To tell BIL to F off with his judgemental comments?

[silkyfilament]

I have three children from a previous marriage of 13 years. Unfortunately that ended when he buggered off with another woman. I say unfortunately, and I suppose it was for the kids. He did me a massive favour that day though and my life has been infinitely better since.

Today I have five kids. I’m mid to late 40s now and in a solid relationship with the father of my youngest two.

The problem is his brother, who makes constant jibes about me having too many kids, like i’m damaged goods. Over the years I’ve tried to laugh it off or say something self deprecating, but he’s now started a new relationship of two months with a woman with four kids, meaning they now share 5! They are discussing crossing continents to be together (it’s giving grifter vibes to me but that’s another story) so my question is how do I now address the belittling I faced previously and the horrid comments that made me feel less than?
Would IBU to snap back now, or should I just let silence speak for me?

EVERY time.

Say nothing. The opportunity will come, as they talk about their lovely big family, when you'll be able to hold his gaze and silently let him know exactly what you're thinking.

Wait it out... relationship may not even come to anything but I'd be so tempted when around him to count the kids plus him and say 6 kids! One more than me.

I'd tell him it's giving you grifter vibes - he might listen and your relationship could improve if your vibes are correct.

“And would your girlfriend be bringing all of her children with her?” Slightly emphasise “all”

He’s been really judgemental about you, but it sounds like you’re pretty judgmental of her, if it’s her you’re getting ‘grifter vibes’ from.

I’d say nothing, I think.

You’d be a better person than me to not mention it. I’d constantly be making reference to “how many kids?” and “all the kids” every chance I got. It’s too funny not to. He has become what he mocked.

What about, "Can I be really honest with you? It has always kind of hurt my feelings when you've made negative jokes about me having five children. Now that you'll have five children between you and your partner, I'm hoping you'll see that from my point of view, those jokes don't feel great. I'd love you to stop making them. Thanks!"

Why would your partner be tolerating his rude twat of a brother speaking to you like that?
Its not normal for a partner to allow such rudeness.
Definitely repeat to his new partner his rude opinions and ask her is she aware of his views every time you see them.

Neither brother sounds great.

I love this, how kindly it is.

To be fair, wouldn't you get similar vibes, when only two months into a relationship, the woman is coming here to join him with her four children?

@silkyfilament is this a relationship that they've been having in person, or an online thing? And where is she from?

Particularly good if written or said so that his gf is aware what he’s been saying

Say nothing. Keep cordial, but don’t put yourself out to help them unless it suits you.

If it’s doomed to fail, then if you make any remarks, you’ll have effectively given him the reason - and in his mind it’ll be down to women with too many kids….

Revenge is a dish best served cold so bide your time and the perfect moment will present itself!

So he was single and jealous of his brother’s family and trying to run you down to make himself feel better
You have been blessed with five children and have a wonderful life with your new man . He wishes he had what you had. Tell him you always wanted a big family . Don’t let him know he gets to you .

Those poor kids being displaced like that to suit their mothers whim. Not the point of the thread, I know.

I don't think you should tease but you are entitled to ONE omment at least. Bide your time, the moment will come.

Well, either he'll realise that now he lives in a glasshouse, he can't throw stones any more, and so the comments about your 'large family' will have to stop...
...or he won't realise, and will open his big mouth, in which case you will have the perfect comeback.

I would say something about too many kids. But only a few times then let it go.

How did the BiL get away with all the insults over the years? Why didn't OP's dh tell him to shut it? That would be an issue for me.
I don't think making a comment now about his soon to be large family makes sense. I would tell him I needed to get something off my chest, though, and that he's been a total prick for all the insults at me about my kids.

Don't say anything, rise above it.

I would think he is absolutely bonkers to take on someone else's four children like that but I wouldn't say it, not my business.

Great advice

The trouble with the ‘too many kids club’ dig is that it comes off as a dig at his new dp, which a) what’s she done to deserve it & b) if it was a dick move when he did it to you, it’s a dick move to do it to her.

I might smirk silently when he turns up at Xmas with his new rampaging horde though, he’ll feel you doing it.

& if it all goes tits up with Ms I’m Moving Continents With My Brood To Be With You, then every time he starts you can point out that unlike his db, he obviously isn’t enough of a catch for a sensible woman with kids to be interested.

Whatever happens with this relationship, he's now ‘lost’ the game of scoring points off you for having a large family. Job done!

Damaged goods!!

I'd have found it really hard not to tell him to F off to his face if he said that to me.

Why are you still seeing a person whom you clearly dislike? You’re not obliged to spend any time with him you know. Also, he’s been communicating with a woman who lives on a different continent for 5 minutes - it’s hardly a relationship!

This is great.
Then gift them something like a family calendar or organiser so they can keep track of all the kids clubs etc
It’s subtle, but I think gets the point across