Buyer alcohol for an alcoholic!

[Grumpynan]

My DD 26 has ocd a bpd and turned to alcohol about a year ago. Her consumption crept up until by Christmas she was drinking a bottle of Scotch a night. She l lives with us and has a partner she has been in a relationship with for about 18 months.

over Christmas she decided that we were right and she really didn’t want to drink anymore. She had been attending a support group via her gp for about 2 months and they have been amazing in helping her. New year she went into rehab. It was hard and she failed with the first attempt. But went back and stuck to it. She is now 7 weeks sober .

she hasn’t been able to see her GF since she went into rehab so about 8 weeks though they phone and ft all the time. This weekend dd felt she could manage to go away for a couple of nights and her GF had the weekend off so they booked. Only somewhere local DD wanted to stay near home we are working on her confidence, infact she is back to work as of last week.

last Wednesday she confessed to me that when she was walking the dog she stopped at the pub and had a scotch. She was so upset, promised it was only one tbh I’m sure it was. We called her sponsors who helped us through the next couple of days and to reset her meds, she still wanted to go away and we felt her GF has been amazing support for her and she would be safe.

on the Friday as they traveled DD told her GF all about the drink, apparently she said all the right things and said let’s just have a lovely weekend. They went out for dinner lovely, on the way back DD said it’s times like this I miss a glass of wine. Apparently (and her GF` Has confirmed this) GF said well 1 won’t hurt and went and bought 2 bottles of wine which they drank that night in the hotel room.

following day same thing, 2 bottles of wine during dinner and another back in the room. Sunday DD dropped GF off before coming home.

i knew straight away something was wrong. DD` told us what had happened, lots of tears, her dad was fuming, I was cross with my DD but I’m in shock over her gf.

I overheard DD` On the phone to her saying she sorry her parents are cross with GF that it was all DD’s fault etc etc. I haven’t said anything, it wasn’t my fault I could hear the conversation DD made no effort to keep her voice down and knew I was in the next room

am I wrong for feeling so cross with the GF am absolutely livid honestly feel that if she walked into my house now I would happily swing for her.

DD is fine, we’ve had help again from her support workers her meds are back on track and she’s now 3 days sober. But I’m totally stuck what todo, DD is and adult, I can’t stop her seeing who she likes.

but what sort of person buys and alcoholic alcohol!

but what sort of person buys and alcoholic alcohol!

Someone who is an alcoholic themselves, and couldn’t spend the evening without a drink of their own, and/or someone abusive who wants to keep them addicted and easily controlled.

The girlfriend is a gateway to acohol, I am sorry but if your daughter wants to recover the relationship needs to end the girlfriend is enabling your daughter to drink.

The girlfriend is borderline alcoholic herself, buying 2 bottles of wine is not normal in itself it says half a bottle (approx 6 units of alcohol) is not enough for late evening (they had already had dinner). Your dd needs to decide herself whether she can cope with a partner hero still is dependent on alcohol and perhaps isn’t wanting her to be teetotal, but all you can do is support her decision, perhaps guiding her without being judgemental. You are doing a great job op

I would say that as an alcoholic, one is responsible for their own choices. If someone offers you a drink, which may happen many times, you have to say no. Or not. But I wouldn't necessarily think the other person was an enabler. Probably more that if they encouraged it they may either be an addict themselves, or just not realise the harm and strength addiction can have.

But you're right it's not a great influence and she should probably only be around sober people at this point.

I think your daughter needs to end the relationship. She will not be able concentrate on her recovery or control her addiction with her in her life.
Either the girlfriend doesn't understand alcoholism or she is alcohol dependent herself and can't cope without it. Possibly both are true.
But regardless of the GF's motivation it isn't in your daughter's best interests to have her in her life currently.

Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, there are a lot of people who struggle with the thought of a person changing for the better and leaving them behind. “What I’m doing is okay as long as you’re doing it with me”. Her girlfriend doesn’t need to be an alcoholic. But they probably are together because your dd’s relationship with alcohol fills a hole for both of them. Everything is safe as long as it all stays the same. Your dd is changing and growing (even with the relapses, she has made amazing progress and is moving in the right direction). It sounds like her girlfriend isn’t coming with her.

