Given the state of the world and everything it seems petty to feel down but…

[Donotfitin]

I don’t have a lot of friends and I do actively look for them.

Long story short a local group organised outings… the first time it was nice, but I’ve done again, and I don’t think they’re necessarily my thing. Maybe I can use it as a “socialising for the sake of socialising” but I don’t think I would be friends with them.

On the other hand I went out with a group of expats/immigrants . This has happened to me before, as I lived in a “bubble” in my home country and generally didn’t socialised with the general population and didn’t listen to regional music or even watched the local TV. My friends were part of the same bubble, so I never felt “odd”. However, whenever I’ve gone to these type of parties, everybody thinks I’m a snob because I don’t like that music, I don’t dance to it, and quite frankly have never heard them before in my entire life, I simply was not exposed to it.

Which leaves me in the same situation of finding it difficult to make friends (which I know is pretty common in adult life, but as my husband says, I like the people who I like.

Anyway, rant over. And the AIBU is that I find it hard, I still try, and it might be a me problem, but in the end it always makes me feel more inadequate and worse than before.

Making friends is really difficult once you are past the typical "life stage" opportunities of school, university and for some people "new parenthood"

You could try an app called "we3" which works a bit like dating apps but rather than pairing people (which would be quite an intense way to try to create a non-romantic friendship) it works to create trios - 3 people who have broadly similar interests and outlooks - finding a match can take a few weeks or even months and you do need to be within range of a decent sized city to have a chance of enough matches but it could help you?

Thank you! I’ve just downloaded the app. I’m not super hopeful, but we’ll see.

It's annoying because it’s me who ends up not liking people, but I guess I can’t force myself to like them either!

It’s not a frame of mind. Or at least I do t see it THAT way. I’m capable of liking people and I like who I like.thats very clear to me now, and have come realise its OK.

I would be quite interested in that but the nearest location it has for me is 60 miles away

Clearly nothing exists down here!!

But you’re not going to like most people, anyway! That’s why we have friends, because they’re the people we do like out of the great mass of ‘other people’ to whom we feel indifferent. You’ve been out twice or three times with these groups, so it’s not surprising you haven’t yet found someone you’re specifically drawn to. You need to expose yourself to more people. Even then, it may take time. Friendships aren’t instant. And sometimes your first impressions aren’t right. I disliked someone who subsequently became a close, longtime friend the first few times I met her.

I’ve found most friends are like a “hunch” that we’ll like each other (call it chemistry if you like).

I mean I know have 4 people I could call friends, they’re all very different so I wouldn’t necessarily make them all go out as a regular thing, but maybe I could do it for my birthday

Pretty fine! I had tons of friends and different groups too.

I had a group of friends in London. And I have a separate group of friends in London (who I really get along with) . It’s just locally that I haven’t found a “tribe”.

Yes, but my point is that (a) it’s not always instant and (b) your first response to someone may be ‘wrong’. Like I said, I at first didn’t like someone who later became a close friend. I found her brash and confrontational. She’s wonderful.

Yes, but that hasn’t been my experience. In my 42 years on this earth, I’ve noticed that the people that I like, I liked them from the get go.

I’ve had the opposite (I liked and eventually disliked).

Ive definitely never had a “Mr Darcy” situation.