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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Vague memory of abuse by older brother

4 replies

runningerrands · 24/02/2026 13:41

I am in my 40s and for the past few years I have had a memory pop up in my head. I know it's abuse and I know it definitely happened but I think my this memory for some reason. I can't share it with anyone as it sounds weird and I feel odd about telling anyone.

I have a brother who is 22 years older than me (same parents but they had him young and me on the older end). His children are close in age to me and as kids we spent a lot of time together. My brother would take me on family holidays etc. He would also bully me and call me names etc. It was a strange relationship were he would be very fun and caring but verbally abusive - the verbal abuse was all in the form of 'jokes' so if I got upset then the blame would be on me for not having a good sense of humour. He still does this, for example straight after I had a baby his favourite joke was how my kid looks nothing like his father. Not congratulations or hope you're all doing well but he did go to the effort to call.

I would often have a sleepover with my nieces who were slightly younger than me at my brothers' house which was a few hours drive from my parents. One time when I was there I was sleeping on the floor on a sleeping bag but I wasn't yet asleep and I was reading a book under the covers. It was quite late and I knew I should be asleep and my younger nieces were fast asleep in the same room on their beds. I heard someone coming up the stairs and the door open so I quickly hid the book under my pillow and pretended to sleep. I could tell it was my brother who walked in and thought he was probably popping in to the room to check if we were all asleep. He walked over past me and sat on the end of my nieces bed behind me and started stroking my bum over the covers. I remember feeling really weird and confused - I was around 11 or 12. I decided to stay very still and continue to pretend I was asleep and after a few minutes (I think it was a few minutes as I don't recall the details) he left the room.

This memory popped up out of the blue from no where a couple of years ago and it's made me wonder if it was a one of occurrence or if I have suppressed other memories. I have limited contact with my brother but he has a way of triangulating people around him - my mother, siblings and his children. I have reduced contact with most of my family, mostly to protect my children.

I don't really know how to process this memory. It's not affecting my day to day but all the recent Epstein stuff in the news and somehow the Prince Andrew stuff has been triggering.

My brother had an affair with a teenager when he was in his late 30s and was caught by his wife by private detective she had hired. I was a kid but I remember overhearing my parents talking about it and my eldest niece knew too. I have a feeling it may not have been a one off thing and as I have a teenage daughter now I intuitively have become very distant from family as she got closer to her teenage years. I don't even understand (still) what my brother was doing that evening but I have this strong gut feeling to keep a distance.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 24/02/2026 14:09

I'm so sorry your brother did that to you. It sounds like you are doing the right thing distancing yourself and protecting your children. I think all the news coverage of the Epstein files is probably having a triggering effect on a lot of people who are living with this. Have you considered having some therapy? I have a family member who was abused by 2 of her siblings and it's obviously had a lifelong effect on her. She has only disclosed this in recent years (she waited until her mum had passed as she didn't want to cause her pain, they were very close) and I can honestly say it's like a weight lifted off her. She is like a different person as she's no longer living with secrets. Her partner and children are very supportive. Obviously, I don't know if it's beneficial for every survivor of abuse but it's something to consider. Sending hugs your way 💐

Locutus2000 · 24/02/2026 14:12

You could do with a trigger warning on your title OP.

Memories are notoriously unreliable.

runningerrands · 24/02/2026 14:19

@Endofyear thanks for your reply. I also feel that I don't want to tell anyone because it would be a lot for my mum and she's old so I spend a fair bit of time with her. Your family member's story is encouraging - I do feel like there's a weight I am carrying around. Someone on another thread suggested I get in touch with NAPAC - which I will. I can't afford therapy at the moment but will aim to do that too when I can.

OP posts:
ChirpyAmberLion · 24/02/2026 14:34

Hi @runningerrands Something very similar happened to me, except I was 6 and he was 10, and we shared a bedroom at the time.

I acknowledge @Locutus2000 suggesting memories are unreliable. I have however carried my memories since that event and many others that happened after that time (which weren't as bad as the first time), and I didn't really understand at the time why he was doing what he did. Yes, they are recollections, but they are real, I experienced them. I have no reason to think they are unreliable or made up, nor am I adding 2+2 and making it 5.

Go with your instincts OP.

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