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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find messaging in sick at work mortifying?

27 replies

Iwishiwerefromtheshire · 25/02/2026 22:14

Not even calling, I don't even have to do that, but messaging my boss and telling her than I'm off with stress and will be seeing a doctor etc. I find it so embarrassing. Knowing that it's going to cause so much inconvenience at work for everyone and feeling like I've let everyone down. Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
youalright · 25/02/2026 22:23

Yeah i think that's a completely normal feeling that we all feel but it doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong

User79853257976 · 25/02/2026 22:31

I’d only feel guilty if it wasn’t genuine.

XenoBitch · 25/02/2026 22:33

Yes. At the time, only phone calls from the employee was accepted. I once had to call my boss when I was in a psychiatric hospital... and even then I could not say why. I just muttered stuff about "my head". They had me down as off sick for a migraine.

whereswilson · 25/02/2026 22:34

No I don't now. I used to but I've been working for 30 years now. Do you actually have to tell your boss what is wrong though? Is that what you find embarrassing. I just say "I'm not coming to work I am unwell". I remember my friend being coerced into telling her boss why she needed a day off when we were in our 20's. She was having a T.O.P absolutely none of her bosses business.

Malinia · 25/02/2026 22:35

No. I've never found it embarrassing. I don't actually understand why anyone would.

XenoBitch · 25/02/2026 22:35

whereswilson · 25/02/2026 22:34

No I don't now. I used to but I've been working for 30 years now. Do you actually have to tell your boss what is wrong though? Is that what you find embarrassing. I just say "I'm not coming to work I am unwell". I remember my friend being coerced into telling her boss why she needed a day off when we were in our 20's. She was having a T.O.P absolutely none of her bosses business.

No, we had to give the reason. And then it got told to all our colleagues.

Batfemale · 25/02/2026 22:42

I’ve only ever done it a couple of times but yes, I completely agree. Totally mortifying. I just imagine HR sitting there and my manager rolling her eyes (even though she’s lovely, and a great manager). Thankfully I’ve only had two days on sick leave in my working life - one day with Covid, when it got particularly bad, and one day with a vomiting bug a couple of years ago. To be honest, the thought of phoning / messaging to get the day off has probably stopped me taking more!

WhereAreWeNow · 25/02/2026 22:44

Yes, I can relate. I'm intensely private so just feel awkward talking about my health with colleagues. I also have that weird feeling that they might think I'm lying even though I'm not. Like worrying about security staff in a shop thinking you're a shoplifter even though you're not. Or is that just me 🙃

EmeraldShamrock000 · 25/02/2026 22:47

It can be. Mental health is a really personal thing, it is isolating and assumed as weakness to the sufferer. It is embarrassing to discuss for a lot of people.
It is different when it is an illness or injury that could happen to anyone.

Random321 · 25/02/2026 22:53

You should never feel bad for prioritising your health.

Jobs will come and go, can be changed etc. but your health will always come first.

If it's any help to you, I manage a small team of people and fully people, if you need tome off, take it.

I only ever need to know if a person is sick, and how long they expect to be out for (sometimes they may not even know).

I don't need to know the reason. Some people will tell me, some prefer not too. It's none of my business unless it's work related or they require support or changes on their return.

My view is I would much prefer someone to take the time they need, take it sooner rather than later (often waiting too long struggling means people are out longer) and not come back until they are fully ready.

No one know will they will struggle and it's rare for abyone not to have a period of sick leave for a 40 year working life. People don't become bad workers just because they need time off.

Don't worry about work. That's your boss's responsible. Your priority needs to be you.
Take the time. Recover. Only go back when you're up to it.

XenoBitch · 25/02/2026 22:55

EmeraldShamrock000 · 25/02/2026 22:47

It can be. Mental health is a really personal thing, it is isolating and assumed as weakness to the sufferer. It is embarrassing to discuss for a lot of people.
It is different when it is an illness or injury that could happen to anyone.

Also, you can't just give an explanation in one sentence. If your broke your leg, you can say that. Or have something like D&V.
Mental health... what do you say? That was something I always struggled with.

