To challenge my mother-in-law on her actions?

[Rosebyanothername19]

I'll try to be brief but not drip feed

I generally have a good relationship with my in-laws. They seem to genuinely care about me and I know I am lucky in that respect.

However... I just found out that they were giving my DD cows milk when she was intolerant to it. They knew full well she was previously intolerant (recently completed the ladder) but told her this weekend that they had always given her dairy and she's been fine. The thing is though that she wasn't! It was delayed onset intolerance and she often used to come back and be ill a day or so later but they always promised us it wasn't them, although I had suspicions.

I don't know what to do! They clearly didn't believe they were harming her, or that it had an effect, also it's a mute point to some extent now as she can have it but on the flip side I am furious that they went completely against our instructors and harmed their grandchild!

Yabu - let sleeping dogs lie for the sake of a good continued relationship

Yanbu - say something (in which case what??)

Thank you!

They were intentionally poisoning your child- why one earth wouldn't you say something?!

This pretty much sums it up. These weren't neutral actions. They actively caused harm to your child, and they repeatedly denied any involvement.

I would want to say something but not in anger. I would tell them how upset this has made me because it now undermines my trust in them and that is a huge loss.

That's awful, I'm so sorry. My in laws are very casual when it comes to allergies. Thankfully my dc don't have any, although I had to get cross with them when they called me fussy when I wouldn't let my 5 month old have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I always take allergies very seriously, even the self diagnosed ones.

What does DH have to say about it? I personally would go nuclear. Something along the lines of "we trusted you and you outright lied to us. Dd had reactions due to your idiotic/careless/downright bloody unacceptable ignoring of our request and now we wonder if you can ever be trusted again. How you could knowingly cause harm to your own gd is a major concern to us."

What is your husband's opinion and why isn't he leading on this with his parents?

Personally, if I had suspected that they were "poisoning" my child (intentionally or not), they wouldn't have been in a position to continue.

(I have a child with dairy intolerance and another at risk of anaphylaxis with EpiPens prescribed.)

Where is your other half in this and what have they said about it? I think since it's their parents they should be the ones to go through them for a short cut and not leaving it to you.

Their desire to be right about your dd not really having allergies outweighed the actual health of your dd.
They wouldn't be having her again ime.. My previous ils told me out vegetarian dc would be eating meat when they had them. So they never did. Until we got divorced anyway..

I’m kind of on the fence given it’s now a moot point. Having said that they should have taken on board what you said about your daughter’s allergy and I would be very angry that they went against that and possibly stopped them having your daughter but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I’m not sure there is a lot to be gained by raising it now.

To clarify it was an intolerance not an allergy so there was never a risk to life. It did make her ill though.

They only had her to stay maybe once every few months so its not like it was every week and I could be confident it was definitely them.

My husband is angry as well but thinks saying anything is pointless and they will probably just give themselves the credit for her overcoming her intolerance. He avoids them anyway though, so is rarely around to talk to them when they come.

I'm a very unconfronational person and find it very hard to broach things like this. I'm definitely considering not letting her go there to stay again and being much more clear about things going forward. I just don't know how to go about starting the conversation. Especially as its not like they could do it again...

He avoids them anyway though, so is rarely around to talk to them when they come.

Well that says there's more to this. Why does he avoid them and does that mean that if they come round you have to do the socialising? It sounds like the milk is only a small part of the problem.

pil did this with my nephew.

in the end they just didn’t eat there because all attempts at education failed.

I wouldn’t let her stay anymore and be clear it’s due to a lack of trust.

Sounds like your DD dod have an allergy but non-ige rather than IGE? Non-IGE isn’t really referred to as an intolerance anymore.

Havibg said that I personally wouldn’t bring it up bit I wouldn’t leave them alone together anymore and if they asked why I’d tell them to ask their DS.