AIBU to step back from my mum after rehab?

[pontipinemum]

My mum went to rehab in January. At the time it was very much “I’m going to do everything right.” I was sceptical.

She stayed sober for about two days after coming out. Since then she’s back to lying, hasn’t gone back to work and isn’t attending meetings.

I get texts at 4am saying she’s struggling and lonely and hopes she can see me and the children soon. She’s already been invited here for a day (we’re two hours away) and she’s invited for Easter. At the family meeting in rehab I was clear I’d be taking things slowly.

She says she feels very guilty. I’ve told her that’s something she needs to work through with a counsellor or at meetings, I can’t process that for her. She said before going in to rehab that she thought I'd be doing everything for her when she got out. I told her I would not

For context, I’m in recovery myself, I know when alcohol is your crutch it is difficult to let go. I went to a mental health hospital for a few months in 2020, have done a lot of therapy, and have been diagnosed with severe combined ADHD, depression, anxiety and trauma-related stress disorder.

I’ve posted about her before, but briefly — she first left me with relatives when I was six weeks old, on and off throughout my childhood. At 12 I moved in with her and my stepdad; they were both drunk every night. There was emotional abuse and neglect, and lots other abuse I won’t go into. I was allowed to drink as a child and was made responsible for her emotions. I grew up far too quickly.
I’ve only recently realised how much I’ve had to rely on myself my entire life.

After her last message, I reminded her she’s welcome to visit and sent her a link to a 24/7 AA Zoom meeting. I’ve also sent photos of the DC (she hasn’t seen them in about five months).

My instinct is to go to her, tell her everything’s fine and make her feel better. But I know that comes at a cost to me.

She has 4 sisters that all live within a 10 minute drive of her. They have been visiting/ inviting her places. Some of her friends have been inviting her out. She is mostly making excuses. She wanted a video call with DC on Saturday. I did it but she was ''too tired'' aka drinking.

I am in contact with al-alon/ adult children of alcoholics.

AIBU to just let her to it? Should I do more?

YABU - Do more
YANBU - Continue as is

Yanbu
A drowning man ... and all that.

You have children. You are in recovery.
Thats your priority.

I'd tell her you love her and to get back in touch when shes been sober for 3 months....
I wouldnt let her see the kids if shes relapsed

I think you actually need a third option, which is do LESS. I'd only allow visits to your home if you can be confident she won't be drinking, which clearly isn't now and won't be by Easter.

You must know yourself that recovery from alcoholism must come from inside the person. No one else can save them. If even Rehab wasn't enough to help her then nothing you can do could work.

You were parentified at a very early age and now as an adult that urge to save her will be very powerful. Resist, pull back, concentrate on yourself and your family.

Thank you. I know logically I need to step back from her. It's just so difficult. My body is saying 'ahhhh'' go fix this.

Removing the guilt of my childhood from her places it all squarely back inside of me. I have always felt guilty for just existing.

Maudlin, self-pitying, guilt-tripping messages sent in the middle of the night are sadly par for the course for many actively drinking alcoholics. I'm sure you're well aware of the "Poor me, poor me, pour me another" trope.

Your top priority is the well-being of you and your children. Just as she has every legal and moral right to choose to drink, you have every legal and moral right to choose not to be in the audience while she does so. This is the moment to practise detaching with love.

I agree with this. You are already doing more than makes you comfortable and you have your own recovery and family to think of.

I agree with this. You are already doing more than makes you comfortable and you have your own recovery and family to think of.

I agree with this. You are already doing more than makes you comfortable and you have your own recovery and family to think of.

Sorry about the multiple posts, I don't know why it did that. But actually I do agree that much!

😂I prob needed to hear it that many times.

I completely illogically feel responsible for her and her drinking. She often told me as a child if I had not been born she would not have been ended up how she did. That she would have meet a 'proper' man, had a big house and 4 children.

I absolutely do not absolve my 'father' from the upbringing I had, he fecked off when I was 2. That had an enormous impact on my mum. But I don't think she ever realised it had any impact on me. It was that he left her...... but my father left me.

She goes on how much she was her dads favourite etc of course every family had issues/ dynamics but she had a pretty good 'normal' up brining.

She just thinks the world has it out for her. She says I am lucky that I have a good job, a great husband (although she swings on this part), 2 beautiful DC, a house and security.

ABSOLUTELY none of that was luck.

