How can I end a good friendship? AIBU?

[BeDandyOpalPoet]

I need advice, I’ve been friends with a girl at work for a year or so, we’ve been on nights out, we’ve had coffee, we keep in contact multiple times a week. However I recently started a new job and I’m busy and I know it’s bad but I’m not interested in our friendship anymore, I don’t feel like we have much in common anymore and I’ve been really nice to her over text because I don’t want to be mean, but she keeps trying to arrange trips out, to the zoo, dinner etc and I feel bad.

This girl knows secrets I’d never want my other half finding out (past relationships and things I’ve told her about my relationship) and I’m scared if I end the friendship she’ll tell him, but I really don’t want to keep friends with her.

Whats the best way to go about ending our friendship whilst she’s still messaging me trying to make plans? And AIBU in wanting to end the friendship? I feel like a terrible person, but I just can’t keep on being friends with someone I don’t enjoy spending time with.

so many friendships fizzle out when one leaves for a new job. Just politely say you’re busy and
don't instigate any meet ups. Don’t do anything “official” as that’ll likely upset her and give her a complex. On the other hand, if I knew someone thought like to is about me it would be a major ick and I’d not want to see them at all so it depends on her personality how you handle it

How old are you OP?

You don’t need to break up with a friend. Just let it fizzle

Ghost her, I suppose.

Just let it fizzle out, tell her your busy and reply less to texts.

OP, can I ask - what has caused the sudden change in opinion on this woman? This does all seem quite abrupt towards someone you quite recently had quite a connection with!

Sorry op I'm not clear on why you're "ending" what you describe as an otherwise good friendship?

Why not tell her that you're under pressure with the new job etc and are really busy and just see her when it suits. Why need to officially end it at all?

Has she given you reason to think she'd bad mouth you or spill your secrets and try to get revenge on you?

Why have you told her things you wouldn’t want your other half finding out? Sounds like you are regretting this, but it’s not her fault. Maybe don’t be so full on with new friends in future and then you won’t feel you need to end a good friendship.

This.

Sorry to be blunt but I think she's better off without you, but that doesn't mean I agree with what you intend. Why have you been so keen on being her friend but now you can't be arsed - or so it seems. Don't you want any meaningful friendships or are they only there for your convenience?

You just let it wither on the vine, if that’s what you want to do. No need to make a song and dance about it. Sounds like you’ll be doing her a favour.

That’s not a nice way to treat a decent friend, especially one you have confided in.

Smacks of you being a user tbh.

Good enough to dump your crap on but not good enough for a coffee now ypu don't need to vent.

It sounds like you used to be quite close, what else has changed apart from your job?

Having read another post where someone asked about good friends disappearing from people lives without explanation and reading the sad responses. I feel for your friend, if she hasn’t done anything but support and be friendly then this will be upsetting and a shock. Be honest and say you are going to be busy yadda yadda, don’t just ghost her. Even letting it fizzle out is awful as she will probably try and keep it going for a while. How would you like to have someone end a friendship with you ? If you would want to know, show her the same courtesy. Don’t be a coward.

I think letting friendships fizzle is hard but honestly I think 'ending' one is worse unless there has been a really clear breach of trust or similar that warrants a conversation about it so people can say their piece. Because at that point it's just about who you are as a person and that's a rough thing to put on someone else. Especially if you are saying I just don't enjoy spending time with you, when the other is putting lots of effort in.

The other side to it is, have you challenged her on any behaviour you don't like? I think too many friendships flounder now because people aren't honest enough about their boundaries and it means people disappear without giving the other a chance to take accountability and earn back trust. My best friends are the first people to tell me if I've been too harsh, or been late too many times or whatever it is that's pissed them off which is why we've been friends for so many years. Because we've given each other honesty, a chance to do better and then moved past it. If she doesn't know she's annoyed you then you can't expect her to be psychic unless she's crossing serious social norms.

There are two types of people in this life. Givers and takers.

Does this happen with a lot of your friendships? I've never felt this way about someone. I've never just lost interest in a friend for no reason.

What the actual f#ck...😂