Co-parenting, shift work, season ticket

[Ileftintheend]

I co-parent with my ex who is a shift worker. Days, nights, and rest days on a three week pattern. This means I have the children two out of the three weekends as he is working. On his rest day weekends, I generally have the full weekend off parenting, but if there is something he wants to do socially on say the Friday, I will have them and he will take over Saturday onwards. I don't mind being flexible as I appreciate he needs time to see friends etc too.

My dilemma is this. He's a big football fan. And he seems to think if a match falls on his rest day weekends then he can drop the kids back with me for the duration of the game, and pick them up afterwards. I know it's a major passion of his but it makes me feel a bit like... a daycare service.

AIBU? When we were married he would go to the games, I didn't mind. Do things change when you are separated? Should he be expected to skip the games? He's generally a good dad, very hands on, does most school runs and has them any other time he's not working. Probably works out around 60/40 shared care.

Not sure if it's one of the big teams and as a sessin ticket holder myself, I know its not always easy to get tickets but could he ever take the kids to? Or are they not old enough or not interested?

Reckon it depends how bothered you are and how amicable you are with him.

But it would definitely be worth pointing out, if you do choose to be flexible for his football, that you expect similar flexibility when you have exciting social engagements you want to do, and you expect him to step in roughly equivalent amounts of time. If he can't do that due to his shift work, or won't, and wouldn't, for example, make it up in school holiday time, then maybe it's time for you to consider being less flexible around the football.

The expectation and lack of responsibility would bother me. I wouldn’t mind be asked but would expect that Dad has the responsibility for his children on his time.

i regularly swap with my ex if I can. And I love spending the extra time with them but if I can’t swap he’s always been the responsible one.

Don’t know how far away you are from the ground but with my season ticket holder husband he’s gone for a minimum of 5-6hrs. That’s a big chunk of time. It is his responsibility to organise care in his time and seem like you feel he is taking you for granted? Can you tot up the hours per month and get an extra reciprocal day for yourself.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that parenting doesn't stop for football and you won't be making yourself available anymore during his parenting time.

It’s a no from me

I would 'have plans booked in' for the next few matches and give him some advance notice, and then just keep being unavailable. What do you think he'd say if you said head on 'hey, just letting you know you'll need to sort out childcare during match days from now on' though?

This totally depends on if it is stopping you doing other things you had planned (even if that is an afternoon nap).

Being amicable with your ex and both of you willing to be flexible is SUCH positive parenting. The pettiness of some people is unreal and obviously detrimental for the dc. But this is down to whether you feel put upon, not what other people say.

Football obsessives are tough to parent with

Does it stop you being able to do something specifically? If so it’s fair enough to say no, but if it’s just the principle of it I’d leave it, a good coparenting relationship that benefits the kids isn’t something id
mess with if I didn’t have to.

Does it bother you? Is it stopping you from doing something/ruining your plans for the weekend?

I wouldn’t mind myself but I have nothing better to do on a Saturday and would love to spend it with my DC. It’s not like he’s going out drinking after the game until the early hours, he is returning for DC afterwards.

Thanks for the replies so far.

The kids wouldn't be interested in going to the match and my ex doesn't have anyone who could do childcare as his parents aren't involved.

I think the biggest issue for me is the instability for the children. Every day they ask me "who's house are we at tonight? And what about tomorrow?". They have no clue. There is no structure. So to be with him Friday night, dropped with me midday Saturday, back with him 6pm Saturday night and Sunday, back with me Sunday night.. I really feel for them and I'm so worried we are messing them up. I've asked him many times if there's anything he can do to change his shifts and he says no, it's set in the police.

Selfishly, I feel like my life is dictated by his shifts. If I wanted to start taking a class say on Wednesday nights, I can't. Because I will be child free this Wednesday and not the next two.

I have started dating someone lovely and we get one night a week together if we are lucky. He doesn't have his kids Saturdays during the day so there is one Saturday every three weeks that we could spend some time together and my ex has a bloody football game to go to. Again, selfish I know and definitely not as important as consistency for the children but yes, I do have things I would like to do on a rare child free Saturday afternoon.

Was the shift work and football a factor in your split?

If so I don't think it's reasonable your life should be dictated by it now you're no longer in a relationship.

If you went to court I'm pretty sure there would be no expectation that you arrange your life around his work.

Being amicable is all very well but if you're taking on more of the burden to keep the peace that's not on

If I wanted to start taking a class say on Wednesday nights, I can't. Because I will be child free this Wednesday and not the next two.

Well, you could. You (as in you and your ex) could use babysitters.

The fact is, he is not lying about his shifts being inflexible - that is how it works in the police, as you know. But the advantage is, he actually has more days off over a month.

The new romance for you does shift things though - and YWNBU to say "Sorry, I can't" if it is a day you plan to spend with your new chap. It is up to your ex then to find a babysitter for the time he is at football, in the same way that you can look for a sitter to see your new chap or take up a class as you've mentioned.

You could join a class, you could use a babysitter. It is annoying that his shifts still affect you even though you aren’t together, but ultimately your life is dictated to by the fact that you are a parent.

Have a calendar on the wall for the kids so that they can see what’s coming up and don’t have to ask you all the time. You no he can’t change his shifts so there’s no point being annoyed about it, just do what you can to help the kids adjust.

It depends whether he has them extra for you assuming he’s not working because you have something you want to go. If it goes both ways it’s fine