It’s totally possible to get back on track. But there are some important lessons to be learnt here: (1) about not rushing into things before she’s ready - the weekend away without her usual support was too much too soon, and (2) the girlfriend isn’t going to support her sobriety. If she wants to stay sober, she’s going to have to be more thoughtful about who she surrounds herself with.

This. Enablers and codependency.

This is why it’s often recommended that people in recovery don’t date for a year. The GF has some reason for having liked addicted DD. And is motivated to keep her in addiction.

This. Is the girlfriend a shit? Yes. Should she have done that? No. Does it sound like GF has her own issue? YES.

BUT, an alcoholic is responsible for their own choices. Part of rehab is usually about dealing with saying no, coping with situations where you may feel pressured, how to deal with cravings. If your daughter is serious about sobriety, she has to realise only SHE can make the choices to stay that way. Those choices should probably now include not being in that relationship.

It isn't possible to know the gfs motivation without asking. BUT your DD is responsible for her own actions.

A lot of people especially younger ones, in my experience just don't get it. They don't get why someone can't 'just have a few drinks' or 'you were never that bad'

The gf could be the most wonderful person in the world, but if DD is to recover and get stronger she can't be with her. They are no longer compatible.

This is going to sound harsh. But the truth of it is meant to be caring.

No one dates an alcoholic with BPD/EUPD and OCD unless there is a reason. A healthy, happy, well-adjusted person who has done their work on themselves and wants a great relationship chooses someone else.

Which means that the GF is scared now that DD is doing the hard work. That's not shitty, that's survival. If DD wants to be successful, she will need to break up.

And the GF may say she also wants to change. But if she wants to do it for DD, it will not work.

There's a reason why AA advises against getting into a relationship when in early recovery - often the relationship is codependent and both parties enable each other. If the gf isn't willing and able to have a weekend away without excessive alcohol consumption then she has problems of her own and is likely also alcohol dependent. If that's the case, she is unlikely to support your daughter in her sobriety.

I would talk to your daughter about how she needs to be supported by those close to her and ask her to think carefully about being in a relationship with someone who is going to undermine her efforts. It really is very serious - drinking a bottle of scotch a day will result in serious health problems in a short period of time, cause irreversible damage and potentially death.

Ultimately, it has to be your daughter's choice to evaluate who is going to help her in this journey. All you can do is be there for her and encourage her to surround herself with people who will support her.

The girlfriend doesn’t have your daughter’s best interests at heart so your daughter should have a think about that.

Regarding the alcohol, drinking it is entirely the responsibility of your daughter and no one else. She could have chosen not to drink but had the wine and that’s on her.

Through her entire life she wi face the challenge of being offered a drink - probably may times from
people who don’t know she’s an alcoholic - so the onus is on her to refuse.

Completely agree. The GF has become used to being the saviour, the one who is strong and stable. She’s losing that role.

I suggest that join a support group for those with alcoholics in the family because they’re very good at explaining what goes on and giving you things to say at times like these.

While the GF has been an idiot here, your daughter did buy herself a drink when out walking the dog. If you’ve been around an alcoholic long enough you will find out they minimise what they’ve drunk. As in lie. OP is just hearing what she wants to hear and I get it. DD has felt guilty and has at least been able to talk to mum, but the chances of a newly sober alcoholic walking into a pub, ordering one drink, and walking out again are slim.
There’s a good chance she had more.
However, being in any relationship at the moment or around friends who are partying is a bad idea. The DD will find it really tough but she’s better off around other young people are sober.
I feel for OP so much. She wants to do everything to help her daughter recover and that’s so admirable. DD already has a lot going on. However, she really needs to get sober because she really wants to, not to please her parents.
All of the above comes from experience, not judgement.

Well it's not great is it but maybe the GF has a drinking problem too. Your daughter needs to realise they are in an unhealthy relationship and end it. I think YABU to just be angry at the GF here, your daughter needs to take some responsibility too.