ds attacked his friend at school

[PixelPuma]

I was advised to make this thread shorter so I'm reposting as I need as much advice as I can get. I’m feeling really alone in this

My son is 13 and the youngest in his year (Aug 30). We moved back to the uk in January of yr 7, 2 years ago. The school isn't the greatest OFSTED wise and from now what we've experienced but it was the only one with space at the time of moving

We moved from Poland. From the moment he started he was badly bullied and I spent a lot of time going up the school and calling which I think they saw me as a nuisance tbh and didn't take it seriously.

After being fed up there were 2 incidents where ds was violent in self defence but the school wanted to punish just ds.

I have little faith in the school but there were still no spaces, I was even desperate and asked if he could be put in the year below if they had spaces but they said it doesn't work like that as he needs to be with his cohort even though if he was born 2 days later he would be with those younger children anyway.

He then became friends with a boy and his friendship circle. I'll refer to the boy in question as J. For a while I thought great, he had friends and seemed to be doing better but DS is extremely quiet and J is charismatic and is much more confident than my son so therefore about to get the others “on his side” and to ignore DS whenever he spoke to them, only on 2 occasions but it still upset DS.

The first occasion was over the October halfterm, I could tell something was wrong and he told me that J has tried to kiss him a few months prior but DS had moved away, but because ds had been reluctant to go to his house he had tried to isolate my son from his own friends, gossiping about him and telling them that my son had kissed him and was being weird with him and encouraging the other boys to ignore him which they had been doing.

Another boy encouraged my son to talk to him about his problems with J which he did but then he screenshot it and sent it all to J, which caused major drama and J sent a photo of him “cutting” (ketchup) saying DS made him to it and it was all his fault for talking about him.

Then in Jan, J fell out with another boy(s) and again turned the others against them, ds told me whenever they were at school and he tried to go near the people he's “not allowed” to talk to J drags him away. I told DS he could talk to whoever he wanted as J was beginning to sound like a bully and not a good friend. ds ignored this.

On the Friday before half term I got a call from school, an hour before half term during PE my son had attacked J seemingly unprovoked, he shoved him to the floor and kicked him in the stomach more than once. The PE teacher was around but not directly supervising their group and because it was so close to half term they sent him home but have to investigate what happened this week. I know I'm biased but this is out of character for him to be violent for no reason, he's not said why he did it to me or the school, he says it doesn't matter now as they're friends but it won't look like that to the school.

They'll take statements from J and the other witnesses. I've stopped my son going out with J this week which he's hated and said it's unfair.

I'm so stressed. I've not been sleeping all week and I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm tempted to just pull him out before the investigation is over but he has no school to go to or anything. But I worry it'll be an exclusion and that'll be on his record and no other school will take him. I'm not familiar with investigations etc like this but it's making him sound like a criminal! I feel so alone in this.

Any advice will be appreciated

My DS is a good kid- year 11 now and is head boy, set to straight 8s and 9s in GCSEs, never had a detention or anything of the sort. On his birthday a couple of years ago I got a phone call from school to tell me he’d been put in isolation for the afternoon with another boy because they got into a fight at lunchtime.

I asked DS what happened and it turned out the other boy had punched DS out of nowhere when he was just quietly sitting eating lunch. His lunch had flown out of his hands so he couldn’t finish it. He was rightly pissed off and hit the boy back. The other boy was known to be trouble- in isolation/excluded constantly, bottom sets etc. Picked on DS because he was quiet and well behaved I guess.

I was furious with school for doing this, not in the least on his birthday. Had a meeting with them about it and all was resolved, they acknowledged DS had acted in self defence.

It sounds like something similar is happening with your DS, only longer term. J is clearly a bad influence, your DS is hanging out with him to try and fit in but J is not a good friend. Does the school have any intervention sessions for kids who struggle with the social aspect of school at all? This is a thing at my DC’s school and can be helpful.

Also do think your DS could be moved to the lower year legally, I always thought the cut off was late August rather than 1 September?

When DS hit back in self defence he was also blamed and they were reluctant to do anything about the other boys so now I'm worried this will also go against him especially as this time seems unprovoked and he won't say why/what happened

I'm unsure if he can be moved down, I asked at other schools when I was desperate and they said they had no space so I asked if he could be moved down and was told no, even though he's the youngest in his year

He cant be moved down a year. They only usually allow that in exceptional circumstances for severely disabled children and even then, they can be moved up a year once they start the next school. They probably have no space in the year below either.

I would've thought he could be as he's only 2 days older than the cut off but the schools said no. I wanted to move schools after he was being bullied but couldn't get a place. The bullying seemed to sort itself out hut now this and I'm worried no school will take him if this goes on his record

I think you need to have a conversation with your son. What he did is seriously assault someone and it's just not good enough for him to say the reason doesn't matter now. The school want to know exactly what happened and why. Unless your son engages with the school investigation, he is likely to be in real trouble. Whatever has happened before, an unprovoked violent attack is unacceptable.

I would speak to your son and tell him he will need to answer honestly when the school ask him why he did it. I would also write to the school, detailing that your son has previously been bullied and that the outcome to your complaint to the school was unsatisfactory. Hopefully the school will take this into account when deciding on a course of action.

Moving schools wouldn't mean your son doesn't have this on his record - a new school is going to want to know your reason for moving him and will likely contact the school he's leaving for information on his attendance, behaviour etc.

I do worry about him not telling them what happened because to him it doesn't matter now they're friends but the school won't see it that way and if J is going to say the same then it may look like ds intimidated him or something. He's also unlikely to admit he did do something to cause that reaction from my son (if he did)

I have sent emails to the school in the past / had phone calls etc but I get nowhere, the school didn't do anything about the bullying itself it just seemed to naturally resolve itself when ds made friends with J and the friendship circle

Yes, that's what in worried about that it'll be on his record and he'll be labeled as violent in a potentially new school when he's not even had a chance there to prove himself and that's if they have spaces anyway

Well he can't. That is the rules in the UK. Unless you apply to delay a school start before they begin school at 4, they have to stay in their year group. Otherwise some kids would be getting an extra year of free education. I know it seems arbitrary but elthat is the cut off and your son cannot move to a different year group. Unless you go to a private school.

I didn’t think boys did shit like this, these boys sound like girls !

I appreciate how difficult this is so its understandable but I think you are maybe focusing on the wrong thing. Moving him down a year does nothing other than causing him embarrassment. You need to get to the bottom of the problem and, if necessary, push for a new school.

It's up to the headteacher what year group a child is educated in. It's quite unlikely they'd agree to a change but it is something OP can request

It doesn't matter what happened before. Your ds kicked a child who was on the ground multiple times in the stomach.
Acting under provocation is not the same thing as self defence!

I’m sympathetic but your child was very violent towards another child. In a few years’ time, if he does this on the street, he will be arrested and charged with assault no matter what the other person did to provoke him. I think this needs to be a way of talking to him about walking away and reporting bullying behaviours without reporting to violence. Good luck.

@nutbrownhare15 but why would a head teacher agree to that under these circumstances? It may be their discretion but I don't think that it would ever be granted under these circumstances. Surely it is better for the op to be realistic about it rather than harbour hope for something which virtually impossible?

Unfortunately there are a lot of schools that have a policy preventing 'backclassiing' (where parent requests child be admitted to the year below) and it's 'normally' only allowed if there are reasons IE child has missed a significant amount of education, has previously been backclassed etc.
Have you made sure you are on the waiting lists for other schools as they renew these lists each academic year.