Katrinawaves · 25/02/2026 23:01

I manage quite a large team and it’s literally my job to ensure that when someone is off their essential work gets covered without unduly inconveniencing the rest of the team. It’s also my job to ensure that if someone is sick, whether that’s due to poor physical or mental health, that they are able to take the time they need off and be supported by the company if they choose to share the nature of their absence (eg by OH if it’s stress related and modifications to the role might reduce that).

it’s also of course part of my job to manage absences which are persistent and possibly not genuine - the people who are sick on days they’ve been unable to book annual leave for, regularly sick on Fridays or Mondays, or who have somehow had 6 grandparents pass away requiring compassionate leave for each…

Despite that, my first reaction when someone messages in sick is not to be either annoyed or sceptical and I will genuinely want them to recover as quickly as possible and not worry about work whilst they are off. So unless your manager is showing signs of being annoyed don’t project that on to them as it’s quite likely they are not.

Iwishiwerefromtheshire · 26/02/2026 07:20

Thank you all! Very reassuring to know others feel similar.

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 26/02/2026 07:37

At my job you have to phone your line manager before 8am EVERY DAY that you are sick. Having to put my alarm on to make sure I wake up to phone is soul destroying.

MrsBenevolent · 26/02/2026 08:09

WhereAreWeNow · 25/02/2026 22:44

Yes, I can relate. I'm intensely private so just feel awkward talking about my health with colleagues. I also have that weird feeling that they might think I'm lying even though I'm not. Like worrying about security staff in a shop thinking you're a shoplifter even though you're not. Or is that just me 🙃

Not just you @WhereAreWeNow . Absolutely hate walking out of a small shop without buying anything, I feel so guilty.

If I'm at customs i also suddenly become convinced that I have two kilos of cocaine and a kalasknikov in my carry on 🤔

simpledeer · 26/02/2026 08:11

Malinia · 25/02/2026 22:35

No. I've never found it embarrassing. I don't actually understand why anyone would.

Me neither. Maybe if I were off frequently I would feel differently though?

Mt563 · 26/02/2026 08:26

simpledeer · 26/02/2026 08:11

Me neither. Maybe if I were off frequently I would feel differently though?

There's a stigma around mental health. And speaking from personal experience, I think personal flaws that make my mental health worse also make phoning in with mental health issues horrifically embarrassing and stressful (I'm a prefectionist. I hate to show weakness. I was also brought up that you don't phone in sick ever really and it's hard to kick that sense. Especially for mental health. Even when that has you paralysed with fear and crying in bed)

5128gap · 26/02/2026 09:03

Its not great, no. But it has to be done so you can get paid. Employers have to justify claims for SSP (if you get contractual sick pay your employer claims SSP to offset some of what they pay you) by showing that they went through some form of procedure to ascertain the person is too sick to work. It needs to be sufficiently robust for the employer to show they were diligent. So, while you may feel (needlessly) embarrassed at being unable to work, the notification part is actually helpful to them.

Katrinawaves · 26/02/2026 10:50

Would it help to have a script worked out for mental health conditions which is not hugely revealing along the lines of:

”I am experiencing a particularly stressful period, and am not coping well with this and am unable to work currently. If I am unable to return after 5 days I will provide a Fit Note from my GP”

or

”I’ve had a recurrence of a chronic health condition for which I’ve previously had medical treatment. I am currently unfit for work until my condition stabilises. I will provide a Fit Note if my absence is longer than 5 days”

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 26/02/2026 11:42

It's cringe worthy, yeah. I am off sick today, and I hate messaging, even though I'm literally waiting for surgery for the issue concerned, so it's not trivial in the slightest!

Everywhere I've worked has had a "call in" policy and everyone I've worked with, without fail, has 100% ignored it and just messaged.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 26/02/2026 11:45

We have to phone in and speak to the Director every day we are off sick. 😖

suburburban · 26/02/2026 12:16

Yes I’m the same. Feel guilty even though I am feeling really rotten

ExpatDaughter · 26/02/2026 12:30

do you have to tell them why you were off? where i am (not UK) the employer is not allowed to ask about why you are off. (there are mechanisms in place for when you are going to be long term sick, or need time off etc)

Teenagerantruns · 26/02/2026 12:38

Its werid isn't it? No idea,why l find it stressful im not lying. In the last 10 years l have had 4 days of for covid, l was fine but worked in a care home so any positive test meant staying at home.
2 days off for vomiting in an office job , before work from home was a thing. Still stressed me out.
I blame my mum, with the whole 'if you can get out of bed you can go to school '
Funnily l never judge anyone else who phones in, im sure they dont care if l do

Rudicoolcat · 26/02/2026 13:08

@Katrinawaves has said exactly what I was going to; a script written out in front of you might help with the nerves.