I don’t like the person I have become but I don’t know how to change.

[littleflamingos]

I was bullied severely at school and when I started work I was bullied at work, changed jobs but the bullying continued. I am socially awkward and introvert and have social anxiety and now I just avoid people altogether but that’s not the life I want deep down.

We moved to a new area 9 years ago for a new start and I have been a sahm ever since we have lived here, so as I don’t work I don’t have any work colleagues or acquaintances and I don’t have any friends, just my husband who I will admit I’m probably overly dependent on as he’s the only adult I know.
I don’t know any of the neighbours and I feel as though nobody knows I exist outside my little family.
I know I have brought this on myself through fear of rejection and I have dissociated myself from the person who was bullied and it feels it happened to someone else.
I used to get anxiety in my home town if I went out because I’d be paranoid of seeing old school bullies or people who ridiculed me at work which is why we moved away and it helped at first to know that nobody knew me when I walked down the road, I liked the anonymity and I just hid away from the world but now inside I feel angry and hostile because I don’t feel part of society and deep down I want to be liked and accepted but I fear rejection because of the past.
I try to snap out of it and decide who I want to be and reinvent myself but I don’t know who I want to be or who I am so I just feel lost so I stay in my comfort zone where nobody knows me or can hurt me and then I feel resentment that I’m all alone.
I think the dissociation worries me the most because I find it so easy to just become someone different when I feel anxious it’s like I can just step outside of myself and I’m not that person anymore which I think is a trauma response.

I just want to live a normal healthy life and show my children a healthy life but I have isolated myself for so long I don’t have any social skills so when I am in a position where I could be social I struggle to make small talk and end up drifting off into my inner world leaving an awkward silence then I’ll tell myself I’m just not a people person and I prefer to be left alone.
I know I can’t do this forever, life is waiting for me and I will eventually need to find a job and come out of hiding if not just for me for my husband and the children but I don’t know where to start.
I need to be able to think clearly and rationally because when I get a job, if someone judges or criticises me I go into a rage and take it personally as rejection and lash out and then just dissociate from that situation.

You don’t have to be a person who you aren’t just because some ass-holes bullied you. There is something wrong with them, not with you.

However, you don’t sound happy with the life you have at the moment and there is nothing wrong with deciding that you want to do something about it.

How old are your children?

Could you start by getting to know your neighbours?

Hiya,

Bless you for your post. I can relate as my social skills are not all they could be. However I do have several life long friends.

What I'd do in your situation is -

Firstly, commit to the idea that you are ready to change - you are that uncomfortable, you are willing to do something different.

Then, research what you should do on the net, from self help books etc. Make a plan.

I would also stick up positive affirmations like 'I am ready for change and I am changing.' That sort of thing.

Work out what you do that doesn't work and practice not doing it on a day to day basis.

Study other people that you think are good and do what they do.

And prepare a rescue plan for when you have had a go at something new and it was scary or didn't work that time. Don't go off a self loathing cliff.

In short, you can overcome this but it will take work, commitment, practice and compassion. I have got tons better at socialising and I am much more comfortable but it wasn't always that way and I had to give things a go and risk being bad at it before I grew more skilled and hence comfortable.

X

Could you try therapy/ CBT? Ask your GP to refer you.

Honestly? I think you need some counselling to start with. And you need to find some things for you.

This sounds tricky but you sound incredibly self aware which is the best and only place you can start this journey. You're gonna need to get good therapy and get support. It will be very worth it

I'm sorry you've had some rocky experiences. I agree that therapy sounds like a good idea. Also:
-Join an exercise/zumba/pilates class--you'll see the same faces over and over and be able to practice a little small talk before and after class. As a bonus, the exercise might help burn off some of the anxiety.
-Volunteer somewhere--your child's school or a food bank. Again, same faces and you might build feelings of self-worth. Also it's easier to 'be' with other people when you are working on something together.
-Start a book club or see if your library has one you could join. You might not find soulmates but it's about practice and building confidence.

What does go into a rage look like, what happens? What do you mean you then disassociate, does it mean you pretend it didn’t happen? Do you do this at home ?

I’d start by finding a good therapist to deal with the aftermath of the bullying, the withdrawal, and the rage.

There's two ways to look at this.

Is it possible that your early experience of being bullied led you to feel that others were bullying you? But perhaps they weren't, but were just making some unkind comments rather than targeting you?

Its easy to become a victim and become paranoid that people are bullying.

You don't need to change. Just be you. You seem a nice person and your DH clearly sees that in you so just get out there and look for more people like you. You'll always meet people on the way who aren't your sort of people. Just don't let them get under your skin.

I was bullied at school but it took me until I was 19 to cut those people off and focus on nice people who don't judge. But I spent a long time being paranoid that people didn't like me and were being mean

I have been a bit like this. I think it stemmed from being raised by a very critical dm. I felt I had a target on my head saying bully me. Therapy can help. Looking into why you’re rejection sensitive. Finding ways to react differently when you feel it coming. But I think I just got better when I found a job with good people. My confidence increased. I’d recommend finding just one activity and trying to keep going. The library book club where I am is really nice actually. Watch what others do. My colleague is very sociable. I try to copy her and ask people how they are, instead of waiting for them to ask me. Show interest in what they say. Think beforehand what you might say if someone asks you. My friend I met at the bus stop knows everyone. She does have a dog which I think helps. But she greets with a huge gentle smile and open body language. I have been practicing this and it’s amazing what a difference it makes. Just take a small step forward every day.

Excellent advice OP!
I have spent many years feeling a similar way due to a traumatic childhood, bulling and abusive romantic relationships.
therapy has really helped me to move forward in my life, and I can hand on heart say I feel optimism and excitement in ways that I haven’t before. It’s a long road & some days still feel hard but I am happy to be me.
sending care x

Firstly, i am so sorry you've had the most awful experiences with bullies. I don't think people realise how lifelong and debilitating the impact bullying can have on someone.

The most important thing to remember is that you want to make a change somehow, and a big reason for that is to model good relationships to your kids. That doesn't mean that you need to have the most incredible set of friends on instant access. It just means you need to find a way to be more socially relaxed and also break your fear enough to put yourself in to a position where you might meet people.

Counselling or therapy sound like a great start on one part. The second part is finding a simple way to be in a position to meet people but not feeling pressure to 'meet'people.

I have a similar background and personality to you and volunteering is what has worked for me. The first place i went to I was terrified and didn't meet lifelong friends but I did find some simple comraderie and eased myself in to some reasonable small talk.

The second place was my kind of people. It became a place I looked forward to going to and a group of people who were non-judgemental and easygoing and who i (over time) got to feel genuine friendship from. Nothing dramatic but definiltely healing.

Be kind to yourself, find a place that you can just carefully expose yourself to new poeple in a reassuringly regular way and don't put any pressure on yourself to do more than that. Then see what happens. I beleive in you.