oh, I know how upsetting it can be to fall out with friends, or to feel less close to them than you once did.

I was LOLing at madamez's comment about spurning because I've been on the other end of that scenario (ie, I've had a friend tell me to piss off because she thought I wasn't paying her enough attention). I was upset when I realised how much I'd upset her, and I was also upset to lose her friendship. But, on the other hand, I quickly realised that there would always have been some tension in our friendship, because she would always be expecting me to call her several times a week, and I would always be mutely resisting because that's not how I 'do' friendship. Years later, we can see each other and have a friendly chat without any problems. but I don't think we'll ever be close again.

Maybe this is how it is with you and this woman - nothing wrong with how either of you approach friendship, but just a fundamental difference in approach?

Mind you, her phone manner does sound shocking!

Could it simply be that she has lived a long time without you regularly in her life, has a full schedule, and other friends she has commitments with and adding you to her scenario simply would be too much?

Before I moved home, I would meet up with my old friends (2 other women with kids) on every visit. But, prior to moving here, I was under no illusion that I am not in any way part of their daily lives, and I could not just expect to be "in" with them all the time. I dont rely on them for my social life. We see eachother every couple of weeks, and that is fine. I would not dream of contacting them every few days.

I always assume my friends are busy with their busy lives when they don't contact me for a while. Perhaps I should assume differently.

i would def be very annoyed with someone who just put the phone down on me.

flakey PLUS rude, I can't stand.

i think starlight is on to something

if you see her you could say 'do you want a quick coffee now?' rather than make a plan for the future - that way she says yes or says where she is going - at least then you dont feel so in the dark

Thanks ladies
Have been cheered by your words. The issue wasn't so much is/isn't she a friend because I think deep down she is but what to do with someone so unreliable. I can't do the "let's just go and have coffee no" thing, or very rarely because I'm at work most of the time so my days off are a good chance to catch up but if we don't make a definite plan at least a day or so in advance I will end up seeing other friends instead.
Think this is the nub of the matter, she has all the time in the world to do so and doesn't realise that I don't and so have to be more organised. Aha, a wohm vs sahm split!

You know what, I think that if you want to see somebody, you make time. Soooo, she's probably not that bothered about meeting up. Maybe the dcs don't get on, whatever. I had a friendship that was really over, but I found it hard to 'let go'. Then I just did - too embarrassing to keep leaving messages, analysing what she said, responding to 'let's meet up' stuff, and it's been a year now. I genuinely don't miss her, and other friendships have taken over. Look to the people you see at the school gates/playgroup/next door and move on. No need to confront or deliberately spurn. just be polite when you see her and don't ask if she's free. We are all capable of being flakey but my other friends and I go weeks without calling and nobody feels like you do. Let it go!

ah - i thought you were both at home a lot. Yes, I think you are right. She may also have made lots of new friends at play groups etc so has had a chance to talk it all through, so she doesnt feel such a need to meet up with you. I thikn thats one reason why some mums dont go out som much in the pm - they get lots of social life in the day.

If you are getting in touch a lot with text messages (and once a week does seem quite a bit to me tbh ) and she doesn't respond, I wouldn't spend too much time analysing why, just stop sending them for a bit and see what happens. It may be you are destined just to bump into each other and do the 'we must meet up' thing, you may find she comes back to you after a while or she may just invite you over once a year for a big bash with loads of other people. With friendship, I think you have to take what's offered really, even if you would like things to be different. I have friends who don't like using the telephone, or don't call when they are depressed. Naturally I see and speak to them less than others, but I think there's usually a place for both types in your social life. When I'm feeling down, I call only old friends who I know won't mind me going on, or failing that, my mum!

I had a "friend" like this who I was always trying to meet up with but every date I suggested she was seeing her mum - !! Yet every time we bumped into each other she was all over me, happy to see me, insistent that we MUST get together. In the end I just got fed up of contacting her so I left it and acted the same way as her and when she suggested getting together instead of me saying I'd call her I told her to call me! She never did but I wasn't expecting her to. It's such a shame when some people seem to ahve so many friends and other people prefer just the odd one or two good friends. I'm the latter but the couple I have like to be popular with everyone so I hardly see them. It mattered when my kids were young and at home but now dd3 is at school fulltime I don't care so much. It did make life tough though for those first 10 years of having young ones at home - it's not nice to feel like you're being rejected by someone you thought was a good friend and you can only make so many allowances. I actually find the ones who you make the most allowances for NEVER make any allowances for you at all. Keep trying to meet other people.