Not enough support or acknowledgment for family of people with depression

[Rowley456]

AIBU to sometimes think this?

I'm probably going to get flamed here but I see so much empathy and support online for people with depression which is great but IMO I really feel there is a lack of acknowledgement and support for the people that have to be around them all the time? Its fecking tough, I'm not going to lie. Their mental health always seems to take precedent like a wet blanket covering everything. You wake up on the weekend in a good mood?: doesn't matter, You are excited and planning a future event or day out?; doesn't matter, You try and make the effort to understand them and lift the mood in the house? Might as well not bother.
I have witnessed first hand how horrible it can be for the person who is depressed but I think it is inherently a very selfish condition and some people deal with this better than others. I am well aware that mood is not something that is in their control but at times I do think that the way they handle it and relate to others who are not depressed is often an issue and can have such a detrimental impact upon the people that have to be around them through no fault of their own. We struggle too. I just wish it was acknowledged more....

It's very complex.

My sister suffered/ suffers with depression since her late teens.
It shaped our family life. My parents focused on supporting her and shaped their lives around it.
I also suffered/ suffer from depression and mental health issues. But I didn't receive any support because all their attention was focused on her and they had nothing left over.
Our whole family was dysfunctional.
And I'm sure there are many families the same.

It sounds very tough and I have friends who have supported partners through depression and know how much it impacted them.

What do you think would help you and how could you best communicate that to others?

You are right about so much but I think selfish is an unfair word, we wouldn't say that about a physical disease. Mental health deserves the same respect. My grandmother had severe depression. She was a completely different person pre and post condition. I could never call her selfish though and yes she didn't handle it well. We were exhausted from her care and so worried about her but I know she would never have wanted this version of her to define her final years. It just did.

That saying you are completely right about the support for people around those who suffer and it sounds like you have been through a lot. I dont know if there are any supports out there now but there should be.

You also dont deserve to be flamed as you said in your post. You sound like you are wearied xxx

So, I have been both the child of a depressed patient and depressed myself and I agree it's rough for family and friends also.

But I'm horrified that you describe it as selfish. That implies a choice that just isn't there. Also worth remembering that guilt and low self esteem are symptoms and your comment there might worsen that for anyone depressed reading this. Then there's suicidal thoughts around everyone being better off without you.

The selfish statement was actually said to me by the depressed relative in a moment of reflection. They acknowledged that it was very difficult to see outside of their own self and thoughts and consider others when they were in the depths of depression. I know it sounds very judgmental but wasn't entirely intended that way. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have used that word. In between the periods of compassion and care for the depressed person there is also frustration and anger but obviously we generally try and put their feelings and needs first as they are clearly struggling more.

Yes you are right. It probably was unfair. It gets tough at times not to feels a bit angry and I guess I was venting a little. I hope it doesn't make anyone feel worse tbh.

No not at all, I can completely see why you are hurting so much. Is there any way you can take a step back. Evrrything you are feeling is valid. You must be drained🥰 you need a rest too.

I supported a friend through a bad break up once. She had depression and some other mental health issues before and the break up made her spiral. I let her lean on me, probably more than I should have. The whole thing changed me, it’s like she took all my empathy and I whilst I do support my friends and family now if they’re going through something I also try and keep a bit of distance.

I absolutely agree that there needs to be support for the people giving support. A previous partner has bi polar and sometimes it was so so difficult and hard to speak about it with friends who didn’t understand the condition. I’ve often thought of starting a support group in my area as a kind of respite / venting space where we could all support each other without LTB being thrown around, but I don’t know how to go about it or have the time at the moment.

It really is draining...I've learnt to put boundaries up to an extent to which I don't have to suffer too. Let's face it no one else will look after us, so we need to do what we can to protect our own mental health.