Need to end marriage but physical health and his behaviours prevents this

[Sarah1290]

I need to leave my husband who I consider is abusive ( emotionally ) but very much jellke and Hyde .

long periods of being nice but covertly nasty unexpectantly and often without reason when others aren't around . This is often during key life events ( wedding day , many holidays and trips away, children's births , When our child was seriously ill) but he can switch very quickly from insulting quietly to being the life and sole of the party whilst still giving me the silent treatment . There's a whole lot more but too much to explain

i have several problems though that keep me stuck . I have a chronic illness , I had 8 operations in 4 years and I am due to have a major op in 2 weeks where I will be bed bound for 4-6 weeks .

I won't be able to take the kids to school so he will say he needs to stay for the kids . He owns his mums house which is about 1.5 hours drive away . I will also struggle to feed myself etc

I do have family which would help out but he would not allow that to happen so this keeps me stuck for the foreseeable and I also wouldn't want be a burden for others who have their own lives

long term though I do have options if I recover well . I can be financially stable without him . We have spilt up previously and I have tried to put boundaries in place. But as his house is 1,5 hours away he often uses guilt trips to be in this house to be around the kids

This has included consistently coming in and out of the house to see the kids , put the kids to bed etc . Constantly texting our 10 year old son to pass messages on , find out what we're doing . Sleeping in his car where relatives can see ( I live on the same street as many family members ) sleeping in a tent on a camp site up the road

my mother is very anxious and often falls for the guilt trips especially when he contacts her and i am the bad person for trying to set any boundaries

I just want out and I'm done with it but struggling to navigate the future . He is a good dad and I wouldn't stop him seeing the kids but when we split his need to see the kids increases 100 % the kids miss him and I feel guilty which gradually means he comes back in and the same patterns happen again

any Advice on how to manage these situations will be appreciated on any advice on who to speak to . He's back to being nice ( ish ) now but I'm still very much hurt and have come to the conclusion nothing will change

we have a very weird set up housing wise . I bought this house before I met him he has contributed to the rent , childcare etc but refuses to contribute any more to birthdays Christmas , days out any extra like home improvements , clothes etc he has not been on or contributed to a family holiday for a years which suits me because he's ruined many

he bought his mums house after we married and initially I was unaware but when we last split he put a will in place on that house which didn't include me - it's all messed up but I don't think he would ever try and take the house or ask for any . He does consider this house to be his but I don't consider his home to have anything to do with me

To add it wouldn't let me post on the forum without the question / toll - im
jit sure what that's about

He sounds fucking awful. I don’t know about the ins and outs of how the houses would be divided in the course of a divorce, I guess that’s what solicitors are for 🤷🏼‍♀️. If you are lucky enough to live on a street with multiple family members then it sounds like you potentially have a lot of support around. Do you really need him following your op? He’s doesn’t sound like someone you would want to have to reply on.

He sounds appalling, and he is NOT a good dad and he does not love the kids. How do I know? Because of how he treats you: their mother. Start planning for when you're feeling better and get him tf out of your house then.
And when you do that, stay strong for the sake of your future life. It will never get any better than this if you stay with him.
It doesn't matter what other people think about you, or say about you.

Sounds awful. Are the local family members helpful? Otherwise would you consider a fresh start, even if just in another part of the same town

You have time while you're recovering from your operation to think about a plan to split permanently. You need to get some legal advice. Your home and also the other property he owns are both marital assets, it doesn't matter whose name they are in if you're married. You could possibly negotiate with him that you keep your house if you don't make any claim on the other property he owns? If he's agreeable to that, he needs to understand that he will no longer have any claim on the property and won't be able to come and see the children there whenever he wants. He will have to have set days to see them and take them to his own place.

It doesn't sound as if your mother is much help, are there other family members who can support you? I would be worried about being vulnerable and bed bound with him looking after you for several weeks 😕

I'm not too worried about the housing situation divorce wise . He likes to be the good guy so I don't think he will attempt to go after this house especially as he knows I and others know I have spent so much money on it

it only matters when he's trying to get in and there's lots of guilt about " this being his home "

my family and friends are supportive but these ops have been going on for a while and they seem never ending . They often don't go well and I've ended up with infections and further ops to manage infection Others have got family , life's they can't drop to look after me in recovery stage and take the children to school / look after them and he would never allow it either . Therefore despite my wishes and their good intent to help it would breakdown quickly if there was an alternative plan in place

when I'm not well he's good , makes me dinner drinks etc looks after the kids but it's thrown back at a later date within his nasty comments .

i will be bed bound due to pain but also movement could mean that the operation fails and this goes on for longer therefore I need to make sure I strictly stick to the instructions of being bed bound for the best outcome

I am definitely considering a fresh start when I can . I've been thinking a lot about moving and think that may help to detach him from being able to come and go when he chooses

I live next to my elderly man which is the one of the people I would want to stay out for

I’m so sorry to hear what you have had to put up with. He’s definitely being emotionally abusive. I would recommend you keep a journal of all the little comments, etc. if you can get any audio recorded even better. When it’s just one or two comments people can dismiss it as you’re being over sensitive, but when it becomes a regular pattern of behaviour and you can prove that it is a whole different thing.
He is taking advantage of your health condition to keep you reliant on him long term. There are other support systems available, even if you can’t rely on your close family nearby. You can absolutely manage without him long term, and it sounds like in the best interests of your children, you need to.

good luck x

Hi OP.! So sorry this is happening and so sorry you are ill . I was also living with domestic abuse and your DP does sound a bit like my ex, in that he was often very kind but out of the blue would just start yelling. Once, the cling film had got into a bit of a mess so it was hard to tear off a piece and that caused him to start WW3 because that, according to him, proved that I was lazy and generally an awful person. He terrified me because he was so angry that I thought he was going to beat me up (he didn’t). He also terrified the DCs but even that didn’t bother him.

OP, please talk to Women’s Aid. Tbey will assign you a support worker. They are brilliant. I have a lovely kind GP and she was also amazingly helpful.

Regarding your illness…. Is there any chance that the stress of living with domestic abuse has in part caused it? I have ME/CFS and am now too ill to work.

I was done from this marriage a few years back when one of our children got seriously unwell and he dismissed my concerns and told me to get out of the room when I he was sleeping ( despite him hearing 111 staying she needed to go to hospital ) further abuse followed when she had an operation 36 hours later he turned up a couple of hours before and didn't attend the hospital prior but started with the insults as she was having her op

He denies this happened

more recently I organised a trip for a big birthday I was celebrating with family and friends and him he started covertly making sly digs which turned into insults when no one was around but became the life and sole of the party minutes later he refused to speak to me at the meal unless I talked about sex ( or the lack of it because of my condition which is a bowel condition . ) i apologised over and over to keep the peace and enjoy the rest of the trip . That night he woke me up
repeatdely throughout the night to the point I was on edge and in tears

then the next day he changed again was being nice but I remained on edge for the next few days . He spent the next night at a meal talking yo a couple we didn't know , well mainly talking to the women in the couple

I didn't mention it until we were going home but told him upon leaving his behaviour hasn't even unnoticed he then disappeared and showed up right at the last minute but walked straight over to my friends

what's gets me the most about recent events is the comments about sex and being made to a apologise over and over at a meal with 13 people there it makes me cringe

sorry for writing this I need to tell someone , I have a close friend who I told and I tried to confide in my sister but she blocks the conversation with " you know my views " and doesn't talk further . I can't tell family as the ins and outs are very personal

He denied all of it , stated he was sorry and disgusted in himself twice and had now gone back to denying it ever happened