DH and I both had hard upbringings. My late dad had health and money troubles, and DH was estranged from his dad for 5 years as a child.
In a way, it’s been useful that we’ve been able to understand each other’s complex histories. We’ve been together 8 years, and now have two young kids, and we’ve managed to carve out a new normal with a well functioning family life, and our senses of humour intact (just about).
We live near my mum, who has some mental health challenges but loves us and the kids and helps where she’s able.
We visit his dad about once every 6 months. And when we do, at best he almost completely ignores me (I don’t think he’s asked me a single question since I met him). But often he’ll say something I can only assume is intended to be inflammatory (for example that he’s ’spending the inheritance’ on first class flights to his holidays).
He seems obsessed with bragging about money. And he’ll often mock us for flying economy on our one holiday a year. It wouldn’t grate as much if he’d been more forthcoming on the rare occasion we’ve asked for help, for example a contribution towards the wedding. He was reluctant and left anything substantive to my mum who’s much less well off.
Warmth and friendliness are far more important to me than money. But those are hard to come by. I’ve tried hard over the years and still try to find things to ask him that he’ll want to talk about (usually his latest holiday). But I have to say I’m struggling. On occasion, he’s been incredibly rude to me (he once threw a menu across the table at a restaurant I chose because he didn’t like it - he apologised after his partner made him but it stuck with me). And I find it hard that he’s never seemed curious about me, my family, my work… anything.
DH says I shouldn’t take it personally because he’s like this with everyone, even him. Which is broadly true. He says having a relationship however flawed is better than not having one. And I don’t want to interfere with that.
But he doesn’t even engage the kids when he sees them - he says hello but then puts on the TV almost immediately when he’s with them.
I want them to have a relationship with him as their only GF. But it feels so masochistic visiting when it makes me feel horrendous every time.
I’m wondering if I should just stop going. DH has half-suggested this, as he says he’s always on tenterhooks that I’ll be offended by something his dad says. But then I think maybe I should swallow my pride and show up. It’s really hard to know.