to think that friendship should be reciprocal?

[lirt]

I’ve had a few outings with friends recently, where they haven’t asked a single question or offered anything to the conversation, so basically the only reason we’ve said anything to each other and not sat in silence for three hours is because I’ve asked how they are. They seem to have absolutely no interest in me, or asking how I am. At all. I’m also the only one who always sends a text or message to arrange lunch, going out etc. I’m starting to think I need to grow my social circle but at 53, that’s not going to be easy, is it? An example is a friend of 18 years: never shows an interest and never initiates a meet up. I bumped into her in town briefly and she said she’d been so busy, but would be in touch. That was back in November. We’ll only see each other again if I send a message and spend the evening listening to her and not a single question my way, or suggestion that they care how I am. AIBU to think they’re not all that bothered about me and to look for different friends?

My friends and I just tell each other stuff. When you first meet you ask questions but in a friendship you’ve already established you’re interested in each other so the interview style conversation isn’t needed. You just tell each other stuff you want to share rather than 20 questions. There might be the occasional question - my parents both have cancer so my friends sometimes ask how they are but not every time as they assume I’ll tell them any key updates. This is how my closest, long-standing friendships work.

yeah, that’s how it’s like with some of my friends. I’m talking about a few other friends who share nothing, ask nothing, show zero interest, never ever initiate contact. I’ve always believed the quote “when they show you who they are, believe them”. Perhaps they’re just not into me, lol? 🤣

They aren’t your friends OP. Friendship is a 2 way thing and I wouldn’t bother with people if I was the only person getting in touch.

yeah, I just don’t get it. Unless they just agree to meet up out of politeness but don’t really want to see me? But do it because it’s easier than saying no?

It doesn't sound like they care. I'm nosey, I want to know what my friends have been up to etc. I need two way conversation. I've thought lately I need to increase my social circle. I considered joining the WI, other than sports and book clubs not sure where else you make friends in your fifties. Good luck.

You can definitely make new friends at any age - now retired and a widow, I started going to classes at the local Leisure Centre and have built up a circle of lovely people to have coffee/lunch with. I still have a group of friends I have known for many years, but there is always room for more 😃. Keeps life interesting!

aww, I hope so. I’m not one to blow my own trumpet, but I think I make a good friend. I’m kind, respect boundaries, care about people and love to have fun. I just feel a bit sad that I’ve put so much energy for years into one way friendships

I think it would be fair to say that those specific people are not your friends. They are acquaintances that you meet for lunch/coffee every few months. In my mind friends are part of each other’s life and the fact that they are not interested in yours is a big sign. Focus on your actual friends and perhaps expand your circle.

I think lots of women in their fifties are keen to broaden their social circles. The friends you had when your children were little drift off once your kids are at high school just because you don’t see them anymore in the course of daily life.

Once your kids leave home/go off to uni you suddenly have more time to see friends and plan in advance.

I’ve been putting on effort to reconnect with friends and everyone I’ve reached out to has been really keen to organise things.

I do agree about things being one sided, I have let a friendship drift when they are never the one reaching out or organising anything. I need at least minimal effort!!!

They’re just not your friends. I don’t know why you would have initiated this more than once.

But why do you want to see them, if you’re the one initiating contact and they’re as dull and self-absorbed as you depict them?

These are not friends - they are people who have no interest in anything but themselves.
I had a friend like this - was always saying how good it was to see me and what a good listener I was … because she saw me as someone she could talk at about her life and problems and was so self absorbed that she never asked about my life - it didn’t interest her unless it affected her .
Got rid ! Absolutely no loss .
Friendship is a two way street of effort , caring and mutual interest .

well, I don’t anymore. I decided to stop initiating back in November and so far, nothing. I’m going to focus on other friends and widen my social circle if I can.

I agree. You can't make other people change you can only change what you do yourself. YABU to think you can do anything about this.

yes, I agree. I don’t know why I’ve let it go on so long. I think it’s rare that friendships align totally,
with equal energy both ways. I guess it’s testament to my patience (or stupidity) that I’ve carried on flogging a dead horse for so long.

Sorry clicked wrong option on the poll. YANBU and I often feel the same about lack of effort made by friends.

Yes, but it sounds as if you want on arranging to see them for years!

yes. What an idiot I was!

Maybe they have so much going on they don’t know where to start or don’t know how to be sociable. Maybe they’re tired, maybe they’re busy. My friends could have given up on me a long time ago (work, kids, depression)- I know myself I don’t give enough of myself and amn’t good at asking questions, but they’re there for me, we dip in and out of each others lives and see each other every year or so

maybe, but it’s been going on for a very long time, so I was very patient for years.

I worked for years with someone and then we both retired we kept in touch going out for lunch every couple of months. Over the past year she has been too busy every time I suggested anything and has been the same with another ex-colleague. Neither of us bother now. It's not a problem, people move on.

I’ve had a couple of friends like that. I’ve taken a step back and stopped being the only one putting any effort in. Surprise surprise, have heard nothing from them.