Shallow school gate friendships

[Applesanpears]

AIBU to think mums school gate ‘friendship groups’ can be anything other the shallow? I have a set of mums who I meet for coffee, our kids started at primary together and now much older The only type of conversation we seem to have is which holidays everyone has been on/going on, grades, subject choices. It’s always the same conversation.. AIBU to think it’s possible to have more meaningful conversation's/relationships , or is this the nature of the school gate?

It's possible, sure, but very rare.

These are friendships of convenience; you are at the same place and time regularly because your children attend the same class. You socialise not because you have interests and values in common but because of the familiarity of seeing each other daily.

Over time a deeper friendship can arise - a couple of friends from NCT and school gate years are still very good friends of mine after over 20 years - but the vast majority were just transient friends while our children overlapped.

@Applesanpears I’ve made a lot of great friends through my kids school, you have to maybe stay deeper convos

I couldnt be arsed on a mums coffee meet up if someone starting asking if i believed free will truly exists.

I was in a position to help out on a school trip once and it was a 1.5 hr coach journey, they seated me next to a dad I’d never spoken to before. I thought it would be mega awkward but actually we really got on and talked the whole way there. It wasn’t boring small talk about kids either for the most part. For a short while after he’d also come and chat to me if I was ever at pick up (my DC are often in breakfast and afterschool clubs). But then he started turning up with his wife and she was frosty as hell, I’d greet both of them and she would pull me a dagger. He then stopped talking to me all together.

Super weird but hey ho, guess she was jealous. Haven’t had that ‘connection’ with any of the mums because they always just want to chat about shallow things as you say. One mum started going into her traumatic birth story with me which I definitely didn’t ask for. Others just want to discuss class teachers and school events.

I have a small number of ‘mum’ friends - think 4. We never ever talk without touching on deeper, bigger issues than school/ holidays or whatever. They’re great really, I feel lucky.

Of course you can- some of my best friends started out as school gate friends. But it tends to happen more when you start seeing people in smaller groups or one to one. If you're only doing great big meet ups for coffee people inevitably keep it light.

I agree with above, it’s easier in small groups. Some of my closest friends have started off as school mums. We’ve been through births, deaths, divorce and been a big support to each other.

It depends what your definition of a friendship is.

You could say the same about work friendships, they tend to be based on work and shared experiences in the job.

Doing the same thing as someone or being in the same demographic as someone doesn't mean the friendship is going to be a deep one. But it also doesn't mean its shallow.

We all go through life having different friends for different phases.

Like others have said deeper conversations usually happen o a 121 basis if you want deeper conversations invite someone to your home for coffee. Nobody is going to have a deep conversation infront of a group of people in a public place

The school stuff is what you have in common so naturally that's mainly what you talk about. At work you mainly talk about work with your acquaintances there. One or two people you may get into more a friendship but most remain just mum's you chat to at the school gate and see at playdates and birthday parties. It is what it is.

I don’t think having a group of “shallow conversation” friends is a bad thing. They serve a purpose- you have something in common with them that you don’t with anyone else in your life, so obviously you’re going to talk about that thing - your kids, school friendship groups, the teachers, school stuff. It can be pleasant enough. Then you’ve got your real friends and your family to talk about more personal stuff with. You might click with one or two of them and it might become a deeper friendship, it might not, but if it doesn’t it’s still nice to have some familiar people to have lighthearted chats about your kids’ school stuff with

I think a lot of friendships are surface level. My own relationship with my Dad is (the only response to how are you is good kind of thing). A deep conversation to them is against their social norms…

I met my best friend at the school gates about 9 years ago so yes it’s possible! We have deep, meaningful conversations

Agree with this. Invite them to stuff other than kids stuff, coffee out.

I’m not usually there for drop off or pick up, but when I am I can’t say we’ve really talked about school. A group of us often go to the playground one day a week, then sometimes the cafe/pub after. Our conversations differ each time, but it’s rarely about the children or school. We often meet up for a drink without the children too. It probably won’t last forever, but a lot of friendships don’t. It’s fun for now.

Very interesting responses! I have tried to have 121s but it’s like speed dating they are all having 121s with other mums so you don’t know if it’s because they want to actually build a relationship with you or just because everyone else is doing it.

These threads come up quite a lot, and one thing that always seems to be missing is the sense that the OP really likes any of the other mums. This isn't a criticism at all - I totally get wanting to make real friends. But I would be interested to know whether you're just trying to organise speculative one to one meetups with the other mums to see if you get on well, OP, or whether you really feel you have a strong affinity with any of them? i.e. when you say 'you don't know if they want to build a relationship with you', do you genuinely want to build a relationship with them specifically, or do you just want to build some relationships in general? And how many 'deep' friendships do you normally expect to have at any one time?

I have both shallow and deeper friendships with colleagues, people from sports clubs, and parents I met at nursery pickups, but the 'deep' ones have mostly tended to be the ones where I (and the other person) knew pretty much from the outset that we wanted to get to know each other better.

😂 Just imagine that!

OP, of course you can make deeper friendships. BUT mum friends tend to be friendships of convenience, not really because you get along necessarily.

From my daughter's primary school (she left last year), I am still in contact and see one mum quite regularly. Most of the others I would stop and have a chat with if I saw them, but not much else. I would still have struggled without them while DD was there, for arranging play dates, school information, emergency lifts, and just general chat.

But that's ok. Some friendships are like that and run their course, some develop into something. Both have their benefits and uses. If you want closer friendships then work for it, make the effort and dig deeper. If not, then don't and just take them at face value. Not everyone has to be your BFF to be "worth" being friendly with.