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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be kind of hurt by this

10 replies

TheZanyPinkSquid · 25/02/2026 23:38

Frankly, I don’t know if I’m right to feel a bit upset about this, or if I’m just being an entitled drama queen, but I’m pregnant, hormonal, and feeling sorry for myself tonight.

I was born and raised abroad (North African country) with my brother, my mum and my British dad.

I moved to England when I was 19, and my dad moved back to Scotland a few years later, I was happy as it meant I now had family in the UK, and my kids had their granddad around.
I wasn’t very close to my dad growing up, but there was never any animosity between us, we just stopped seeing each other as much when I was a teen after my parents got a divorce, but I thought we had got closer in adulthood, we would speak on the phone to each other a few times a week, etc…

Lately he’s been ignoring my requests to come visit me or for my family and I to come visit him, at first he’d make up excuses, but then he’d just dodge my messages altogether.

Turns out he had moved back to North Africa and lied to me about it! He’d Tell me how cold the weather was in Scotland, and that he was enjoying his snowy walks!

My mum and aunt first spotted him on the street a few months back, my mum asked me about it and I said there was no way it was him and it was probably someone who looked similar. Then, a few days ago, my brother saw him. My mum called him, they met up for coffee and he told her he had been back since October.

He texted me to tell me that the reason he lied to me was because he had fallen out with my mum and brother and swore to himself he wouldn’t tell them he had moved back, so he didn’t tell me either so I wouldn’t tell them/have to lie to them.

Would you be happy with that explanation, or would you be a bit miffed?
I dont mind that he’s moved, it’s obviously his life and his choice, and I told him that it was okay and that I hope he’s having a nice time, but AIBU to be a secretly a bit hurt that he has lied to me?

Thank you

OP posts:
FlakyWasp · 26/02/2026 00:58

so He told you he was still in Scotland when he was in Africa?

TheZanyPinkSquid · 26/02/2026 01:14

Yes correct

OP posts:
Timeforanewgame · 26/02/2026 01:16

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure I've read this a little while back

TheZanyPinkSquid · 26/02/2026 01:19

Timeforanewgame · 26/02/2026 01:16

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure I've read this a little while back

Yes, I posted about being suspicious of him being back as he was evasive and my aunt and mum said they saw him, but he denied it. I lost access to that account so couldn’t update the thread

OP posts:
FancyNewt · 26/02/2026 01:25

That's odd. Do you think he's lying ? Seems odd he says he wouldn't tell you in case you told your mum when he ended up living close enough that he would bump into people. Sounds to me he's not so keen on being a dad or grandad in the way you would like.

CrackInTheGlass · 26/02/2026 01:31

When did your kids last see him also compared to when he dipped out of contact? It’s pretty ridiculous that he’s gone to this length of lying, I can understand why you’re so upset, you thought you had him reasonably nearby as the only family member closest in distance to you. Does your Mum come to visit you and your family? Also can’t believe that he tried to blame it on your mum and then met up with her and revealed it. This sounds like a hugely knotted family situation and I hope you’re doing really well on your own with your own family regardless of this silliness. I’ve found myself that when I had my own family I realised how messed up the “family” I thought I had growing up was and continued to be. Hope you get some answers OP Flowers

TheZanyPinkSquid · 26/02/2026 01:51

FancyNewt · 26/02/2026 01:25

That's odd. Do you think he's lying ? Seems odd he says he wouldn't tell you in case you told your mum when he ended up living close enough that he would bump into people. Sounds to me he's not so keen on being a dad or grandad in the way you would like.

Edited

I did find it odd! I think you’re right about him not being too keen on being involved.

OP posts:
TheZanyPinkSquid · 26/02/2026 01:55

CrackInTheGlass · 26/02/2026 01:31

When did your kids last see him also compared to when he dipped out of contact? It’s pretty ridiculous that he’s gone to this length of lying, I can understand why you’re so upset, you thought you had him reasonably nearby as the only family member closest in distance to you. Does your Mum come to visit you and your family? Also can’t believe that he tried to blame it on your mum and then met up with her and revealed it. This sounds like a hugely knotted family situation and I hope you’re doing really well on your own with your own family regardless of this silliness. I’ve found myself that when I had my own family I realised how messed up the “family” I thought I had growing up was and continued to be. Hope you get some answers OP Flowers

Thank you for your kind words.

My mum comes around once every couple years and I go down around once a year/once every couple years.

It’s often felt like a trio mum/dad/brother, especially when it comes to knowing/planning things. Even when my parents didn’t get along. They sold the family home for example and I was the last one to know, they kept it from me, for some reason, for a year. Also, my brother told me not to tell him or my mother about any problems I had or complain about anything, and when I do visit my mum, if my brother and I fight over something, or if I show sadness and “bring the mood down”, he will tell me to leave and never come back, that I’m not welcome in “his” house, so I do feel isolated a little.

I always put it down to me being the youngest (9 year gap between my and my brother).

My dad last saw the kids around 8 months before he left. He said he wanted to see them more often but was too busy with doctor appointments (he got a hearing implant and his kidney stones removed as well as his eye sight improved)

OP posts:
Absolutelydonewithit · 26/02/2026 06:28

I think I’d feel hurt @TheZanyPinkSquid especially after reading your previous post. Sounds like your brother rules the roost too. Is your relationship fraught? How old are your kids? Unfortunately I think part of life is accepting the family we have, together with all their shortcomings, navigating a way through and building a life/home of your own in spite of it. Some people are luckier than others in the support they have.

It does sound that you’re doing well without support, however much it understandably hurts you.

TheZanyPinkSquid · 26/02/2026 11:51

Absolutelydonewithit · 26/02/2026 06:28

I think I’d feel hurt @TheZanyPinkSquid especially after reading your previous post. Sounds like your brother rules the roost too. Is your relationship fraught? How old are your kids? Unfortunately I think part of life is accepting the family we have, together with all their shortcomings, navigating a way through and building a life/home of your own in spite of it. Some people are luckier than others in the support they have.

It does sound that you’re doing well without support, however much it understandably hurts you.

Thank you for your reply
Yes you’re right, thankfully I don’t rely on them for support and I focus on my kids that make my life feel fuller and less lonely atm

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