University FOMO – but no real interest in going?

[Wildpotato]

My DD is doing BTECs at Sixth form. She’s worked hard, but if I’m honest she’s had a pretty tough time through secondary school and college socially. She’s never really “found her people” and it’s knocked her confidence more than she lets on.

Sixth form push university very heavily – it’s just the assumed next step. Most conversations seem to be about UCAS, personal statements, open days etc. The thing is… she hasn’t been to a single open day. She doesn’t talk about courses with any real interest. When I ask what she’d want to study, it’s all a bit vague.

What she does talk about is the “uni experience” – living in halls, making loads of friends, the social side of it. I can’t help feeling that’s what she thinks she’s missing out on, especially as she hasn’t had the best time socially so far. Part of me wonders if she sees university as a reset button.

Deep down I suspect she knows it might not actually be for her, at least not right now. She’s never been particularly academic and hasn’t loved classroom learning. I worry about her going because she feels she should, or because everyone else is, rather than because she genuinely wants the course and career path.

I don’t want to squash her if she does decide to go, but equally I don’t want her to end up with debt and feeling overwhelmed just to chase an idea of what uni might be like.

Has anyone been in a similar position? Did your DC go and thrive? Or decide against it and find something that suited them better? I’m trying to tread the line between supporting and gently reality-checking.

Nobody needs to go straight after school anyway. I’m an academic and I’d actually love more students to wait a bit. They’re not often ready at 18/19, they’re still quite immature and struggle to deal with the workload. Also get the straight from A level essays in the first year (which is why the grades don’t count because they’re not very good!).

I find older students write better, they have greater depth to their arguments and they’re also better at handling deeper discussions in seminars.

I think all you can do is tread that line. We can talk them through stuff but it has to be their choice ultimately. I’m in a sort of similar situation and worried like you about a lot of money being spent on something which may or may not work out.

My DH is definitely against him unless she did certain subjects. He worries a lot about the debt she’d incure. He didn’t go to university.

Alongside her BTEC subjects she’s doing an a-level but she’s finding that quite challenging and I worry that academic level writing could be too much for her. But I don’t want to deny her the uni experience experience. I went but found it quite difficult.

Going to university is viewed through rose tinted glasses most of the time.

It may not be for her yet.
Or it may not be for her at all.

But she does need to be 100% sure that she wants to go.
It may be worth looking at apprentiship schemes as they run not only for uni graduates, but for college leavers as well.

This.

I wish I'd waited than go straight to uni after 6th form. I felt pressured to pick a course (and to just go to uni tbh) - but it was the wrong course. I made some wonderful friends in my first year, but ultimately ended up dropping out in my second year because I hated the course and then really, really hated my housemates in my 2nd year (as did the estate agents we rented our house through!)

I suspended the year to give myself some time to sort myself out and figure out what I wanted, but ultimately ended up dropping out and pursuing a career in beauty and makeup. Much nicer and more up my street to be honest.

But I do wish I hadn't been pressured so much by 6th form.

As someone who didn't go to uni I do have an element of "i wish I had that opportunity to grow up, live semi independently and meet people outside of my usual sphere"

Re the debt, yes it's there but I would consider it more a tax to be paid in return for the opportunities that's getting a degree provides...the opportunities that people like me didn't get re jobs, career and people met (network is such an overlooked factor).

I would speak to her and stress that there will be a large debt. That she needs to pick a course which she will do well in AND have the potential to provide a career after. So unlike the person who I ended up managing who thought a degree in dance should open every door for them.

Point out that large numbers of people go to uni and it doesn't automatically lead to employment and also if she does think this is reset, that she needs to be prepared that it doesn't work and she's now miles away from home, living in a shared space with people she might not get on with.

I have two DDs two years apart. The eldest has always known what she wanted, had a gap year then did a four year degree in her chosen field. Freelance, loves it but struggles financially. The youngest has never had it easy, serious mental health issues, crap relationship choices etc. Dropped out at seventeen and had a series of minimum wage jobs. Finally found an employer who gets her and is doing well in her career, earning more than her big sister.

Uni isn’t the only route and there are other ways to a social life. Mine found hers through au pairing and working with other youngsters. She can always go later.

My DD is on a 1-2 ‘gap’ year as we really steered her against going straight from college to University despite getting good grades. The college pushed hard for a bit bit then let it go as the focus shifted to exams. Honestly it’s done her so much good. She does have 3 p/t jobs on the go now plus has a heavy sport commitment which gives her structure and friendships. Shes loved having a break from studying and passed her driving test so has more freedom. Shes had to do a lot more “adulting” dealing with work issues & car issues and this week a tax letter so many things that have forced her to grow her communication skills. Plus taking on more responsibility for her diet & food choices. I’d really encourage it but getting work wasn’t as easy as she’d hoped. She’s kept her weekend job going she’s had since 16, added some more p/t cleaning work as it’s a tough job market out there. It’s teaching her hard graft and when / if she’s chooses University it’s because she will really see the value in it as a career stepping stone.

Thanks everyone. Reading about the job market for graduates and young people in general is quite scary but my dd has had such a rough time with friendships at school, I wonder if she’d pinned her hopes on making new friends at uni but she’s not especially motivated to go. I’ve asked her a few times and I do think she’d prefer to work (assuming she could find something).

What if she takes a gap year and tries to find some experiences where people live and work together? Summer camp staff, cruise ship staff, WWOOF, something that relates to one of her interests. Living abroad as an au pair might also do it. My nephew worked for a large chain of gyms and got the experience of making a big group of friends through that, for example.
Having a job and living in a flatshare in a big university town might also give her a taste of the lifestyle without committing to the debt.
She could also try and make more friends now as there are a lot of online groups. Does she have any interests or belong to any fandoms?

That’s really good advice thank you. She’s into football and works at a gym so maybe that would be a good place to increase her social circle. I have suggested she might want to move to a very student heavy city. We currently live just outside Oxford which is nice but isn’t her vibe. She’s very good with kids so an au pair could be a good shout.

There are so many courses out there that aren’t essay based and she can live away and have that leaving home experience. Whats her area of interest?

FOMO is the last reason someone should go to uni. Schools desperately want to record a positive destination for all their students but there will always be a group for whom uni is not the best choice and a group for whom it is not the right choice NOW. Many schools seem to forget this!

If she’s good with children, would she consider something like this: https://chilternntc.com/traineeships/. It’s a two year paid traineeship in early years education. Close to Reading and the educational requirements are sub-A level.

Does she have any idea what she might want as a career? Does she need a degree?

She hasn’t any idea what she wants to do as a job. She could maybe go into business admin, operations or HR. But hasn’t got a fixed idea of what she wants to do. I think she’s just feeling massively unsettled as everyone seems to have a path and she’s had a really rubbish time with friendships and I wonder if she feels university would give her that.