hi,
Sorry long one. And reposted on aibu for traffic.
Bit of background, I have posted on here before years ago but not for a while. I have been split with ex 5 years (3 divorced), we share a DD8. We split childcare 8:6 with me doing more. He pays no maintenance as I know WW3 would happen if I asked.
I genuinely think my ex is a narcissist (I know this term is thrown about readily on here) his delusions of grandeur are through the roof, always correct, if isn't it's somehow someone else's fault. And I am sure he's read the handbook in how to gaslight. He was really controlling at the back end of our relationship.He is no contact with his parents (I facilitate DD seeing them), they're a bit weird but good people. He has a new girlfriend (who is a social worker!) and seems a lot more interest in DD since she's come along. I have a new partner (2 years) but not interested in introducing kids/each other at any point soon.
Any contact with him is kept to an absolute minimum, I'm always polite but don't discuss anything other than by text as I want in writing. If I ever have a reason to criticise or bring something up I get a whole world of abuse, calls me a bully and controlling and how awful person I am. Through therapy it doesn't bother me anymore but I get anxious about having the actual argument so I definitely let a lot more go than I should.
I don't particularly feel like he's a terrible father, he takes DD out doing things more than me, but we spend time with friends and family which he hasn't got. Her basic needs are met but for example doesn't buy conditioner so her hair always a mess.
So, DD told me at weekend she heard her dad and gf arguing, her dad was saying the gf needs to stop whining and moaning and acting childish and the gf responded basically apologising and promised she'd try harder. I told her that from just that snippet it doesn't seem normal but I didnt hear it all.
Then today, DD has gone to school and told them her dad says this stuff to her, if her legs hurt on a bike ride she's being selfish and childish (at 8!) and spoiling the day. If she won't eat the dinner she doesn't like it's tough and she's to go hungry - he purposely cooks things she doesn't like. He's also told her her opinion isn't valid as she's a child. She's told me all this of her own accord on the walk home. He used to talk me My opinion wasn't valid as it wasn't the same as his.
What do I do? My instinct is to stop contact but I know he will fight it. I don't have the money for a lengthy court process and without a court order I can't revoke his parental rights anyway so he'd just pick her up from school as normal. If I try say something to him I may as well speak to the wall and he will just sit DD down and tell her off so she doesn't want me to say anything. School are going to ring me tomorrow according to DD.