Parenting

[TwinMumnew]

i have had the worst few months with my twins who are 3.5 years old. Their behaviour is getting worse and worse and today I totally snapped. I literally screamed at them for the whole car journey home after a massive melt down coming out of soft play and I screamed that I hated them and didn’t love them. They’ve give you nursery now and I feel physically sick about what I said. I am so so regretful of this and I’m terrified about the impact it might have had. I’m literally going out of my mind with guilt !!!!!

OP, sounds like you need some help. In managing your children and in managing your temper.

Where is the dad in all this?

Have you apologised to them both?

Dad works long hours and I don’t have any help at all

Yes, straight away but I feel terrible of course

I do think you need to have a conversation with them. My 3.5 year old wouldn’t have forgotten something like this.
We have all lost our temper at times when we are tired and stressed but you can’t address them having a melt down with you having a meltdown. And resorting to saying you hate them and you don’t love them is extreme.
Whats your schedule like with them?
Is it possible this more than a one off and something you seriously need to address?

We have a great schedule, we have a very close and very loving relationship, but things have just been out of control recently and I just snapped. I’m never like this, I just literally felt like I was going to explode , I’ve been calm and patient and trying to manage melt down after melt down after melt down and I just snapped. I love them more than anything in this world and I know what I said was awful and extreme and hence I just feel absolutely dreadful. Coughing down the minutes before I collect them and give them a big cuddle. I’m in bits over this morning

Counting down **

I meant in terms of the load, do you work, is there any time carved out for you etc.
Twins is tough going and sometimes things get on top of us! Think about whether this is a symptom that your DH needs to contribute more.

I think it’s important to have a grown up conversation though, it’s good for children to see people talking accountability and modelling that behaviour. Tell them we all get tiered and worked up and we can say things we don’t mean because we aren’t calm but that you love them and you’re sorry.

I work yes, I dont get anytime for me. Husband works all the hours under the sun I do the full day to day parenting alone really. Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. I’m waiting outside nursery now will have a long chat if they will listen when we get home .

Bloody hell. They aren't going to forget that and you've tapped into their absolute worst fear as they know subconsciously that they can't survive without you caring for them, so you absolutely have to address what you said and also think about why it's happened and how to prevent it happening again. Are you anxious/depressed in general? Might be worth a GP trip if so.

Some very judgemental responses here. Yes you regret what you've done but any person here judging too harshly should know there's no such thing as a perfect parent. Look up "rupture and repair" by psychotherapist Phillipa Perry. It goes over how in relationships ruptures are sometimes unavoidable (and it sounds like you had a moment of extreme overwhelm) but that repairs, attempts to be open and honest anr apologise can actually bring you closer. You snapped, said things you dont mean, obviously love them, had "big" feelings and will do better in future. But dont use this as a stick to beat yourself with OP. Practice self compassion as twins are so hard!

Use this was a wake up call. You need more support and time for yourself. Talk to your partner and have contingencies for melt downs. Parenting twins is hard.

Thanks so much . Really appreciate that comment. Totally honest and non judgemental . Means the world . Just to add things are absolutely fine now. I told the twins I was sorry, they were genuinely not upset or anxious at all and when I said do you know why mummy was angry they couldn’t remember when I was angry. We had a lovely evening. Twins are so so hard your right !.

So lovely to hear things are better this evening, OP. Parenting is a wild ride. Next time you feel the urge to have a go at yourself imagine what you would say to a friend if they had a moment of overwhelm in an extremely overwhelming situation, and im sure (guilty of this myself!) you'd be a lot more compassionate to them than you were to yourself in this situation! All the best x