To be so fucking angry about what my illness has done to my life.

[LondonLady1980]

I hate what my Disability has done to my life.

I grieve for the life I used to l have, I feel so unhappy about the life I currently have because of all the ways my condition affects me and I feel so hopeless about the future.

Chronic conditions are so cruel because I know I can never be cured….. and the fact it’s a hidden disability just makes it even worse because people have no idea how my life and mental health is affected every day. It’s so isolating and exhausting.

I wish I had a punch bag as I am so full of anger and rage and frustration.

Is anyone else in the same boat? I need somebody to be angry with, and who wants to have a rant, scream and swear with me, because I’m so sick of hearing fucking platitudes from people all the time.

I hear you op, I don’t have the energy to feel angry, even emotions feel too much right now, though I think it might be more that I feel utterly hopeless and helpless right now, possibly it’s depression I’m not sure. When I do have a slight glimmer of more energy or less pain, I start to feel hopeful again and want to do or plan things. It could only last a few hours though and something like cooking dinner or showering sucks everything out of me and I’m back to square one again.

I’ve lost my old friends because of my chronic conditions and them not understanding, I can deal with that although it hurt at the time. What I find so upsetting is my side of the family not understanding and literally refusing to engage in talking about my health and conditions. It just gets totally ignored, my own mother never even asks me how I am, and I found out recently from my cousin that she hadn’t even told my Aunty or cousins about my chronic conditions being diagnosed. She talks about old age and her own age related issues non stop, and she’s not speaking to me at the moment because I’m housebound at the moment and not well enough to go to a family gathering at the weekend. Apparently the relative who’s hosting is very disappointed because they haven’t seen me for years. Like I have done this on purpose! The last thing she said to me was well I hope you feel
well enough by Mother’s Day to do something by then! I swear she thinks I’m making it all up and it’s all in my head, which if she bothered to engage in a conversation with me she’d know how many test and scans show physical changes to my body, like Christ, the osteoarthritis in my pelvis from pregnancy even shocked the consultant I saw at St George’s, my dm told an aunt and then told me with glee that the aunt thought I should seek a second opinion from a proper Dr (he was one of the top London consultants I’d been referred to on the NHS!)

Luckily I have a very supportive and understanding dh, I don’t know what I’d do without him