Social Dilemma- AIBU?

[TooMuchDramarama]

I’m part of a long-standing friendship circle of several couples. Over the years there have been the usual ups and downs between different people, but nothing major.

One couple is hosting a fairly big event in a few months and have chosen not to invite some of the couples from this circle. It’s caused some upset and a bit of awkwardness.

My question is AIBU to still go with my husband? I don’t want to get involved in any tension or take sides, but I also don’t want to appear insensitive to those who’ve been left out.

Nobody can answer for you as it is dependent on many factors that only you and those involved know.

Do you like the couple hosting the event?

If it all gets factionalised and you get ostracised by the NFIs would you mind?

I'd go and keep out of the drama. Just say you're not taking sides.

Rationally speaking, there is no reason why you shouldn't go. However you might find that it upsets the ones not invited (because our feelings aren't always rational).

If i get an invite i go because of thr invite, and if other people get an in invite and i dont i would expect them to do the same

I am not a child i go or not because I want too and I wouldn't expect anyone else to be any different

I’d still go but remain neutral.

This is going to cause irreparable fallout and not something that most friendship groups would ever recover from. I think it would depend on how close I was to the hosting friends, compared to the friends who have been left out. I don’t think you’ll be able to attend without someone considering that you have taken a side.

If you’re equally as close to all, and you don’t want anyone to think you’re taking sides, it might be easier to decline, saying you’d booked a weekend away and hadn’t mentioned it previously as you were trying to rearrange, but if you don’t go, you’ll lose the cost of the trip. Of course, you then have to either hide all weekend or organise a trip away, so not ideal. But a rock solid reason for not going. The hosts will think you’d have attended if you could. The people left out will think you’d have declined in support of them if you could. Nobody ‘wins’ you.

But what will you do the following time?

These are grown ups we are speaking of? if my friends go to events without me I don't care, why on earth does it matter?

Because although physically, they are all grown ups, people have feelings and if one or two couples from a friendship group have been intentionally excluded, then feelings are going to be hurt and divisions will be drawn. There have been a million threads on MN about this exact scenario and all of them boil down to the same thing; being neutral takes a lot of thought and effort.

This.

This is going to cause irreparable fallout and not something that most friendship groups would ever recover from

Why ?
Are these people all over dramatic 12 year olds ?

Some events (say a party in a hall) are events you can invite 100 people to.
Some events (say you've won 4 tickets to a special event) you can only invite one other couple to.
Other events will be somewhere in between.

The idea that adults can't cope with smaller groups meeting up outside of such a large friendship group say a lot more about anyone getting upset about this than anything else.

@TooMuchDramarama I wouldn't give it a second thought. If you have been invited to something and both want to go and are able to go, then why on earth wouldn't you ? It isn't on you that the hosts were only able to invite some of the larger crowd, and it isn't on you that some of the larger crowd are immature enough to not understand sometimes every event doesn't involve such a big crowd as other events.

When they told us about their decision, they did say “Sorry, we know this might be awkward for you,” so they’re aware it puts us in a difficult position. I’m concerned it could change the dynamic going forward, which would feel sad after so many years. I also recognise that whatever we decide probably won’t change the overall situation. If we do go, I certainly wouldn’t want to get drawn into anything or take sides.