With regards my own recovery. I have no worries about me relapsing to drinking. I worry about relapsing on my MH and my ways of thinking. Which I suppose could make me go back to drink to make my head quiet. The pressure gets intense.

You've made your own luck off the back of a very bad situation, don't let her drag you down.

💕
You need to come back to who is more important and the answer is always your kids...

I agree too with the third option.

Is there a way you can explore that with a counsellor/therapist? You've done brilliantly to carve out a good life for yourself.

@pontipinemum the victim mentality your mum has is so draining mentally. You need to save your reserves for your own family.

I also agree with the others which I want explicit about but do less and step away more.
Can you access mental health care through your employer? I'd be looking for a therapist to talk some of this out with.

Can I just say OP, I think you're amazing!

You've come so far and done so well to have a stable happy life and secure happy children, despite the very adverse challenges of your childhood.

Don't ever lose sight of that. You're 100% right to put your own recovery and your children ahead of your mother (who, let's face it is an adult with full capacity to make decisions about her life).

You really do need to step back. She is responsible for her own recovery and you cannot make it better for her. She has to learn not to be dependent on you and not to blame others for her own relapses. I hope you've got some support from yourself - because this is hard! But you are not doing her any favours if you allow yourself to get drawn into being made to feel responsible for keeping her on the straight and narrow.

Good idea, if there's an employee assistance programme, you could maybe speak to them?

In case she hasn’t told you as your mum, I want to tell you as a stranger - I’m really proud of you. Bloody hell, to have created the life you have with the start you were handed is amazing. Now protect and nurture that life you’ve worked so hard to create. Don’t use precious hard earned brain power, time and effort to placate someone who has not prioritised you. Enjoy and thrive in your family life. You’ve earned it, time to let her take her own path with less hand holding and less placating from you

You can’t help her. Doing what she wants wouldn’t actually help her. Only she can decide to sort herself out.

You know this because you decided to live well.

Thanks everyone. I am in Ireland. There is a free counselling service for adults who were abused as children. I have been going to it for about 16 months now. After sever PPD really set a lot of this off in my head.

I did try to use an EAP but they wouldn't do it.

@NutButterOnToast the 'poor me' is absolutely draining. She just moans and gives out. 'Life is unfair on her' then she tells me everyone thinks she is great and that she has done so well with all her struggles?

She takes zero responsibility for her life for anything. Nothing is ever her fault. If people do well it is luck. Life is very unfair specifically on her. She was told in rehab that she abandoned her child, and that was a big thing they wanted to explore with her. Also that she brought me into an abusive household with an abusive controlling man when I was 12. I can imagine that is driving the guilt. But she is pushing for me to absolve her of it. To just say oh no it is all fine. I told her I can't help her with that, that she needs to work through all that with a counsellor. And after we can see what our relationship looks like.

@throwawayimplantchat thank you ❤I know I should feel proud of myself. But I don't really. I mainly feel like 'it's fine, you are fine, it was all ok because it was ''only'' you. I will keep going to my counsellor to work on that!! She said last year I had zero self worth. It is no longer at zero so I am doing well.

the 'poor me' is absolutely draining. She just moans and gives out. 'Life is unfair on her'

I'm sure that's what she tells herself to justify drinking when she knows she shouldn't. "My life has been so awful, it's so unfair... with everything I've been through I deserve to have a drink."

When my alcoholic ex was drinking I had a note on my phone that said "Is there anything more fun you could be doing than having this phone call?" I put it there to remind me that engaging in a phone call was an active choice I was making and that I could instead choose not to if I wanted. When she starts engaging in her pity-party you are allowed to say "I have to go, I'll speak to you soon." and just put the phone down. You don't have to be her audience.

Honestly I think you should be doing less. You set up a zoom call with the kids and she was too tired? I think she's just continuing her abuse. She has 4 sisters and friends. That's more then a lot of people. Look after yourself OP. Your children need you more x

This. She has family and friends locally. Has support. Who's holding you up.

Don't answer the phone at night. Turn it off

I agree with this.
You owe your mother nothing, she owes you more than she could ever hope to repay, even if she were prepared to admit her responsibility for the abuse that you suffered.
She is extremely lucky that you haven't cut her out of your life completely, you would be absolutely justified if you did so.

Take a massive step back, she is your Mum, but you do not owe her anything. Keep working on yourself for you and your children. Sounds like you have got it locked down with self healing, don't allow her to bring you down. Your doing great!!

Yes the reliance on you to absolve her of guilt is too much. I hope you can put some healthy boundaries in place with her.