Porn usage in relationship

[hlskj]

Name change. Unsure if I'm being unreasonable or not. Together 8 years, married 3, 2 kids youngest DD 5 months. Sleeping in seperate rooms originally so he could have sleep, he's never returned. He gets up with DD early as opposed to night which I deal with.

Discovered today that DH is using porn daily, if not daily, every second day. Our sex life isn't great, I'd be up for more but with him sleeping in a seperate room not really the opportunity.

I feel slightly icked by the frequency, and annoyed that I'm dealing with DD and he's in there doing what he wants. Also gather from the usage its also been in the AM if he's got up with DD and let me sleep.

Just feel now any time he's behind a closed door I feel a bit sick? Disappearing for a ‘shower’ whilst I'm downstairs with DC ect. When I was in hospital the night before having DD in early labour messaging him, in hospital with her breathing a few months after after being admitted he was watching it.

I haven't had an issue with him watching until I learned the frequency.

I haven't had an issue with him watching until I learned the frequency

Really? So you were happy about him watching women being exploited and abused for his sexual satisfaction?

I think you were being naive if you didn't know how porn use escalates into addiction and destroys relationships.

It sounds as though your H is an addict. Porn is now more important than his real life relationship.

Have you talked to him about his porn use? Have you told him how it is affecting you? Perhaps he might be willing to try and do something about the problem. But he probably will keep on using it and just try and hide it from you. I'm sorry but i don't really see a happy future for your marriage

Not over the moon no, in the past it was brought up and minimised and I almost had a what I don't know attitude, even reading on here people saying if he says he doesn't he's lying and thought I was overreacting.

The last time we spoke was years ago, I did express during pregnancy with my first that it made me insecure given he didn't want to have sex with me (he was freaked out) but was happily watching other people on porn that looked nothing like his heavily pregnant wife. This changed second pregnancy.

To be honest, that's my thinking that he will just get better at hiding it.

Shameful bump

Call me old fashioned, but sleeping in separate bedrooms for long periods isn’t going to help, being separate means one of you has to initiate things and it sounds like neither of you are.

I think most men use porn , and I’d imagine go through phases of uses it as frequently as that. I’d hardly call him a porn addict , porn addicts would be using it multiple times a day. I’m not saying that I condone this behaviour but saying there is no future in your marriage is ludicrous based on this. Lots of men don’t fancy sex when their partner is pregnant , that would not be unusual. You do need to speak to him seeing as this is affecting your sex life though , because that’s an issue that needs addressing

You have more fundamental issues in your marriage to address than the porn. The excessive porn use (if you consider it excessive) is predominantly a consequence rather than a cause. I would focus on working in your relationship, get back to sleeping together, work on your sex life.
But to answer your question most men look at porn to a greater or lesser degree. Incl my DH. It’s naive to think they wouldn’t.

Hello op so sorry you're going through this.
No you absolutely do not have to accept this because "all men look at porn"

I have a no pornography boundary in my marriage chosen equally and happily by my husband. Men are more than capable.

I suggest you get your support in the right places because not everyone is understanding.

Love after porn on reddit is a great support and resource.
I'd reccomend looking into omar minwhalla secret sexual basement
Pam blizzard and jake porter are great sources of wisdom.
Helping couples heal is a wonderful podcast
Pbse is a great podcast too might be worth your partner listening to that one to start with if he is open to it.

Ultimately it doesn't have to be addiction just problematic sexual behaviour but it's detrimental to you marriage. Who feels more cherished or attracted to their partner after they have been secretly lusting over and sexually gratifying themselves over others in a monogamous relationship? Not many I imagine.
I think that's very understandably to not be beneficial to a relationship. Not once have I ever heard a woman describe her perfect partner and list that he must regularly watch pornography because that's such a quality I respect.

You are so valid to feel this way. It is your relationship so it doesn't matter if 3 other women don't mind. It's what you want in your relationship that matters.

For the time being if you feel able to chat to your partner so he knows how this is detrimental to the relationship. If he isn't open and instead is defensive and shameful. Then I would focus on safety and boundaries. what do you need at this time to feel safe at home. It might be that you need him to leave for a while.

If he is open to change or even just hearing pbse podcast or scheduling a free chat with highly reccomended Chris jones therapy. He also does from harm to healing podcast. Then that would be a great start.

I also want to add this is nothing to do with you whilst it feels incredibly personal this is a him issue. He likely did this habitually for years before he even met you. It is not because you are lacking what so ever.

If he was masturbating every other day without the porn, would you have an issue with that?

Because it sounds to me that it’s not the porn itself that bothers you, but the fact that he gets himself off without you.

