To expect my 17 year old to keep phone conversations to sociable hours?

[User3billion]

I've asked him to be off his phone by 10:30pm, 11pm at the latest. His room is directly below mine & he does not know how to speak quietly.

Ideally, he needs to be asleep as he has college in the morning, but I accept that when he sleeps is beyond my control.

I think it's disrespectful to continue loud telephone conversations when the rest of the house are trying to sleep.

I've just asked him again at twenty past midnight and got a whole load of shitty attitude from him.

He says he wants to move out, but that when he brings it up I "cry about it". This could not be further from the truth. I'm praying for good a-level grades so he does move out to uni or a degree apprenticeship.

Does he pay for the phone himself? If not, put him on Pay As You Go and kill the Wi-Fi at bedtime.

Have a conversation about it in the daytime.

These are the rules in your house, as long as he lives here he needs to follow them.

Reassure him that when he is ready and able to move out you will support that (although obviously you will miss him and hope he’ll still visit and call).

If he’s not following the rules can you stop his allowance? WiFi? Stop doing things for him?

It’s not unusual at all to be looking forward to an older child moving out, especially if that
child is disrespectful or causing issues for the
household, I don’t see any indication here that the OP doesn’t like or love her son.

Oh behave

He can learn to keep his voice down. Or move out.

Are you serious?? You’d be absolutely fine with him chatting on the phone at gone midnight?

I have similar with my 17yo.

He has showers late at night and the bathroom fan wakes us up, plus he even puts his music on.

He’s often on the phone until midnight and I can hear him.

I’ve found the best approach is to remind him earlier on in the evening and remind him why (because the rest of the household want to go to sleep). He does listen but still needs to be reminded.

As for the comment about moving out. I look forward to him moving out too. Of course I love him and would miss him but it’s also perfectly normal to look forward to them flying the nest.

No I’m with you. No loud conversations here after around 11. It’s just being considerate of others trying to sleep. Text messaging and Snapchat messaging exist.

I think you would be best to request no loud phone conversations (maybe point out that you can hear every word he says). That then makes it a discussion about respect and consideration for people you live with rather than imposing "rules".

Sympathies.
My DS was on his phone in the early hours this morning.

We will most definitely be having the conversation about it later on today (again).

Obviously I love him, would die for him, but can’t wait for him to move out as well!!

You need to tell him that it's about respect and consideration for other people and that he needs to be quiet after 11pm. It is your house, your rules and he knows what to do if he doesn't like that.

If he says that he wants to move out then call his bluff and tell him to let you know when he has found somewhere.

He is just a teen, however he needs to learn from you that this sort of entitled behaviour won't get him very far in life. He probably also listens to stuff out loud when he is in public places.

Great husband material!

Keeping phone conversations to appropriate volumes is the better lesson for him to learn, surely.

I’m amazed at a teen who speaks voluntarily on the phone for long periods.

I’d have a conversation re rules in your house during daytime when things are calm and make it a chat about what he suggests and the impact he’s having on your sleep.

Thanks for the replies, I didn't see the deleted message before it went, but I can hazard a guess.

I love him beyond measure, he's my first born. However, it's frustrating as hell at times and I'm beyond TIRED as I also have 2 younger kids.

I'll endeavour to have another conversation about house rules and respect early this evening.

I might be in a deep sleep by midnight tonight as I have to get up at 6:30 each morning with my youngest.

I have an adult dc that sometimes wakes me up. I remind him that my room is just below his/his door makes a loud clunk as it shuts/running on the stairs is noisy.
I find making him aware that ‘it woke me up/I can still hear you’ works better than telling him off/asking him not to etc.

I take for granted that no one wants to interrupt other people’s sleep, and just give them the information to avoid doing so. You could ask if he needs headphones with a built in mic, as he’s very loud on the phone, or ask him to suggest how to avoid waking you up.

The other thing that works is giving them a chore. ‘Oh, I heard you were up really late. Can you do the locking up (dishwasher, robot vac) please, as you’re the last to bed’.

They are annoying! However, I love hearing mine giggle and shouting with laughter when they are having a good time. It’s nice to be reminded of the little boy he once was!

Go in his room at 7am amd talk loudly - he might get it then!

Very odd responses. This is not just about the phone is it?
Attitude overhaul required ??

Yanbu and when he moves out he needs to have that level of respect for people he shares a house/corridor with

This!! 🤣 sleep is precious and mine know not to poke the bear or there will be hell to pay! I missed the gentle parent lessons.

Around the time she hit puberty, we started talking to dd about being a good roommate. The rules of the house would be relaxing because she was getting older, but that meant she had to think about how her actions impacted other people.

we used her tendency to shower extremely late and wake us up as an example. We didn’t ban her from showering in the middle of the night. Sometimes things happen and you need a late shower. We just asked her to think about when we go to sleep and try to be done.

that approach worked with her. She isn’t perfect, but she tries. She also mentions when our habits interfere with her. That was part of our original and ongoing talk. It’s a mutual consideration by all household members.

17 is a bit late for that approach, but if you don’t simply want to take the phone from him at bedtime, it might be worth a try.