Realistically - given that you have separate bedrooms and have a different sleep schedule in order to care for your daughter in a way that means you both get some sleep - how often would you want sex with him? Would you want to have sex with him every day, or every other day? You say he’s masturbating while you’re up with DD - I don’t see why that’s a problem, if your arrangement is that you do nights (I assume because he has to get up for work and you don’t?) and he does mornings. Your child is only 5 months old and doesn’t sleep through the night and I assume you’re on mat leave so it’s understandable that you have this schedule, but obviously that’s going have an impact on your sex life and he’s going to need a sexual outlet. Of course he’s going to have a wank. Frankly, I would need to do the same if my DP was in a separate room and wasn’t available for sex because he was getting up with a baby.

If you have a moral / ethical objection to porn, then I don’t think you would think that occasional use was acceptable, to be honest. I think what you’re actually bothered about is that your husband enjoys a wank in his own time.

In short: YANBU if you think porn is a line in the sand that can’t be crossed, but YABU if you think he shouldn’t be masturbating as frequently as he wants during a time when the logistical circumstances of having a young baby mean that you aren’t able to have much sex.

There will be a lot of women on here telling you it's totally normal for men to use porn and anyone who thinks their husband doesn't is naive, and the husband is lying. I don't agree with that.

I wouldn't be with someone who looked at porn now, no. Especially with the abuse that is rife in that industry. And certainly not wanking off to it while you are in hospital, or early in the morning when he's supposed to be looking after your daughter!! I'm sorry to say this but he sounds utterly grim.

There will be loads of woman on soon telling you how their perfect husband NEVER watches porn, and wouldn't even know where to look to find it.

They are very very naive. In the real (non Mumsnet make believe) world, ALL men look at porn occasionally I less they are truly asexual. Also, most women look at it or read it on occasion too.

It's perfectly natural to mastubate, and as long as it's not to the detriment of your real life or relationship, not a problem in any way.

I don't believe porn or masturbation is your problem here. Time for a family meeting to work out why the intimacy has faded and look at making a plan to fix that. And fyi, trying to ban his porn use will not help. He'll just use it secretly like a lot of Mumsnet husbands obviously do.

I don't have an issue with him masturbating, and accepted previously that he did look at porn. Just to discover its every night when he's claiming an early night & disappearing upstairs. I think it's the frequency in which he watches it that bothers me, it's not a once a week thing etc. It's every night. I guess part of me, perhaps wrongly, is frustrated that it's me dealing with everything through the night, exhausted and he's acting like a single man with a full nights sleep & disappearing off to masturbate. He does get up around 6 with DD, our toddler mainly sleeps through. Starting to think it's just my issue.

We did get back to sharing a bed, then DD was ill around three weeks ago for a few nights, broken sleep etc he moved back through to the spare room and has just never returned.

Also I think my annoyance comes from when I was recently in the hospital with DD, admitted to the short stay ward for her breathing and spiked heart rate and to know that he was at home watching it, me dealing with everything at the hospital and him at home not a care in the world. Same with me being in early labour, waiting to get moved to labour suite & again he was watching. Don't know if it's my hormones that's making me irrational it just feels its all he bloody cares about and any opportunity he's got he's jumping at it.

Please trust your gut. You're not irrational at all.
What you describe is textbook addiction. If you was to post this in love after porn reddit or navigating betrayal on facebook. Thousands of women would reply with very similar stories. Death of loved one's, hospital stays, diagnosed with cancer...where are their partners and what are they doing yep they are numbing out with pornography and/or masturbation.

That’s what bothered me when I found out - DNs router logs by the way, not checking his phone.

it was the frequency, occasionally more than once a day - it certainly wasn’t the ‘occasionally’ he told me - I found it a total turn off , so in my case he created a viscious circle- and I wouldn’t care if he wanked every day using written porn or his imagination. Might be a weird way of looking at it on my part but I don’t like him being part of a very exploitative industry with constant pop ups for local hookers, camsites etc - it all feels very grubby

What did you do/say?

I didn't check his phone FYI, I logged onto the laptop and his emails were open and nearly every email was AgeGo verification codes, curiosity got the better of me and seen it was a way to bypass the age verification check to gain access to the sites. I just felt sick at seeing all the emails in front of me and seeing the frequency.

Sorry you've met such shitty men. You have no actual basis for claiming all men look at porn. Even anonymous surveys don't bear that out. There's no need for women to drop their standards here and accept it as normal.

the majority of men must be shitty then because if you look at research studies online all of them show that the majority of men watch porn plus a significant amount of women as well. I’d hazard a guess that out of that vast majority very few are open about it with their wives